You Answered My Cries In The Dark Forest

tumblr_muve6cEIau1qb30dwo1_500i wrote something yesterday,
not out of a place of sadness,
but looking out from where i am right now.
it felt good to let it off my chest.
i was actually at a peaceful place when i wrote it.
tired af,
but at peace.
that is the scary part because i was in a zone of no fucks.
i didn’t cry when i really write something emotional.
i was good.
i just wanted to release.
that i did…

i can remember when i first tried to kill myself.
i was,
like,
14 or so.
i was so depressed that i cut my wrists with a knife from the kitchen.
i came out into my parent’s living room,
covered in blood,
and my mother freaked the fuck out..
my father was somewhere in the crib,
but when she heard my mother scream,
he literally appeared out of nowhere.
after a long talk,
with a lot of crying,
i was immediately put into therapy.
it was “okay”.
it was an older snow wolf.
i talked; he listened.
i cried a few times.
he put me on pills.
paxil.
it made me feel like a zombie.
a happy zombie.
i couldn’t cry.
i was just weird.
it wasn’t a good feeling and i wanted off,
but my parents urged me to stay on it.
i did.

latestafter my mother died,
the health insurance ran out so i was forced to get off of it.
cold turkey.
it felt like i was getting zapped with electric bolts every other second.
that lasted for a month or two.

there were many other suicide attempts after that.
i always felt alone,
even in a crowded room where i know everyone.
i had animals in my corner,
but i always felt like no one understood me.
add struggling with being gay to looking for love in hopeless places.
so my theory was:

What’s the point of sticking around?

all selfish,
i know.
i assumed i’d have more peace being dead.
why was i here,
anyway?
my parents were both dead.
it seems like life was extra for me,
but a breeze for others.
was i supposed to kill myself?
those were my thoughts at that time.

nowadays,
i’m a lot stronger tha i use to to be.
i still have my moments tho.
that blow up/knock down fight i had with mi last year,
she texted me:

“i hope you’re not up there trying to kill yourself.”

blairi wanted to reply:

“bitch not for you”

…but i kept that to myself.
i still yearn for love.
i cry when i’m alone.
don’t even let me watch a movie where the hero wins.
i’ll bawl.
hell i’ll bawl either way.

the foxhole has helped me find solace with strangers.
not just any strangers.
ones who are like “me” and navigate through this life.
i know i can come here and escape in this world i created.
i’m sorry if i had you worried.
that wasn’t my intention.
i wanted to express myself and be real about my current feelings.
you know i’m good for that.

lowkey: many of you were on point with your comments.
most of you hit the nail on the head.

giphy

God is still working on me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tcmFVzdHtM4

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

20 thoughts on “You Answered My Cries In The Dark Forest

  1. Don’t know you but I love you. I love what you do for the community. Its not easy being a black gay man in America. But know that you’re not alone and we got ya back. Talk more about your pain and the stress will start to release itself. Trust.

    1. ^thank you f&s.
      that means a lot.
      love you as well.
      i have to talk about my pain and stress or i’ll bottle it up and explode.
      i need to release it.

  2. 1.) Thank you for sharing that part of your life , you didn’t have to but I feel like you’ve wanted to but were afraid of judgement. NONE HERE, 🤗 trust reading that helped me

    2.) There is a inner strength in you that you can just keep it real and state how you’re feeling and your current mindset.

    3.) Love you lots and you already know you have my support

    1. ^i’m not gonna sit here and act perfect.
      i’ll leave that to the attentionistos/nistas.
      i’d rather put it all on the table so when/if i do make it,
      there is more of a celebration.

      love ya lots x 2 mikey!
      you are one of my fav foxholers!

  3. You made me so sad reading this Jamari. You have had a tough life, and I understand where you coming from. Jamari we got you buddy. Much love and peace to you.

  4. I appreciate your openness even if it worries me at times. Hang in there, J. I love you, God loves you, and so many others love you.

    “Pack a smile, cause this road won’t be easy.
    Doubt will come, believe me.
    Sometimes you’ll wonder if it’s alright.
    Hold on tight, it’s about to be amazing when you see what God is making…
    I can’t wait for you to tell me that it’s alright.” -my current theme song 🙂

  5. Just an fyi. Never make a permanent decision for a temporary situation. I deal with closure issues as well but I take comfort in knowing that things fall apart so better things can take form.

  6. If you kill yourself…I will miss you. Hard to believe when you are in the place you are in….but you will be missed, not just by me..but many others. Take suicide out of your vocabulary and make it a word and thought of the past. Put your big boy undies on and cut this shit out. In life as an adult, you deal with shit or you die. Deal with your shit.

  7. I love all you guys and I find solace here as well – and my story is far from any of yours – but is it? That question keeps me coming back – just as I am sure it does for all of you. We are all so different but share so many themes – thoughts – feelings – emotions. This forest has become a reminder that none of us are alone. Jamari, you built this place…you planted all these seeds…you look after its ecosystem and you give us all life…through your life.

    I would like to meet all of you one day. Look in your eyes and give you lasting hug of thanks. Like only men can do.

  8. Stay prayed up man. Suicide isn’t the answer for ANYTHING! I know it may feel like it at times, but keep in mind that’s a permanent action to a temporary situation. You can’t come back from that.

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