430 am with thoughts on my mind

i felt tired around 10 am and was mad hyped about it.
the melatonin i took helped as well.
i wanted to have a good night’s sleep where i actually slept through the night.
here i am,
on the foxhole,
because i woke up out of my sleep at 3 am….

this has become my life for a while now.
opening my eyes and looking at the clock like it’s my 830am call time.
i can take a melatonin/benadryl mix with chamomile tea and it doesn’t mean shit.
i’m up,
twiddling my thumbs,
with a ton of shit on my mind.
i woke up with this sense of doom that there is no evidence for.
my emotions have me feeling like something is wrong,
or a shift in the air,
but nothing has pointed me in those directions during the day.

i remember the moments in my life when i get a good night’s sleep.
there is no wolf making me question myself or his intentions,
there is no demon boss making my life hell,
and life is a serious vibe.
i literally have nothing and no one on my mind.
i’m detached and going with the flow in a healthy way.
these days…

I feel like I’m spiraling with no sense of control

…and i’m scared i’m gonna land face first.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

5 thoughts on “430 am with thoughts on my mind”

  1. Adulting is hard it makes me miss the days when I was 15-16 just meeting guys online never in person, everyone seemed so lively back then and circumstances. Drug abuse, sexual abuse, etc have caused so many of my friends to be depressed and/or suicidal. A lot of their health is impacted. And i feel out of place but glad i never had to go through the worst to learn life lessons. But sometimes I do want someone who’s on my same path of growth to come into my life and we can grow together. Guess it’s Just not now. These are the thoughts i think every millennial , especially gay men think about and long for .

  2. I can def relate to these inflated feelings of anxiety since covid became such a long term life fuk! I had never experienced it prior to. People don’t realize just how prevalent anxiety is tho. You have to remember that attention to our mental and emotional health is very new for us.

    1. ^you are so on point and it’s so hard to calm it down when it’s happening.
      it’s a lot of pressure to stay sane during these times.

      i must have thrown up 15 times this morning just off the strength of not being able to turn my mind and emotions off.

      i’ve gotten a handle on that now,
      but sheesh it was a mess.

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