“to much is given,
much is tested…”
well i think thats in the bible.
either way i had a thought tonight while i lay on the couch.
the thought was has anyone gotten to where they needed to be,
into the relationship of their dreams,
or even just lived an overall better life,
by just being tested to all extremes?
i had to wonder…
Do we really achieve greatness after great tests?
my boss and i went at it again.
walked out her office.
in my face.
full tilt bitch.
screaming at me.
in front of everyone.
it got to the point i saw myself getting my shit and walking out.
it was like she was taunting me to do so.
i was actually embarrassed.
all eyes were on me and everyone was waiting for my next move.
“can you please stop yelling at me?”
YOU STOP TALKING…
YOU STOP TALKING RIGHT NOW!”
…and all because of an issue that was so tiny.
one that i can take the blame for.
nothing that required the reaction that she gave me.
for the rest of the day,
it felt uneasy.
everyone was expecting me to quit.
liar liar came up to me asking if i was okay afterwards.
super side eye.
i held my head high and acted like it didn’t happen.
sidebar: you ever felt like you had to edit yourself?
the way you WANTED to react,
you know it wouldn’t be good for you in the end?
thats how i felt today.
i felt like i wanted to throw the fuckin’ computer across the room.
but i digress.
i already drafted up an email to my alliances right after that scene.
oh you can beeleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee dat.
that thor hammer was coming down on a bitch head like:
before i was suppose to leave,
i was called into her office at 4:30-ish.
“we need to talk about earlier today…”
she apologized for being “a bitch” as she said.
as she spoke,
i looked directly in her eyes.
i didn’t break eye contact with her.
i made sure to speak about my true feelings about the job,
didn’t bite my tongue,
and personally had no fucks to give anymore.
i did take responsibility for my side,
but i also spoke to her in the part she also played.
how liar liar does what she does best.
how everyone always has this and that to say,
but i continue to be the hardest worker there.
“well this just how this job is.
you either need to deal with it or leave.”
…in so many words.
when i left her office to go home,
i started to feel sad.
sad she didn’t fire me.
sad that it has come to “this”.
screaming matches and “kinda sorta” apologies.
this job started out great in the other department.
once i was moved,
it has been one test after another.
i am over it.
i’ve said it a million times,
but today really emphasized it ending for me.
i felt a break in the atmosphere that i passed something as well.
at the end of all great tests,
when you do pass,
i always feel like you just “know”.
when its time to end a relationship,
or anything thing else that isn’t good for you.
you just “know”.
it feels like you hit rock bottom.
once on the ground,
you can see the light above you to the next path.
you feel enlightened.
i felt like today was the end to the beginning.
if the job ended for me on monday,
i know that i:
did my best
had a genuine spirit
i also came out of it with a ton of lessons for the future.
i learned a lot of different personalities and how to handle them.
i think i passed whatever it is i was suppose to learn.
i just don’t know why i’m not feelin’ happy tho.