i was sitting on my couch,
reading a book,
and i started to drift into some sad place.
it’s a saturday night and i’m home.
i have no money in my cc account to spend,
no friends i would really want to hang with,
and lord knows i would love to buy myself something pretty.
i suddenly caught myself in my feelings.
uh oh.
i decided to counter it.
which was weird as hell for me.
i usually go deep when i’m depressed,
over thinking and all kinds of shit,
but i’m tired of that.
i looked at things from a positive standpoint.
you would have been proud of me…
i have my own spot which,
with god’s grace,
i’m able to afford even though i have no job.
unemployment isn’t the greatest,
but my bills are paid.
i use to be a serious spend a holic,
cause i can burn up a credit card,
but i learned to put myself on an iron clad budget.
who woulda thunk jamari fox would learn to budget?
i have food in my fridge so i’m not starving to death.
i went from not knowing how to cook period,
to star fox teaching me how to prepare simple things,
and then going buck wild in the kitchen.
i have a lot of luxuries that not many people can’t say they have.
i can’t find a job now,
really looking for a career,
but i have a good resume that will lead me to something good soon.
i was one of the highest paid at my last job so that maybe something.
i maybe single now,
but i have had relations with fine wolves in my past.
i never had any stds because i am very focused on making sure my health is in tact.
i don’t give myself credit for being a good person.
sure i’m not perfect,
but i’m not like these ratchets in these streets.
i will give you the courtesy of an explanation before i cuss you out.
juss kiddin.
kinda.
i’m not an asshole for no reason.
i do like to help people even when it’s not returned by them.
ive been lucky to be in vip sections,
met a ton of celebs,
been around the wealthy,
and just been everywhere.
now my life has hit a road block that has stalled me aka “sat me the fuck down”.
it’s only temporary.
if you would have asked me 7 years ago if i would have a website
that touched a lot of lives,
i would have probably punched you in the face.
the emails,
comments,
and the fact i maintained something for four years is a big deal for me.
the crazier part is if you google me,
i come up.
that is wild.
if god decided to take my life tonight,
tomorrow,
or next week i can say i had a good run.
it wasn’t perfect and it sure had its share of speed bumps.
that’s life, right?
we all have had our crosses to bear in our journeys.
i feel god has a lot more in store for me.
i need to try and remember all this every time i feel depressed.
when i question why things aren’t going the way i want them too,
and it can be hard because sometimes it can be a bitch,
but i have to remember ive been blessed.
anyone reading should also try and remember your blessings as well.
things could be worse and in every mess is a message.
try to find it.
Nice self-reflective post. Great eye opener for me.
Man that touched me, I saw this entry last night, but didn’t read it because I was going out to meet a new dude at a party. Well this dude who seemed so cool when we talked turned out to be a asshole to me when we were in public together, he rolled up with his friends, who were shady as fuck toward me and he was more into them and not paying me none. I cant lie, I felt some kind of way because I was really feeling this dude. I was a little depressed when I came home last night, vowing never to fool with men again lol, of course I take this same vow every couple of days until I meet a new one, but that’s another story. I am so tired of the back and forth and bi-polar behavior with dudes, liking you one minute and dissing you the next and this is from dudes who seek you out, I don’t understand it, when you reciprocate and let them know that you are feeling them as well, they do a 360 and turn on you and run in the other direction. I was feeling last night that it must be me again and when I read this just now it gave me new hope and focus and put shit into perspective. We are so hard on ourselves and beat up ourselves so unnecessarily, I have tried so hard to not let these dudes opinions of me and how they treat me not have power over my life, but often times I fall short. As I have said a thousand times, thank God for this forum and outlet, it continues to bless me, and nurture my spirit. Every-time I come here and read these entries and comments, I get new strength to not give up and try it again. Thats life we gone have sunshine and rain, but we need the rain to grow.
This was a great entry! We are all blessed and we need to thank God daily for it. Things can be a lot worse.
This was beautiful. Keep pushing man. I remind myself every now and then that I’m blessed. My life experiences made me the strong minded person I am today. I think I have said this before, but people have to understand not to just have faith when things are going good, but when it’s going bad too. If you don’t have faith all the time you really don’t have faith at all. Think about it.
I LOVE THE TITLE TO THIS ENTRY!!!