getting on me for something and then turning around and doing the exact same thing?

that is one of my biggest pet peeves when to comes to anyone.
where i’m staying currently has been a complete mind fuck.
i had to wonder of i’m in a jordan peele or A24 production and didn’t realize it.
it’s one thing after the next,
to the point where i’ve started to wonder…

is this actually more mentally and emotionally taxing than what i left in new yawk?

the latest was what really made me back TF up…

when their little cousin was coming over that one time,
i got up to give space.
i was told an hour in advance so i took a shower,
packed up some stuff,
and went somewhere else.
it felt like the respectful thing to do.
instead?

i got told i was being disrespectful to their little cousin,
who wasn’t even there before i left,
and told i almost got cussed out.

…okay.

fast forward to last weekend.
i’m on my “bedside baptist” for easter,
still sad about the puppy leaving,
when i hear:

“my ex and their kid are coming over.
i don’t want the kid to feel uncomfortable with you here,
wondering who you are and why you are here.
can you leave for a little bit?
they’ll only be here for half an hour and you can come back.”

…um,
what????????

so now i’m in my pajamas without taking a shower,
packing my stuff,
and stepping out into the rain to “give space”.
a half an hour turned into two hours of silence.
when i texted and asked if i could come back,
you know what i’m told?

“oh…
they fell asleep on the couch.”

…

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yup.
they don’t respect me and that’s wild because i have/had a lot of respect for them.
that’s when something shifted inside for me.
now it’s not about the situation.

it’s about the patterns.

it’s very much:

“respect for me but not for thee.”

…and i can’t even say anything because it’ll be worse.
you know the types that will take offense if you call them on their shit.
i’ve already witnessed that.
so that was the quickest way to make me pull my energy back going forward.
i’m always gonna be polite,
clean up after myself,
and keep the peace as much as i can but as a cancer,
once i start becoming emotionally uninterested in family/friend/wolf/job:

but i won’t even lie to you…

when i font that i feel trapped?

i mean that because nothing is worse than needing peace:

and realizing you’re in a space where you have none.

i’ve been here for 4 months and i only feel peace when they’re at work.

lowkey: i wish i had the money or the help to get my own space.
this back and forth is exhausting.
from the time that dog left,
i have felt depleted.
is this God?
the devil?
it’s the pits.