i was absolutely clueless to how this “life” worked.
i only knew what i saw on television.
in the streets.
attached to some of the vixens at school.
ultra fem with jackal tendencies.
i wasn’t attracted to them.
i saw how trife some of them behaved.
i knew that wasn’t me.
i’m extremely private.
i did notice that wolves would be bold to hit on me.
i think they sniffed out my purity.
something that has long been taken for me.
i’ll talk about that later.
so the first person i ever came out to was this vixen from my high school.
we were really cool and i trusted her.
so i thought…
well she told me about this book she read.
“on the down low” by jl king.
she told me about wolves…
ones that were “straight acting” that secretly messed with dudes.
they did this on the low and you had to pick up hints to get them.
my ears perked.
truth be told,
i was hit on by “straight” wolves before.
they were older.
one damn near tried to rape me in an alley.
being young and naive,
it really scared me.
thats when things changed for me.
i understood they just wanted the bunz.
my head game.
they wanted to be the first to turn me out.
“do you want to get fucked or be fucked?”
“i want to be fucked all the time.”
“then you the bottom.”
i had no desire to fuck a man.
i never got hard at that thought.
i know i was always attracted to a wolf with a big butt.
i don’t know why.
i just like that body part for whatever reason.
so i started to seek out these masculine “dl” wolves i liked.
the ones that play sports.
the ones on the train.
the ones who had girlfriends.
the ones i loved.
the ones i didn’t think would ever be interested in me.
my subconscious mind was now in my conscious.
everyone could be a “potential”.
“don’t miss the signs jamari!
they only happen once and you need to pick up on them!”
still liked pussy
i yearn for one that is masculine and discreet now.
one who is comfortable with himself.
i have always been private and he needs to be the same.
it sounds stupid,
but its what i’m attracted to.
i seem to attract a lot of:
“straight but curious”
“take yo shoes off and run!”
its crazy how when you look back on things,
you can see exactly when your life changed.
how certain events and paths brought you to this point.
before my life was about buying video games,
being wrapped up in entertainment,
and watching cartoons.
i still have that same mentality,
but now i’m more wolf hungry.
yearning for a wolf to complete me.
stupid i know.
again: god is still working on me.
thats my story and i’m stickin’ to it.
sometimes i wish it was back in my subconscious mind again.
back in a place where i was innocent and naive.
maybe things would be easier?
but i’m starting to think so.