grief.
i’ve noticed a lot of males don’t sit in their grief.
we were taught to be men!
we don’t feel sad or emotions!
we bottle them up until we explode or make us sick!

we do everything possible to distract ourselves from “feeling”.
one way i see gay males dealing with our grief:

FUCKIN’.

straight males like to act like they are above us,
but its the same shit with them in a different costume.
outside of fuckin’,
it could be other ways like:

buying shit to show we are happy
becoming a gym junkie
being mixxy out in the forests
the “drinkin’ and the druggin'”

…and other numbers of ways,
but i had to wonder…

can some of us truly handle sitting still and processing our grief?

i have been having to grieve the loss of my home i’ve lived in for over a decade and change.
i’d be a psychopath if i was like,
“well fuck this and bye!“
the problem i’ve come to realize is my survival mode is always on.
i don’t think i’ve ever felt truly safe.
i don’t have time to grieve because my brain is going a mile a minute.
i notice when i do find the time to sit TF down,
i’m already panicking about some other shit happening.

i’ve managed to grieve folks who died,
wolves i had high hopes for,
and jobs i thought would be my come up,
but i’m having a hard time grieving the loss of my home.
maybe that’s why this one is harder,
because this place didn’t just shelter me:

it witnessed me.
it held my panic.
my hope.
my pain.
my becoming.

…and now i’m being asked to leave before i’ve figured out how to say goodbye.