…this week,
after a lot of soul searching,
i asked myself a question:

What are things about me that makes me a bad partner?

i was honest with myself about my red flags…

Oftentimes I lead with lust and confuse it with something deep.

i like a nice bawdy and facial like the rest of the gay population,
but i assumed these beautiful things also reflected their personalities.
it has made me put males on higher pedestals than they should be.
it also made me look past their dead eyes,
broken hearts,
and bitchy personalities.
many of these males i just wanted to fuck.
it was my fault for trying to create more from a place of fantasy than reality.
it caused me to stick around longer because my bawdy was yearning.
my heart was confused and i ended up in confusion.
there are wolves i want to fuck that i don’t want OR NEED to date.

I’ve romanticized emotionally unavailable wolves because they mirror back wounds I haven’t healed.

this is why i’m drawn to confused wolves,
whether DL or out.
it wasn’t the role but the coldness that i had a taste for.
it was a mirror to my own trauma that i recognized it within them.
they reflected back something used to abuse me so instead of trying to fix myself,
i wanted to turn these wolves into fixer uppers.

My survival technique was ghosting before they can hurt me.

when i felt comfortable to be myself to other people,
platonic or otherwise,
i was told i was too much or not enough.
so when i start feeling like that,
i assume the worse and start to emotionally exit.
my silence becomes my armor but i’m learning it just extends hurt feelings.

I like being in control because it makes me feel safe.

being in control helps me feel present.
when jackals have made me feel out of control,
because they felt out of control in their attraction to me,
i emotionally started chasing for validation.
being in control also protects me from feeling hurt if he turns out to be an asshole.
i’ve learned i’ve NEVER been in control in past situations.

When wolves don’t respond perfectly, it confirms my fears.

i’ve either been in my head or lived from assumptions.
it’s been feelings rather than facts.
they were created from past situations i didn’t heal from.
not only that,
many times it isn’t about me to take personal.

I can be a tad bit self absorbed to a fault.

when something went wrong in the (any) connection,
i go into a “me, me, me” mode.
“did i do something wrong?”
“did i not try hard enough?”
“did i too much?”
“did i make this all up?”
“did i actually think this dude would love me?”
i end up doing a lot of self evaluating,
which leads to me beating myself up.
this is where the “out of control” usually came from.
if i was asking these kinds of questions to myself,
it was a sign the dude(s) weren’t the one.

I am an expert shape shifter.

i was taught early on that being myself wasn’t good enough.
fear was instilled in me that if i wasn’t straight enough,
masculine enough,
or “like the others”,
that i would be an outcast.
being gay and feminine was weaponized against me so i fought hard to be the opposite.
i learned to shape shift into what i thought would get me accepted.
it made me fake tbh.
what i learned very quickly is that the wolves that i didn’t try hard to impress:

They were legit attracted to me when I wasn’t looking.

they saw me and were drawn to that person.
the real me who they heard about or liked from a distance.
being whispered about made me more infamous than an outcast.
i did more harm than good for my love and sex life being a shape shifter.
i actively worked against myself.

outside of those things,
i’m pretty amazing.
am i perfect?
absolutely fuckin not but acknowledge and accepting my own shit…

That’s what makes me perfect for my future partner.