last night,
i had a huge panic attack.
the last time i had one of those was at my last job back in 2019,
where i was looking like a malnourished twink.
the only time i get panic attacks is when i’m severely stressed out.
in this last week of october in 2025…

i am severely stressed out again.

“What did it feel like?”

i was asked that today.
it felt like…

imagine being in a car,
the seat belt wouldn’t unbuckle,
and the brakes stopped working while you barrel towards a cliff.

it felt like my bawdy was bracing for the worst.
i couldn’t breathe and i felt nauseous but i was trying to fight it.
i couldn’t control my mind enough to get focused on calming techs.
it was like i immediately went into freeze mode.
all i could think about was impending doom approaching.

i ended up having to take a benadryl just to calm me down.

i had to cancel dog sitting at my friend’s luxury spot this week.
i was really looking forward to that mini vacation,
but she thought it best i stay at my own spot because of the housing drama.
tbh,
i think that is the best idea.

i feel like i’m holding on by a thread.

shout out to those who are still holding on.
while some people’s lives are going well,
there are many others who are struggling to even get out of bed.
hell,
there are many impacted with this government shutdown.
hoping for feeling safe again and hella blessings incoming.
day 5.

lowkey: im gonna try to take a break from coffee this week.
that will speed run my anxiety and i can’t.