i’ve realized that i’ve spent my entire life performing for family,
“friends”,
jobs,
and of course,
wolves i really liked.
the forest was my stage and everyone was my audience but in reality:

the more i performed; the less i found myself being accepted and respected.

many people didn’t stick around as much effort as i put in.
once they left,
i still found myself performing for their approval.
i wanted people that don’t even matter to still see me in some way.
it caused me to be consumed by the dark arts of the performance,
all the while making me doubt myself in where i stand in my life if i wasn’t “the star”.
as i have been healing many parts of me that are broken…

i learned I don’t know who i am outside of the performance.

…and now that i have to sit alone with myself,
confronting all of those dark places especially in these interesting times,
i am having a really hard time.
not because i haven’t had to start over from rock bottom a million times before.
not even because i don’t like going to the depths within myself that i don’t understand…

…but because i never liked myself underneath the various masks i wore.

who i am without proving my worth to others that made their exits a long time ago?
who am i without trying to be what i thought would get me accepted?
who i am without the stress of giving my all to people who don’t love me back?

who am i without looking like a clown?

lowkey: as you know,
i never have fear calling myself out for my shit.
this next chapter of my life is clearing out the darkness that consumed me.