The Devil Drinks My Toilet Water

toilet-snake1you know these sayings:

when it rains, it pours.
shit has shit the fan.

well i’ll add one to the list:

when shit gets backed up, it overflows.

uh uh.
the devil is so busy.
lets go down a timeline of yesterday,
shall we?…

1/30/14: 9pm-ish

i got a call from someone i interviewed with.
the lady who i had the video interview with that lead to the interview with ( x mr. crazy ).
well she wanted to personally reach out to me to let me know that job isn’t happening.
figured.
she also mentioned she forwarded my resume to her colleague who took on new clients.
only thing is he lives in another state and leaving friday evening.
she wanted to know if i could meet with him that morning?
10-ish?
i agreed.

1/31/14: 6am

hit snooze like 7 times.
got up and put out my clothes.
all grey everything?

light grey dress shirt
dark gray dress pants
light grey tie
black loafers
massive gray scarf
grey pea coat
red handkerchief for a hint of color
huge black shades

i got a call from the gentleman i was meeting,
mr. green.
he told me the location.
seems like he is hiring an admin for a huge fashion label we all know.
he was excited to meet me because he heard good things.
don’t they all?
10:30 meet time at the potential job’s cafeteria.
yay.

9am

listening to a playlist on spotify.
“psyched” was the name.
it only played upbeat “ready for any challenge” music.
at this point,
i’m wearing a wife beater,
drawz,
and socks in the bathroom.
i  flushed the toilet and it started to OVERFLOW.
like the water came up like a geyser.

How-I-Met-Your-Motherit went over the edge and everything.
i screamed out “help!” to who i don’t even know.
i started to panic.
i mean water was everywhere and going out the door.
i took the lid off the tank and tried to shut the valve.
that’s when it finally stopped,
but water is every-fuckin-where and my socks are soaked at this point.

915am

i called mr. green immediately.
panic all in my voice.

“hi. mr green. hi.
can you please call me back as soon as possible.
thank you.”

there was so much water that it looked like the aftermath of hurricane sandy.
i get the mop and started trying to clean up the mess.
wiping it up and wringing out the water in the bucket.

tumblr_lxkl38l2li1r6aoq4o1_400920am

mr. green calls back.
i tell him my situation.
he understands.
i ask if we can reschedule for 1130am?
he says thats fine.
he will only be able to meet for a half and hour,
but he wanted me to make sure i took care of that situation.

925am

my homegirl calls.
i tell her the situation.

“nope!
get some towels and throw them down on the floor!
they will act like a barricade!
you are NOT missing that job interview.
that is for a GOOOOOOOOD company.
uh uh.
get those towels down and you got about 5 minutes to get out the door.”

its like i could hear star fox’s voice within hers.
i did as she said,
but i still mopped up as much as i can.
i didn’t want any water leaking into the neighbors downstairs.

1025am

after i unplugged everything,
i put on my clothes and walked out the door.
i was a little hesitant because i didn’t want to leave and a flash flood happen.

1100am

i made it downtown.
left called me and i was going the fuck off about what happened.
random white lady walks up to me and says:

“you look so stylish!”

i tried to mask the scowl on my face from being so angry.
i know she must have thought i was a black ungrateful bastid.

12pm

interview went perfect.
i put on my game face on and impressed him.
every question he asked me,
i answered the best to my ability.
he gave me a tour of the office including my desk.

tumblr_m3bbn0TpNL1rnpyfyo2_500downside: he has more candidates to interview.
ugh.
also: won’t be hiring until the 24th of feb.
um, holy smokes!
well that’s great!
overdraft -3.15 in my bank account and a “maybe” with a job.
/endsarcasm
i’ll still keep positive about it.

1245pm

waiting for train to go back to toilet water hell.
this fine brown wolf wearing a tight bright orange work out shirt,
track pants,
and sneakers walks up on the platform.
tats on his arms.
one was a scorpion.
i’m sure he just came from the gym.
the thoughts of him fuckin’ me all the way home made me forget all my problems.

130pm

walked in the house,
pulled off my clothes,
put on my rain boots,
and finished cleaning up the mess.
after i was done,
i thought it was safe to flush the toilet.
think again jamari.
overflowed the second time,
but only time,
it was worst.
water ended up in the living room going towards my bedroom.
had to turn off everything in the circuit breaker so i didn’t get electrocuted.
everything was soaked.
landlord comes downstairs and calls plumber.
says “hang tight until someone comes to fix it”.
when tho?

5pm

woke up from the loud knock at the door.
damn near slept the whole day.
plumber came in; brought some machine that sucked the water down the stairs.
snaked the toilet.
a ton of toilet paper came up.
guess it was my fault.
will take the “L” for this one.

tumblr_lsagqr8Htr1r40ds2o1_250515pm

plumber admires how clean and put together my apartment is.
dudes who live alone are usually nasty he says.

“i’ll put it like this.
if you offered me water,
i’d would drink it.”

yeah.
i keep a clean house in all the areas of my life.

…and that was my day.
spent the rest of the night leaning up and throwing shit out.
thank god the water did not reach my bedroom.
i took a nice long bath to wash the day off.
i imagined that wolf from the train platform rubbing my back in the tub.
afterwards he gave my walls a nice massage.
in my mind.
i ended up talking to left the rest of the night.
the devil tried to bring me down today.
he really wanted me to miss that interview.
nah homie.
i wasn’t gonna let the bs hold me down.
i won.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

9 thoughts on “The Devil Drinks My Toilet Water

  1. You’re right Jamari. Satan never sleeps. He always looking for ways to mess you up. But you got the victory bro. I hope everything works out with the job.

  2. I’m glad you got to the interview too.I’m on the edge of my seat worried that you wouldn’t.I was like those stereotypical Black people that yell at the characters in movies.While I was reading I was like “NO! JAMARI DON’T RESCHEDULE, the guy is probably gonna say fuck the interview you’re shit out of luck no pun intended,”

    Then you said he let you reschedule, I was like “Oh lord, he’s probably gonna forget because he’s busy cleaning up, JAMARI DROP THE MOP AND LEAVE.”

    Luckily you made it.I really hope you get it.I was also thinking “Damn, Jamari must take some super mega ultra shits for his toilet to be overflowing.”I would hate if that happened to me.I get paranoid when my toilet clogs up.

    1. ^that’s what the plumber said zen lol

      “either someone dropped something down the toilet…
      or someone took a healthy one…”

      i was so embarrassed.
      i realllllllly want this job zen!!!
      omg i need to send him a thank you email today.
      lite on the begging… kinda.

  3. shit the day wasn’t for you and the night wasn’t for me.
    i’m sorry but i couldn’t stop laughing becuz all i could think about was you taking a big fat ass shit.
    but i glad you got a productive day, even though it was kinda gross but at least you didn’t have crackheads disturbing your peace.

    i was sleeping so peaceful until these las mierdas blancas (white shits) were banging on the floor aka my ceiling like crazy. blasting music.
    then these guys was screaming & shouting outside the window like wtf?
    and then more white men or las mierdas blancas came over to get high.
    i wanted to call the cops so badly but couldn’t becuz she got two mulattos kids and their father is already in jail or prison. Ella es muy suerte!

  4. I’m glad you made it to the job interview despite your situation. You might still be upset about it now, but you’ll probably laugh at it once the storm passes.

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