Is This Happiness?

persons-0075waking up,
my phone has over 50 texts.
a larger amount of missed phone calls.
its from various designers,
clients,
celebs,
and baller wolves.
everyone wants something from me.
i’m happy to give it to them.
my days are spent:

traveling
styling
writing
 smiling

i am behind the scenes of almost every event.
i’ve casted models for every music video.
the books ive written are best sellers.
i secretly work along side big names.
i’m the best kept secret in hollywood.
they call on me personally for assistance with their issues.
i’m a therapist,
a fixer,
and a life line all rolled into one.
i have no complaints.
i wanted this.
i wanted to be “independent”.
no more dealing with a dictator and army that followed.
its just me and my own rules.
that is happiness to me…

my life currently is the opposite of that.
i spent most of my day in bed today.
sleeping.
i got up to get some church,
but i wasn’t as enthusiastic as i usually am.
its sunday.
that means i have 24 short hours until i go back to that place.
the plantation.
the sweat shop.
where pieces of my soul dies.
i try to look at the good things.
nothing.
well besides the pay check that keeps the roof over my head.
everything else is a complete wash.
i get up in the morning dreading the day ahead.
is that really happiness?

people say:

“well at least you have a job.”

i think that line is a crock of shit.
this is coming from people with jobs they love.
for a creative as myself,
i feel like i am in a torture chamber.
they don’t allow me to utilize my skills.
what is the point of going to a place for 8 hours,
slaving over paper work and dodging bitches,
when you aren’t feeling fulfilled?
a place where it feels like you are back in high school?
the meanies vs me.
what is the point of feeling sick to your stomach,
throwing up on occasion,
your hair falling out,
breaking out like crazy,
suffering from bouts of depression,
and being treated like dog shit just to say:

“hey!
at least i have a job!”

like…
is that happiness?
i can say without a doubt i am depressed.
i can’t believe i am actually excited with the thought of getting fired.
like who thinks of shit like that every hour of the day?
i was in pure hell when i was unemployed,
and now i’m in another side of pure hell being employed.
fire meet pan.
pan meet jamari fox.
jamari fox meet roast.
so i ask again,
as i have asked myself a million times since:

is this happiness?

nope.
i think i deserve a lot better.

goodwp.com_20257*picture credited to owner

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

15 thoughts on “Is This Happiness?

  1. I don’t think when people say they think you should necessarily be happy, but rather understanding that you’re in a position that so many people want to be in. Millions of people are struggling to provide the basics for their families. People would weather the high school culture to ease those struggles.

    Always strive for more, but appreciate the positive things in front of you.

    But I’m trying yo get out of my job too….

    1. ^i guess i’ll keep the “pay check” in front of me.
      thats the only positive thing about that place.
      thanks for the words opm.
      i hope you find what you are looking for as well.

  2. You are going to have to learn to deal with those people. You cannot allow them to affect you like this. You are giving them just what they want. They are not only impacting you at work, but you have let them affect you at home as well. That is not good. I know you want better, but until an opportunity comes you have to deal with the hand you have. Stressing about it will only make it worse.

    S/N: Are you planning on going to any All-Star events next month? I know you said you definitely wanted to get out when it was held in New York.

    1. ^yup!!!

      now the tickets to the actual games are disrespect.
      1,000 for nose bleeds?
      nah homie.
      im trying to get into some of the parties tho.
      get some heavy networking in.

      1. Yea, definitely network if you do go. Who knows? You might get lucky and meet a man. Make sure you go to something, no excuses. Even if you face happens to break out again, you are going lol.

  3. Jamari, I understand what you are going through. Especially when you know the talent(s) you possess and how much those talents can affect so many people in a way that brings satisfaction to not only them but you as well. The kind of life where the purpose and the actions behind it are so amazing that you have to stop and fall to your knees and Thank God for finally making all of those dreams and aspirations come true. The kind of life where everyday you cry or shed a tear out of joy (not sorrow) because you finally have it all right in front of you. Patience, a word that is often seen as a roadblock to getting what we want in life because for some of us it’s not a prerequisite we are comfortable with, is still vital to the big picture. How many times can one continue to be knocked to the ground or walked over before they have finally had enough and start to take matters into their own hands? Is there going to be a light at the end of the tunnel, and if so, when will it appear or is it just a mirage that continues to haunt ones wants and desires? Some of us are able to hold out for something better by holding on to what we have already. But is it worth the constant struggle of day to day life? Is it worth the verbal chastisements, critiques, backbiting and what not? And if so, will the evolution of these things result in a better life?

  4. I think on your next off days you should traveled somewhere. A change of scenery might help clear your senses. It did when you went to Florida before you got the job. Or maybe see a part of the city you’ve never been to. Something besides this blog to get your mind off or maybe take up a yoga class or get a pet. Don’t let those people take away your off days joy.

  5. When I used to be bully at school. During Spring on the weekends I would get all dressed up because at the school you only wear uniform which was dreadful, but on the weekends I get all dress up and making sure I smell & look clean. Ironically I love going to Spring St. and pretend it would my catwalk and it would make me feel good. You need to find that thing that makes you forget about your troubles, even if its for a little while.

    1. ^lin i already do that.
      i go down there and just walk around aimlessly.
      i like the idea of visualizing tho.
      that i need to start doing.
      i actually want to get into the law of attraction a lot more.
      ive attracted some great things,
      but i will admit the job has knocked my positive visualizing out the window.

      i’m going to re-fresh my mental hard drive and start again for monday.

      1. And if it helps maybe do some mediation in Central Park to be with the plants and trees to connect with nature. But if you have a little bit of dough maybe go to upstate cause you know they have a lot of woods up there and it would be nice for you to get away from the concrete jungle.

  6. You have to stop speaking about the problems and start speaking about what you already have, yku just do not see it, the rainbow is hard to see when we are in the storm, but trust the universe is giving you what you are asking for, you might not know, but the more you sleak, and feel about thag job znd people on that job, you are bring more of the same energy and ego are the reason, trust we get more of what we do not want because of the energy we put into things that happen to us, I too have brought bad energy into my life because of my beliefs about a job and managers and people who done me wrong, when I let go of that energy and put my mind on god and his word, my ljfe changed.l asked god to cover me and he did. I asked god to restore me he did. I asked god to only bring people to me who are equal to me ,and I trust that when it is in his (not in my time ) will my love come, not just a lover but mu soul mate, that is what my belief is ,deep in my soul that part that only God dwells, start seeing and speaking to the mountains and they will be cast into the ocean, God’s word will never return void, J I ask for you tonite that Gods showes you the true lufe that is awaiting you, so you speak to your mountains, I love you and when many gather in his name shall he (God) will be there also. Love you like a brother that I do not have only wish I had beeen told what I am sharing now with you and the fans. To god will tbe glory go ,in his name is how you will be blessed.

  7. You deserve better and you will recieve better. I know you’re getting tired of hearing the be patient speech, but it’s the truth. Sometimes you have to go through the fire. I know it seems like you’ve been walking through it for a while now, but whenever that walk is finished what happens will exceed your expectations. Continue to have faith and work hard. Nobody has nothing on you dude!

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