f0xmail: My Wolf Is Now In A Fraternity… and He Dropped Me!! WTF?!

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FOXMAIL

Jamari, I’m a big fan of your blog. I don’t really comment, but I enjoy the posts. I’ve always read your ‘Ask Jamari’ posts and find myself thinking ‘How do these foxes get into these situations’? I finally came to term that I have my own issues.

Long story short, I’m a discreet fox and I’m struggling to accept that my relationship with my boyfriend/best friend of 6 years is over. This shit is eating me up inside.

We were involved with each other since Senior year of high school, and we’ve been best friends since middle school. I’m 23, so he’s been apart of my life for a long time. We started growing apart during my Sophomore year of college – we both planned on joining fraternities but we never expressed interest in the same organization. He wanted to share in that experience of pledging with him, but I was a legacy of a different organization. I chose to uphold that and pledge my organization of choice on 2009.

Pledging my organization was one of the best personal decisions I aside for myself, and it is an honor to join the ranks of the men in my family. I didn’t realize it would be the beginning of the end for us though. After my probate on campus and spending time with the chapter, he got really distant. We’ve never been a ‘out’ couple (few people know about us) so it was hard to acknowledge his feelings. He always seemed jealous of my experience with my brothers and it affected our relationship. It was worse for him watching me be greek because the organization he wanted to join was suspended until this past August.

He pledged his organization this past Fall Semester. I supported him the entire time, which is something he never did for me. I wanted him to be happy and those processes are difficult. My graduation was in December so I wanted to see him finish. He crossed two weeks before graduation and I was happy. He got something that he wanted so badly and I was proud of him for not quitting.

Jamari. He broke up with me the morning of graduation…two weeks later. He told me that he needed to be seen with women and enjoy the perks of being ‘Greek’. Something he didn’t want me to do after I finished pledging. After all the support that I showed him, he told me that I wasn’t good enough for him. This wasn’t the same guy that I was best friends with, this wasn’t the same guy that I called my boyfriend.

This was almost four months ago and I don’t know how to regroup. I’m working post-graduation so I don’t see him often…but I support events that my chapter throws so I run into him a LOT. I can’t avoid him, but I can’t address my feelings because he won’t allow me to. I really don’t know what to say or do. I can’t talk to my fraternity brothers about it because they don’t know about me or the history of our relationship. I really just needed to vent and advice moving forward. I apologize for this ridiculously long post and I hope you can give me your thoughts.

MY ANSWER….

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thank you for the compliment frat-fox!!!
also big congrats on successfully pledging!!
listen, we all makes mistakes from time to time.
life shows us we are not immune to a fuck up… or six.
lol

when we get into the right relationships,
ones that have someone else who also has goals,
we want to involve them in the things we do.
whether it is a fun night out,
joining forces on a project,
or finding a way to make bookoo money,
you make better moves when you are working as a duo.
look at will and duane.
bird man and weezy.
hell, batman and robin.
it’s only natural.
i mean,
why would you only want to be the one hogging all the spotlight?
or being the only successful one?
we try to involve “him” in any way we know how.
that’s how relationships work.
successful ones at that.
so it can go one of two ways:

1. it works out.
2. someone gets jealous of the other’s success and things take a turn for the worse.

sounds like your wolf did the latter.
not only that,
you supported him when it was his turn (as a good fox should).
he made it… and then did the biggest asshole move on you.
6 years and he does some bullshit like that?!?!
oh hell naw.
see that kind of shit makes someone want to bust out windows,
slash tires,
and set things on fire.

you think you are helping,
but he ends up hurting you.
(i wonder how many celebs who get down have experienced this?)

i know you are hurt,
and it sucks having to see him all the time,
but think of it as a lesson learned.
he sounded like an emotional user and someone suffering from some fucked up self esteem.
think of it as god also sparing you some crazy shit happening in the future too.
what if you both decided to own a business and people gravitated towards you more?
decided to adopt a baby and he/she likes you better?
people with those kind of issues are never truly happy for you.
they wait until they can gain whatever from you and then:

tumblr_mkbwx3LQRu1rvnyr5o1_500listen your blessings will come back to you for being genuine.
believe that.
him?
well he has some “get back” that i’m sure he may not be able to handle.
remember what you do to people comes back to you ten fold.
be glad you won’t be there when it does.
don’t let him come back in when he has his tail between his legs either.
tell him find one of the same vixens he wanted to be seen with.
touche.

comments?

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

31 thoughts on “f0xmail: My Wolf Is Now In A Fraternity… and He Dropped Me!! WTF?!

  1. Some people take this frat/Greek shit way too far. Greek perks, huh? Smh.

    It hurts now, but it won’t later. Count your blessings, even the ones in disguise.

    People always give clues and warnings signs about their conduct and behaviors.
    If they have done it to others, they will do it to you.

    First lesson of adulthood: You are not exempt ( from whatever you think will not happen to you).

    Find someone you can talk to about anything, your age, and at least 15 years older for perspective.

    At 23 the fogginess in your brain starts to lift and as a result you’ll be questioning many things in your life up to this point. Just take it stride and hope you’ve learned your lesson(s), if not, trust they will be repeated.

  2. Take it as a blessing dude it may hurt now but eventually you’ll be fine and who knows you may find somebody better for you. As far as Greeks go….. Once you graduate and work a few years the only thing you go to is homecoming

  3. being greek myself i partly understand this situation. As you (the fox w the q) know some people pledge for different reasons, one being to be a somebody when they have been nobodies before. You kan’t really blame the guy, I mean, hell neos (still in my NEO phase tho..lol) always wan’t to enjoy the perks of being greek, AGP all that.. why not, let him be…how about you bring some girls around and find a kommon ground with him..?

    1. Oh dead on about people who were nobodies before. I hate when “nobodies” in high school try to be a “somebody” in college. Tryin to start over and make up for lost time. It just irks me so bad. Thank god I was blessed with good looks and personality so I didn’t have to join shit. I can just be myself and people like me for that.

  4. I am so over this frat shit. First of all, the only people nowadays who join frats are people who need attention, period. If I hit someone’s nerve that is just too bad, it is what it is. I have witnessed it so I know what I am talking about. The football team and the frat brothers are the worst organizations to be in. Football players cling to each other so much off the field that it is crazy, and the frats have to keep up appearances for what reason I do not know. Like nigga you ain’t no celeb, go have a seat somewhere with that shit, and the women they be around are bougie. They be wearing evening gowns and red bottoms to a picnics while it’s 90 degrees outside lol. Everyone else dressed down and y’all are dressed up like Bey and Jay on the red carpet. LMAO…Get out of here lol.

    Well anyway, like iceed said, let this be a lesson learned. Just move on, it’s obvious that he cares about being in a frat more than being with you. Who wants a man who cares about what others think and has to keep up appearances? None of it is necessary because he didn’t have to join the frat in the first place, but he wanted that life and he got it, and you need to go live yours the best way you see fit.

      1. i .. have no response to this bullshit. Your experience with ONE member of an organization does not DEFINE the WHOLE organization. There are also many other extra people who are not greek as there is more than one greek organization.
        2. Frats & Sports often go hand in hand. Why can’t the individual want to be greek to serve his community and help out others. Greek organzations do much more than “be bougie” . Community service, uplift and servitude is just one part, socials is a part of enjoying your experience at college. If a girl wants to be fancy, why can’t she? In a LOT of cases, Greeks and Athlethes are the BEST looking in the bunch…

      2. Who said I only had an experience with one member? I know of people and still are meeting new ones. A member of an organization should not be acting bougie period. They are not celebs or have enough money to be acting like that. Like I said, people join that shit to live a certain way, and want to get things they usually do would not get if they were not in one. Yes, I know all of them are not that way but a lot are. Where I go to school, frat brothers do not get praised at all. Most people do not like them for the same reasons I do.

  5. Ok. I must admit I have aspirations of joining a fraternity. Not to “fit in” or anything of that nature, but I just admire what they stand for and the history behind it all. Besides some of my family members are in an organization, so they are kinda expecting me to join one eventually (especially since I’ve opened my mouth to them and said I’m interested).

    But anyway, yeah everyone is right. It may hurt now, but it’ll get better. Trouble doesn’t last always. Think of it like this dude, he’s just making room for the next great guy to walk into your life. He’ll miss you when you’re gone. They always do…

  6. Jamari,
    I definitely appreciate your response and advice. It’s hard for me because he’s been apart of my life for so long. That ‘Waiting To Exhale’ scene made me feel a lot better. If only life could imitate art. Also, thanks everyone. Its easier said than done, but I’ll focus on myself

    To ‘The Man’, it’s easy to judge something you don’t completely understand or haven’t experienced firsthand. I only included my Greek experience because of it’s context to my personal story, but that being said – everyone joins for different reasons. It’s easy for non-greeks to assume it’s all about being ‘seen’, or being popular because let’s be real, we’re all still human, and we bleed the same blood. I’m not going to look at you any differently because you’re not in a fraternity. Yes, me being in one represents my inclusion in something special to me, but I don’t allow it to exclude me from dealing with people who aren’t in Fraternities/Sororities. Like Davon said, don’t let one bad experience with a Frat guy ruin your perception of all of us.

    I’m definitely going to be around commenting more.

  7. @Davon: You sound like a freshmen in college. By Junior year I realized greek life was bullshit. The only Greeks that are cool are the ones you’d never know were Greek unless they told you because it doesn’t define them.

    You don’t have to join one to serve your community either so that reason is bullshit as well.

    Greeks use to be the best looking in the bunch. Not so much anymore. You’re reaching.

    You don’t even really need to join one to be popular anymore either.

    1. I totally agree with you. The ones who are humble about it are the ones I love, the same goes with humble athletes. I can help my community and not be a part of shit.

  8. Greek life isn’t for everybody, you can be popular with instagram nowadays, you don’t need a fraternity for that. If you’re not greek, then it is in best courtesy to avoid making references to issues you don’t have knowledge about. Those that understand passion and commitment understand it transcends “freshman year”. Beyond the hype there is WORK to being Greek, you see the parties and the “bougie” ness and FAIL to see the work that goes towards it. I’m working n homework, this is why i fail to indulge the gay world in greek issues.

  9. Fraternities are really not what they used to be and anybody who gets caught up in the importance of them doesn’t really know anything about them.

    I’ve dated Greek. I’ve had friends pledge and not cross. I’ve had friends pledge and become members. I know what I’m talking about.

    To the main point however, don’t sweat it. The best way to get back at someone is to be happy. The high of crossing and being Greek will fade; trust me. After a few months, the parties will get old, the women will get old, and he’ll be back to his old life—and asking you to be a part of it. He’s a Neo. Neo’s are always “about that life”. They’ve just got off line. There are parties every day. The bond between them and their LBs is tighter than it will ever be. He’s probably getting recognized on campus right now. Got himself a new coat and some new attention.

    ALL OF THIS SHIT IS TEMPORARY.

    What you do is not give a fuck shit about any of it. This is how you play the game:

    You date. No, not because you’re ready to date and not to hook up. In fact, you date in the most harmless way possible: just be seen with other attractive guys in casual settings. You do this because it shows that you have the ability to move on without him. It also shows that you’re not sitting around crying about the break up.

    Second, when you attend functions where you know he’ll be present (and even when you don’t know), you need to be TOGETHER. Get that hair cut, put on some nice shoes, and fitted clothes. You should be smiling and networking.

    Third, do not acknowledge him until he acknowledges you. A man hates being ignored. He’ll probably go out of his way to get your attention because that’s what men do. Ignore him. Not in such an obvious way that its apparent that you’re bothered, but in such a way that he’s just another person you don’t know.

    When he does speak to you, be cordial. Smile. SHAKE HIS HAND. Firm grip. Really formal. KEEP THE CONVERSATION BRIEF. From now on, you have things to do and people to see.

    After awhile, he’ll smarten up and be back to trying to get into your good graces. That’s when you can decide what you’d like to do. But make him work for it—AT ALL COSTS.

    1. ^excellent comment.
      i wouldn’t even make him work for it.
      6 years and you drop me to “keep up an appearance”?
      also you couldn’t even support me when i was pledging?

      bye bye.

  10. Who said I only had an experience with one member? I know of people and still are meeting new ones. A member of an organization should not be acting bougie period. They are not celebs or have enough money to be acting like that. Like I said, people join that shit to live a certain way, and want to get things they usually do would not get if they were not in one. Yes, I know all of them are not that way but a lot are. Where I go to school, frat brothers do not get praised at all. Most people do not like them for the same reasons I do.

  11. Feel for you bro, but at least you can bounce back because you are young, everyone has given you good advice but Random hit it out of the ballpark with the comment to be cordial and brief, when you are nice but distant it throws people off and actually makes them want to see what you are about now,once he is part of the real working world and see how things and people are, he is going to be longing for a real true lover and friend, so just sit back and wait. I have a friend who had a similar experience without the part of being lovers, him and his best friend since Jr. High went to a HBCU and one pledge Kappa, the other Sigma, and their friendship fell apart,but believe it or not, that is usual a natural progression in College, where we meet new people and experience new things,and besides being in two different frats is gonna cause problems in of itself especially on a College level, as most dudes who are still in school take their organization serious and have little interest in being nothing but cordial to other Greek organization, at least this has been my experience with Black Frats and Sororities.

    From personal experience, all I see with most Greeks after college is just being associated with a particular organization, or being defined as Im a Kappa, Que, Alpha, Sigma etc, you have many Brothers and Sisters of these organizations doing great things in the community, but you have many who love to tell you what they are and they have given nothing back, not even to the very organizations that they are a part of, by being current on dues and attending meetings and events. Man just find you a friend to kick it with in the Frat that you are in, trust me when I tell you all Black male Greek organizations national conventions are closer to Sizzle and D.C. Pride than you think.

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