pull the triggers

most of us have triggers.
if you don’t or have worked through yours,
then congratulations.
the rest of us either keep it under control or react nastily when confronted by them.


for me…

I don’t like being called “girl” or “sis”

 growing up,
bullies tormented me every day by calling me a “girl” or sissy”.
even my own parents would imply that i was “soft“.
i’ll never forget going somewhere with my father in barbados.
i was sitting in the car as he met up with one of his friends.
my father always wanted to intro me to his friends as he should.
i was sitting there,
minding my business,
just happy to be with my father,
his friend said:

“_______,
he soft.
he look soft.
Aww he so soft.”

my father went on to say it was my mother’s fault that she made me this way.
as a child,
imagine how that felt to hear that because i was hearing it a lot at school.

I went to an all boy’s school in Barbados,
btw

i’ll never forget that moment because it hurt my feelings.
i think it made me into a chameleon too.
i felt like being myself was a problem when all i did was be shy.
i was a very shy child growing up.
i didn’t want to be seen as “feminine” so i did my best to be invisible.
i’ve come to realize:

I’ve been a trigger for other people as well

some see me as a threat or “i’m not supposed to feel this way for another male“.
we might awaken the triggers in other people and not even realize it.

i have since worked through those issues,
but i still don’t like being called girl or sis.
some gays will call you a “sis” outta love,
but use the same word maliciously when you cross them.
others get insulted because you don’t want to be addressed as such.

Even some of the vixens are calling other males “girls” and “sis” being shady

how many males are called “girls” because they may take dick?
or,
they are suspected as gay so gays spitefully address them in the feminine?
it’s really tragic and hurt people do hurt people.

the thing with triggers is we can’t get mad at other people who trigger us.
most of the time,
they don’t know us or what we been through.
we can’t lash out at anyone if we haven’t educated them.
now if they continue to do it even after we’ve told them:

try to heal the parts of you that are still broken.
we can’t take out anger on everyone else because we have been destroyed.

16 thoughts on “pull the triggers

  1. Unfortunately, feminine gay men are the only public, visible, example of ‘gay’. Because sooo many of them revere being associated with, and as close as they can get to, feminine pronouns, other ppl think it’s synonymous with being gay, and that it’s blanketly acceptable across the board. Clearly, I also, don’t play that shit. Call me crazy, but I’m almost 40, and from a time before gay men who hate having dicks were out here trying to convince ppl that asses are a natural sex organ, that has orgasms and ejaculate, like penises and vaginas. But I digress…

    1. ^im glad that entertainment and society are showing other sides to being gay.
      for a long time,
      it was a stereotype that was made to be a joke.
      it was like being a coon in the gay community because they were never respected,
      but used as something to use or disrespect.

      things are changing slowly and that’s great.

    2. Feminine gay men are the only ones man enough to admit that they are gay and fight for gay rights. And you are doing the gross generalization thing. Is Don Lemon fem? Is Anderson Cooper? Is Harvey from TMZ fem? These are prominent gay figures but because feminine men bother YOU, you decided to make it about that.

      1. It’s ok to call things things. You can’t take a few news anchors (esp legit CNN anchors) and pretend like they represent the mass media images of gay men. Cut it out. Gay men are still the fukn sidekicks there for a quick snappy 1 liner, or the pocketbook accessory to some female. Look at lil nas x – trying to be a rapper, but, because he comes out, he needs to be doing makeup photo shoots. Billy Porter doesn’t own a pair of jeans. I’m sure you get the point.

        No one would want to watch a show w masculine gay men because – they’re ‘a waste of a good man’ to women, straight men don’t wana see ‘that gay shit’, and fem gay men would be accusing them of not living in their truth because they aren’t trying to constantly force gender bending, because of course gay = feminine.

        Me hating the monolithic depiction of gay men, just like black ppl as a whole spent years hating the monolithic depictions of black ppl in media, does not equate to hating feminine men. My representation has nothing to do w how many pairs of heels you want to own.

        1. ^ “No one would want to watch a show w masculine gay men because – they’re ‘a waste of a good man’ to women, straight men don’t wana see ‘that gay shit’, and fem gay men would be accusing them of not living in their truth because they aren’t trying to constantly force gender bending, because of course gay = feminine.”

          110%

          1. Everyone just took it completely off topic. I see BOTH points of view. I understand you Jason Bourne and I also understand you Seli. I agree in both senses. Wherever you fall in the masculine-feminine spectrum, just be authentically you. If you are not authentically yourself, and are not in pursuit of daily making the world a better place than how it was when you entered it, then it doesn’t matter if you are a sashay away from Dolly Parton or a deadlift from Arnold. Rise to a higher consciousness and do better.

      1. Ijs man. It’s ok for everyone to champion diversity, except black gay men! The minute you say you’re not into fem guys, you’re a self-hating closet case. But because black gay men are sooo hell bent on emulating heteronormativity, I’m supposed to want a guy who wants to be ‘the woman’ in our relationship? I’m good. We can be friends tho.

  2. Damn this hits home. i had an uncle who would sock me & every other boy in my family in the chest to toughen us up. That was how he greeted you. When we became teenagers it turned into a handshake but he would crush the fuck out of your hand because according to him it was a way to show other men that you’re a man. I hated interacting with him so much.

    When I was a kid. The other boys in my family started looking at me different because I liked watching Sailor Moon. That and playing with Chun-Li would get me some groans. “You like watching that stupid girl show.” “Why you always picking the girl character.” “Your dad isn’t going to like that.” Is all I would hear.

    I was also picked on at school. Not for being fem but for being quiet & average at everything. I didn’t play or enjoy sports at all. I was also very shy. The constant criticism about what I liked caused me to retreat. I felt better being alone with my favorite TV shows, cartoons, & movies. In fact I’d say I got a little TOO attached to fictional characters. It was my only escape tho. I had an aunt who read the fuck out of me one time for enjoying Sailor Moon that I actually stopped watching anything with a female as the main character for a good five years. I felt so low and she did it in front everybody. I was done. I dropped Buffy, Charmed, all that shit. Then forced myself to like Basketball & Football.

    To be completely honest i still don’t really like myself but I have come to terms with who i am.

    1. ^this is soooooooo deep and very relatable for me.

      “…for being quiet & average at everything. I didn’t play or enjoy sports at all. I was also very shy. The constant criticism about what I liked caused me to retreat.”

      i felt this.
      i was forced to play a sport so i choose track.
      it lasted for a while,
      but i never kept up with it.
      when i tried to play basketball,
      it was a disaster.
      i stopped entirely after i got embarrassed one day.
      tv shows,
      cartoons,
      movies,
      comic book characters,
      and toys were where i felt solitude.

  3. A DL guy tried me. He’s been shading me for about a year and so I cut him off. I said something shady and he replied calling me Sis. I asked where that came from and he said he calls everyone that. (lie) I told him not to call me that again. He apparently got therapy or something but he wanted to be emotionally open and said he missed me and I asked how since I said I wasn’t interested in sleeping with him. Anyway, he asked me what his issues were and to tell him about himself because he pushes away everyone in his life and was lonely, but once again called me Sis. So I told him to figure it out and to not disrespect out gay men while trying to be shady using Sis. And that’s the end of that!

    Masculine men are punks who are afraid of being vulnerable, bash men who are comfortable but complain about optics. Stand up and say something. Oh that’s right, you’re too worried about the Nipsey Hussles who are homophobic and will say you’re setting the Black community back. Have a seat on a spiky dildo.

  4. Where I grew up; the community called me “soft” too (I’ve manned up a lot since then guess like you say because of the the triggers) The funny thing most the the boys that played sports and were getting pussy were also approaching me to suck them off and running up in me. Guess I let that all happen cause of how everyone treated me.. I never said anything to anyone in my neighborhood how many of their sons I was having behind door relations with. Even to this day I am in my mid 30s, the ones that didn’t do anything with me back then and was calling all kind of names are sending me subtle message on Social Media.

    1. ^it’s crazy but i was thinking about this entry and respondes last night.

      most of the times,
      the boys were probably attracted to you and didn’t know how to handle it.
      they lashed out but still wanted to indulge.
      when i went to that all boys school,
      i’m sure i triggered a lot of males since there wasn’t any girls around.
      since i was “softer”,
      i’m sure i stood out like a sore thumb.

  5. Well this used to bother me but learned the love and self respect I have for myself over shadow there opinion of me what dont kill you does make you stronger period

  6. Boo Hoo to the masculine gay man… Instead taking out their anger on the fem or in-between gay man “STAND-UP & SPEAK UP FOR YOURSELF”!!! Always wanna blame us for the fact that we are comfortable (some of us) & show who we are unapologetically. Let’s get real the real reason masculine gay men bitch at the fem/in-between man is because society lumps them in with us and they believe they won’t be seen as “True Men” whatever that means… They want to be viewed and respected a certain way and honestly we are problematic to that in their eyes. Granted some of the fem/in-between man puts on airs to be seen & go along with certain stereo typical boxes but sometimes it’s a survival technique. I the issues with the societal views of them but stop taking it out on us cause we not doing it do you! We just trying to live and be respected ourselves. It’s funny to me that so many masculine men are on the low cause they don’t want to be part the community cause of outside stereotypes. Honestly though it like being black, you may reject the community but when you in the world you still one of us. Just saying.

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