fonting of whitney,
her voice really comforts me.

before the sun was up this morning,
i got an update about something that defeated me.
this is where panic and anxiety usually comes from for me lately.
as of recent,
i’ve been listening to ariana’s “eternal sunshine: brighter days ahead”.
it’s one of those albums i found much needed comfort in.
this morning tho:

something told me to listen to “the preacher’s wife” soundtrack

sidebar: you wanna know something wild?
i have NEVER watched that movie and i don’t know why.

it was like a ding in my spirit.
i discovered that album really late but ironically enough,
back in 2003,
i would play “step by step” on repeat during difficult times.

i remember one day,
playing it on repeat,
as i laid on the floor and giving all my troubles to God.

so this morning,
i put the album on when i went to the store.
as the songs played,
i felt a peace that i haven’t felt in a long time.
when i got back in,
i was putting the groceries up and this song played:

“the Lord is my shepherd” by cissy houston with hezekiah walker & the love fellowship crusade choir

now i’ve heard this song many times,
but passively listened to the lyrics.
it didn’t stand out to me like “i love the Lord” or “hold on, help is on the way“.
these lyrics stood out to me like no other…

And you comfort me
(thank you Lord)
He prepareth a table before me
In the presence of my enemies
My anoint my head with oil
And my cup overflows
Surely goodness and mercy
Shall follow me all the days of my life
And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever and ever
Forever and ever
Amen…

…and i kid you not,
i started bawling out of nowhere.
i don’t know WHAT was happening but my soul felt those lyrics.
i feel like i have never heard those lyrics in that song before.
i always liked how she closes out the song.
i guess i wasn’t actual listening with something other than my ears.

this song came on in the rotation from whitney’s recent gospel album,
“i go to the rock“:

…and i was slain with this one too.
the “i want to live” part really broke me.

i’ve been holding onto a lot but today felt like i finally hit my limit.

i’ve had these kind of reactions to heartbreak songs,
especially when the theme is letting go and having to move on.
i can hear a song a million times,
but when my soul hears the lyrics and they relate heavy,
that is when i break down.
i’ve been carrying so much and i needed to cry.
sometimes,
you just can’t keep up the facade of being strong anymore.

you gotta let it out and surrender.

…and after i had my moment,
i was led to make the playlist of all of whitney’s gospel tracks.

…which led me to write these entries as i listened to the playlist.
something stirred in my spirit to release to The Foxhole.

i’m simply just going to go with it.

lowkey: thank you to all those who rock with me.
i appreciate your support,
patience,
and constant love.