The Year The Fox Fell From The Sky

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it started in 05-ish.
“high school”.
before then,
i was absolutely clueless to how this “life” worked.
i only knew what i saw on television.
in the streets.
attached to some of the vixens at school.
ultra fem with jackal tendencies.
i wasn’t attracted to them.
i saw how trife some of them behaved.
i knew that wasn’t me.
i’m extremely private.
i did notice that wolves would be bold to hit on me.
i think they sniffed out my purity.
innocence.
something that has long been taken for me.
i’ll talk about that later.
so the first person i ever came out to was this vixen from my high school.
we were really cool and i trusted her.
so i thought…


well she told me about this book she read.
“on the down low” by jl king.
friends-with-the-exshe told me about wolves…
ones that were “straight acting” that secretly messed with dudes.

they did this on the low and you had to pick up hints to get them.
my ears perked.
truth be told,
i was hit on by “straight” wolves before.
they were older.
aggressive.
one damn near tried to rape me in an alley.
being young and naive,
it really scared me.

after she introduced me to this new world,
thats when things changed for me.
i understood they just wanted the bunz.

my head game.
they wanted to be the first to turn me out.
 
“are you a top or a bottom?”
“uh…?”
“do you want to get fucked or be fucked?”
“i want to be fucked all the time.”
“then you the bottom.”

i had no desire to fuck a man.
i never got hard at that thought.
i know i was always attracted to a wolf with a big butt.
i don’t know why.
i just like that body part for whatever reason.
so i started to seek out these masculine “dl” wolves i liked.
the ones that play sports.
the ones on the train.
the ones who had girlfriends.
the ones i loved.
the ones i didn’t think would ever be interested in me.
my subconscious mind was now in my conscious.
everyone could be a “potential”.

“don’t miss the signs jamari!
they only happen once and you need to pick up on them!”

giphyi was thinking today thats how i got destroyed.
i been consciously chasing them and they been running.
now don’t get me wrong,
i have messed with some of these wolves.
mostly:

“dl”
nice bodies
amazing jobs
still liked pussy


i yearn for one that is masculine and discreet now.
one who is comfortable with himself.
i have always been private and he needs to be the same.
it sounds stupid,
but its what i’m attracted to.
#dontjudgeme
i seem to attract a lot of:

“straight but curious”
“take yo shoes off and run!”

its crazy how when you look back on things,
you can see exactly when your life changed.
how certain events and paths brought you to this point.
before my life was about buying video games,
being wrapped up in entertainment,
and watching cartoons.
i still have that same mentality,
but now i’m more wolf hungry.
yearning for a wolf to complete me.
stupid i know.
again: god is still working on me.
hold on…
giphythats my story and i’m stickin’ to it.
sometimes i wish it was back in my subconscious mind again.
back in a place where i was innocent and naive.
maybe things would be easier?
i dunno,
but ​i’m starting to think so.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

22 thoughts on “The Year The Fox Fell From The Sky

  1. Yeah if I could track down the male thot that was the first to give me head and stick my dick in him on that school playground, I’d mollywhop his ass until he gave my innocence back.

    Oh and don’t let me catch the dude that first turned me on to bgclive back in the day. He better lay low lol

      1. Definitely!

        My past experiences with men have all been sexual. That has a profound affect on how I view them.

        Looking back, I was addicted. I honestly don’t even remember all the people I did freaky shit with. Wasn’t about feelings, just instant gratification and then you move around.

        I made a conscious effort to fulfill every sexual fantasy I ever had.

        Probably why my views of love, feelings, and relationships would make people look at me crazy.

  2. I sooo feel this post, this has been me in a nutshell. Its hard for a lot if my female friends to understand where my attraction to these types of wolves comes from. They think I should be happy with any ol gay guy thats around. To be honest I’m not masculine acting, as I’ve said before I can be quite nerdy and definitely have my soft ways.

    I just want what I want , a fine ass wolf to put me in my place and who’s masculinity comes to him. No acting of what he thinks a man should be. I’m not asking for some super cock diesel type of guy or some super beefhead. Just someone who’s naturally who they are

  3. This reminds me of the time a fine ass wolf/football player in high school was joking with me and grabbed my butt. I freaked out. He told me ‘Come on, you know you want to get down.’ I was absolutely terrified and hadn’t formed the concept in my head that I could be gay. I didn’t even know what ‘get down’ meant. I avoided him until graduation and told no one. Lol. Years later, I ran into him on the beach during Miami Sizzle weekend. His body was on fleek and egg plant bulging everywhere.

    No. I do NOT want that innocence back. I live in Atlanta now. Naive/innocent people get preyed on here.

    My first boyfriend here was trade. A few friends tried to school me on what trade was, but my naive ass was already hooked. I won’t give too many details on him because he probably reads this site. I quit a very good paying tech job due to depression from what I allowed him to do to me. It took me 2 years to get my shit back together.

    I’m older and way more street smart these days. Losing my innocence has given me the ability to peep game from 2 blocks away.

    1. ^i absolutely love this comment.

      well losing that innocence is good for making us street smart in this life.
      we all know the stench of bs because of what we all went through in our earlier years of navigation.

      1. Jamari, I strangely feel a need to protect you/share things to guide you as if you’re a little brother. I’m 30 by the way.

        Honestly, build a great network of friends and not ‘wolves.’

        I’ve been with my partner for over 5 years. Love him to death and at the same time he can work my fucking nerves. All genders go through things. At the end of the day, he was there for me at my lowest point. And it was BAD.

        Go on a few dates with non ‘wolves.’ You’d be surprised on what you find.

  4. I don’t think it stupid to want a wolf to complete you. That shit is totally understandable. But I think those experiences you had are great teaching tool and made you aware now.

  5. I wouldn’t want the innocence back. The naive are preyed upon. But in hindsight, I will say that alot of young men are preyed upon by older guys. Then I was oblivious, but now, I think “that pineapple was feeling me up on the slick tip”. But what to do? If still innocent, our sexual desires/fetishes would’ve been undeveloped.

  6. I just want a real man, one who understands that the whole thugged out/playa bullshit is DONE like a 90’s record and has his own identity..a man who knows what he likes, has goals of where he wants to be and applies himself to make his goals come into fruition…tired of running into brothas who are mediocre in the mental sense, because as of now physical attraction isnt enough for me…i need good convo, i need someone who is consistent in behavior and lastly just someone who has a ‘LIFE’ outside of their sexual orientation..too many labels are present in the world and people are afraid to go where no man has gone before because they’re so retained by what their ‘label’ says they’re supposed to do. Whether it’s top bottom, verse, DL, aggressive, etc…At this point i’m feeling like the man i desire i wont find until i’m well established in my career. the man i long before isn’t in this part of my life, I’m NOT ready for his greatness so i still have lessons to learn, wisdom to obtain before i meet him

  7. I’d like part of it back. The part that was incredibly optimistic about love and still thought the best of everyone. The part that could go to an event and not be able to pick out every gay man (even the “discreet” gay men) within an 100 ft. radius. I absolutely hate that I can go to an event now, meet a man and probably know more about him and his motivations within the first 5 minutes of speaking than he knows about me.

    By the same token, that naivety comes with a price and I feel many of us (including myself) have already paid it. Would I want to revert back and pay it again later in life? Probably not. I have more to lose now.

  8. Interesting…

    I was BLESSED to have a couple of younger kidz bring me into the life. I was 23, and knew nothing bout this thing called same gender sexing/loving. I am grateful to them to his day, because I was exempt from all the games; ESPECIALLY not knowing what a top or bottom was.

    I have always been fearful of the intensity with which I approach intimacy, and the vulnerability of allowing someone else to see and experience that side of me. Reading ‘Just as I Am’ was so cathartic and healing, I cried until my nose bled.

    I know after 14 years of celibacy that I am the problem! I am superficial, non-committal and am really looking for myself. I have a wonderlust for the male species that borders on criminal. Knowing myself, I don’t eat at the buffet, I’m just looking at all the options while starving.

    Love yourself through it, none of us gets out of this experience without trial, error, tribulations. The joy is in the journey. Figure out your crazy, define its borders and laugh your ass off all the way through this life.

    and most importantly – do no intentional harm!

  9. I totally feel this. The media has always perpetuated gay men as loud, flamboyant queens when there are so much diversity within our community, so when I was in high school still coming to terms with myself, it perplexed me that a popular track star let me go deep.

    Man I was hooked. Couldn’t get enough. All I wanted was sex. My innocence was gone and all I ever thought about was who I could get next. It took someone to hurt the shit out of me in order for me to wake up and realize that I needed to get it together.

    Thankfully I’ve been able to have a successful relationship with the same man for the last 9 years (I’m 26 so that’s mostly unheard of), and I can say that he completes me through and through. It’ll happen for you J. When it does happen, the key to making it last is to always be open, honest, able to compromise, and be as freaky as you possibly can.

  10. I learned about this lifestyle mostly on my own believe it or not. As I think back, I wouldn’t change how I was introduced to it. I have managed to avoid all of the issues that most guys go through, which I am proud of. It is hard not getting caught up out here with everyone basically focusing on physical characteristics, which results in people who do not match up to them to become insecure.

    As far as a relationship with a dude, I just want someone who I am attracted to and can satisfy me in all aspects besides sex, and knows who he is and what he wants. I ain’t got time for the bullshit.

  11. I want to thank all my brothers for this thoughtful post and their insightful responses.
    So, maybe I’m not crazy after all – hell maybe I am crazy as F%#k…either way, I’m definitely not alone. Thank you for the company.

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