The Origins of Mi

tumblr_nmwxl5y4kX1rpocnyo1_500i haven’t done anything.
my weekend was pretty much ruined friday night.
i can’t stop not thinking about what happened either.
the whole scene loops in my head.
i been either laying in bed or talking to my people who lent a shoulder.
the first thing they all say:

“i did not see this coming.”

they know we’ve gotten into it,
but they didn’t think it would escalate like that.
everyone from star fox mother,
to karoake,
have been on board with kicking her out.
the comments on here are all full tilt “she gots to go”.
left doesn’t want to see her on the streets.
the pretty vixen thinks we need to fix it because we have similar stories.
work wolf wants us to work it out.
he said if she comes to me to talk about it,
and we have a real discussion,
then don’t kick her out.
if she doesn’t,
then let her be on her way.
another one said she needs to get therapy and anger management.
jamari fox: confused.
my adrenaline is down now so i can think.
here is the thing with mi…

mi has a lot of misplaced anger.
now i’m not defending her and clearly she was wrong.
she attacked me and did some real fucked up shit in this apartment,
but i had to wonder if she is there a bigger issue?
everyone in her life has turned their back on her.
95% of it has been her fault.
i’m also not the first person she has fought as well.
there seems to be a pattern with her with family.

mi has had a pretty tough childhood.
she has been molested,
her father is a deadbeat,
and has pretty much experienced homelessness and neglect.
her mother is a lot of the reason she is the way she is too.
i know a lot of her story and it maybe why i have a soft spot for her.
in my heart,
i guess i wanted to help her be something other than “the streets”.
i’m learning you can’t save everyone.

after friday,
the betrayal aspect still stings tho.
i let her into my home,
shared things with her,
provided her with food,
and this is the thanks i get?
she also went from “0 to bat shit crazy” and could have killed my ass.
that is the side of me that dominates any soft spot.
that side is the hurt and rage i feel.
i still don’t want to see her personally.
i’m not ready yet.

i am not the fuckin’ enemy and i didn’t deserve that.
as some of you,
and even my friends have told me,
she may need “drama” to function.
her life is “drama”.
her friends are “drama”.
i am “boring”.
hitting rock bottom could be what changes her.
she needs to see what its like to crawl as most of us did.
she is also still young,
dumb,
and has the mind of a teenager.

its still funny to me how jay’s comment the day before foreshadowed.
i also had my own thoughts of being so compassionate and “nice” this week.
i guess it was all a warning to me that life is about to come to a screeching halt.
this also taught me i need to do some changes as well.

tumblr_lzef9nqQrP1rptdn5o1_500this type of shit is what makes people cold to others.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

18 thoughts on “The Origins of Mi

  1. I feel what your saying Jamari but you can’t help her, she needs professional help. I think you did the right thing of putting her out she needs to stay OUT of your home. I would keep her at a distance and just pray for her.

    1. ^ yeah I don’t want her here.
      i prayed with the silent unity prayer hotline last night.
      I needed full assistance with this issue.
      i still feel sad,
      but it will take some time to move on.

  2. You did what you could.

    Its not your responsibility to fix her. You gave her the opportunity to get her shit together, and she continues to take things for granted. It’s not just about her being young, because a lot of people are saying that, I’m like a year or two older than she is. That kind of behaviour doesn’t represent all of us at all so its not just about being young and dumb because young doesn’t necessarily equate to being dumb. It has a lot to do with how you were raised and influences. Our generations aren’t as different as people think, its mostly perspective. People are talking so much about the “kids” of this generation, well…who raised this generation? (besides the internet lol) That’s where a lot of the problem is. Think about it. Have you seen these parents out here? They’re awful. JS!

    The point is, its not an excuse. Wrong is wrong, and there are consequences for your actions. People need to think about that before they act more. Its not a generational thing, or an older vs young thing. Its a smart vs. stupid thing.

    You gave her a chance to change and be happy, but she didn’t take it seriously. That’s her problem. Despite her history. Sorry boo, but you can’t blame your past. She’s a woman now, she’s responsible for her actions and if she wants to change, she has to challenge herself to see BEYOND her painful past.
    That is something she has to learn and do on her own. Until then, the cycle continues. She has to see that cyclical nature of her actions for herself.

  3. It’s a hard decision Jamari!! I would try to repair the relationship with your cousin, but she would need to find another place to live. I think you would never feel safe in your home again if she lived there. Home is where you need to feel safe after a long stressful day. Try to be there for her, but let her grow up and take care of herself.

  4. “this also taught me i need to do some changes as well.” I am glad you reached that conclusion. These things happen for a reason. This is a life lesson that you need to learn. Dig deep and find out why you extended yourself the way you did. You can only help those who are truly willing to help themselves.

    Life is all about choices. Those choices include the people that you allow to surround you. Were you trying to help someone so you could feel better about yourself? I have done that in the past. I put my own well being below someone else just so I could feel like I was a good person. I eventually realized I am a good person whether I put myself out for someone else or not.

    I am praying for both of you. I think you both need to start doing things differently. MI clearly has major anger issues to work out. She also clearly has not learned the meaning of financial responsibility. Jamari I think you have to learn to put yourself first everyday because you are most important. That doesn’t make you evil or insensitive. It makes you someone who truly values their own self worth. Start upgrading the people around you and you will see your life start to take off for the better ( I realized that in therapy…LOL).

    1. ^in all honesty,
      i did it because I wanted to feel better about myself and help someone else who was down.
      no one helped me when I was down and I thought I could mold and guide her.
      im realizing I do this with everyone.
      I over extend myself and end up getting hurt.
      im going to follow your advice and start putting me first.
      stop trying to save everyone.

      who is trying to save me?
      no one.

  5. You can’t save ANYBODY. At best you can provide a safe and structured place for people who want to to save themselves. You did some of that with Mi. You gave her a place. But you were too flexible on the structure. She won’t get her life together until she can draw a direct connection between the decision she makes in the next few minutes and whether she has a place to lay her head tomorrow. For people who reach adulthood without learning that, the only possible way to learn it is through consistent practice. ” If I do this, that will happen.” If I don’t pay the rent, Jamari will put me out…unless my sob story works. If I don’t abide by his rule that my people can’t come over, I won’t have a place to stay..unless I can bully him into changing his mind. If I get violent, he will put me out…unless I can guilt trip him into giving me another chance. Each time her actions fail to lead to the promised result, she gets farther from getting her shit together.

    Such people always find ways to blame their problems on other people. This is ALWAYS a mistake, especially when others are in the wrong. The healthy question for Mi to ask is ALWAYS, what could I have done to change that situation. Such a question puts both responsibility and power on her and nobody else. This is usually the hardest lesson for these fully grown children to learn. Meanwhile, her need to blame somebody else puts Jamari in danger.

    Jamari- you don’t have the resources to defend yourself from : “My cousin beat me because I wouldn’t prostitute myself for him.” Or anything similar. If you think this isn’t possible, think again.
    Change your locks and end all communication with her. Fights between women and Black men result in imprisoned Black men. Only expensive lawyers ever ask who started it.

    1. ^such a great comment Jay.
      im starting to understand what everyone is saying now.
      even my friend this morning had to show me the error in her ways as well as my own.
      i wouldn’t feel safe at all with her here.
      I’ll have that “what if” feeling.
      If she makes the bad guy then so be it.
      I’d rather take judgment from people than encourage a potentially dangerous situation for myself in the future

  6. i know her life has been hard but as you said most of it is her fault. Trust me I’m way too nice and understanding for my own good but there is a line, and here attacking you def was over the line. Even if you guys could repair the relationship, living together is out of the question at this point, it comes down to respect as it is clear she doesn’t have any for you it she would have never had done anything of that.

    With that being said i hope she does get some help. You’re a good person Jamari to even have a hint of sympathy for her well being as of now but you’re going to have to move on and you have all sits of hell in the outside world with work and wolves, your home should be a place of peace not chaos.

  7. In my line of work I hear sob stories about people’s lives everyday. Maybe I’m numb to it to an extent. I feel like everyone has dealt with something, but what are you doing now to better yourself?

    Prisons are filled with people that have hard lives and those homeless people you pass on the street most likely have burned every bridge they had for whatever reason.The system isn’t going to go easy on you just because you can’t move past your obstacles.

    I’m biased because I’m not close to anyone outside of my immediate family anyway so the only person Id consider letting live with me is my sister and I know even that will go bad quickly.

  8. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite Maya Angelou quotes “when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” So many people have gotten their feelings hurt and their lives taken because they didn’t believe individuals the first time. I am all for you helping your cousin, we all need a helping hand at times but she put your life in danger. I’m pretty sure she has misplaced anger but that is something that she and a professional will have to deal with. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. You really have to love some people at a distance for your own sanity.

  9. I hear you J, but I honestly don’t feel bad for her because she chose this path. If my mom could believe in herself and fight her past then let that shit go, so can Mi. And it totally okay to have slip-ups, it happens and humans are flawed, but not all the time.

  10. I don’t feel bad for Mi. How she made her bed, is how she would lie in it. Even though she had / has a rough environment, that is not an excuse. There are a lot of people, some here on this blog that experienced worst environments that have made decisions to end the cycle and are successful or on the verge of success. So I don’t have an ounce of pity for her.

"off topic", trolling, and other nonsense gets sent to my spam folder. other than that, play nice and let's discuss!