i always wondered if i was a character on a tv show,
would the audience hate me?
would i be the villain?
or simply boring?
that was my thoughts on the way home tonight.
my mind felt weighed down with various things.
i heard my mother’s voice clear as day tell me:
“you’re so stupid”
i think it may be time to face reality.
maybe i’m the one who is wrong?
work wolf and i had a talk today.
it left me feeling…
but i feel like a bad fox…
when i got into work this morning,
there was a present sitting on my desk.
it was a long rectangle box.
i decided to open it.
i know i should have waited until christmas,
inside it was a white box with a note:
it was signed from work wolf.
it was an apple watch.
he knew i wanted that rose gold iPhone.
i called his extension to thank him.
he didn’t sound like he even wanted to talk to me.
i won’t lie,
i didn’t either,
but what would it look like me not calling him?
i told him we needed to talk after last night.
he said later.
he met me outside.
his body language towards me was different.
he wouldn’t look at me and his hands were in his pockets.
i told him how i felt.
i mentioned everything about my sexuality;
how i felt him bringing that up.
“i have no beef with your sexuality.
i don’t care if you are gay.”
thats when he brought the knives out.
these were his problems with me:
“you nag me like my mother.”
“i don’t need a friend thats going to nag me.”
“you live in the past.”
“you think too much.”
i can see where i went wrong.
i asked him if he was using me.
i paid for your dinners and other shit.
i bought you a fuckin’ apple watch.
how you gonna stand here and ask me if i’m using you?”
he took out even more knives about that night.
first he said he wasn’t mad or uncomfortable.
“did i say i was uncomfortable?”
you have an issue.
then he said:
“ok ima be real.
i felt like you was trying to make a move on me.”
i felt disgusting when he said that to me.
it made me want to vomit.
i told him i wasn’t trying to make a move,
but i could see how he would think so.
then he goes:
“your arms were on my shoulders for too long.
use your brain.”
i told him i have seen him in his underwear and other things.
i mentioned how i have touched his his body before with no issues.
“but you didn’t touch me long.
plus you asked me if you could.
for that situation,
there went all my insecurities rise up.
i felt like he thought i was trying to rape him.
that is not me.
i don’t do those things.
i am terrified of rejection.
i will say i was comfortable enough to do that.
he made it that way.
so he told me he needed some time apart from me.
“just a few days.
i just need to not be around jamari right now.”
imagine how i felt?
it was moreso that maybe i did something wrong.
like did i destroy my friendship with him?
i gave him one even better:
“how about we talk next year?”
you not coming to work?”
“yeah i am.”
he shook my hand and looked me in the eyes.
i walked away.
i started to question myself on the way home.
i’m definitely not innocent,
but he is just as wrong as me.
i can say i became obsessed with him.
he wasn’t like any other straight wolf i been around.
he did things that were suspect to me.
i know i’m not crazy or desperate.
i’m not some jackal who tries to turn out straight wolves.
i got caught up in trying to figure him out.
i will admit.
the “l” is already in my hands.
i feel bad.
i feel ugly.
i feel dirty.
maybe this is all my fault?
i had to wonder after his side of the story...
Am i the villain in all this?