performing

i have performance anxiety

i’ve realized that i’ve spent my entire life performing for family,
“friends”,
jobs,
and of course,
wolves i really liked.
the forest was my stage and everyone was my audience but in reality:

the more i performed; the less i found myself being accepted and respected.

many people didn’t stick around as much effort as i put in.
once they left,
i still found myself performing for their approval.
i wanted people that don’t even matter to still see me in some way.
it caused me to be consumed by the dark arts of the performance,
all the while making me doubt myself in where i stand in my life if i wasn’t “the star”.
as i have been healing many parts of me that are broken…

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if ya’ll think you’ll be seeing britney on a stage again, i got news for ya

*sometimes,
people do more harm than good to the mentally ill.

my favorite britney performance would have to be “slave 4 u” in 01.
01 was a sad year for me but i found comfort in her.
my late mama liked her too.
she killed the stage at the vmas during her prime.
she had tigers,
snakes,
and what looked like the cast of “cats”.