i always tell people that when a loved one dies,
your spirit will always remind you.
there are some years you may forget but on birthdays,
or death anniversaries,
you’ll suddenly remember out of nowhere.

“ooooh,
this is why i’ve been feeling so moody.
it’s “such and such” death anniversary…”

some years,
you’ll keep it moving because you are in a good headspace.
when you are going through a lot,
the sadness feels heavier even though it’s years or decades.

love never dies even if their physical isn’t there anymore.

as you know,
i’m dealing with a lot in this new chapter.
i’m grateful for everyone who reaches out to uplift and check in.
every year,
like clockwork around memorial day…

grief.
i’ve noticed a lot of males don’t sit in their grief.
we were taught to be men!
we don’t feel sad or emotions!
we bottle them up until we explode or make us sick!

we do everything possible to distract ourselves from “feeling”.
one way i see gay males dealing with our grief:

FUCKIN’.

straight males like to act like they are above us,
but its the same shit with them in a different costume.
outside of fuckin’,
it could be other ways like:

buying shit to show we are happy
becoming a gym junkie
being mixxy out in the forests
the “drinkin’ and the druggin'”

…and other numbers of ways,
but i had to wonder…

he was a good guy.
one of the nice ones.
like,
genuinely nice and warm.
we met on a site but there were no sparks.

just because there are no sparks,
that doesn’t mean i still won’t be friends with someone.

so even though he often tried to still hit on me,
i made sure to let him know i wasn’t interested.
he was cool about it.
when his mother died a year or four into our friendship…

“We grieve different.”

some of us are grieving a death.
someone of us are grieving heartbreak.
some of us are grieving unemployment.
some of us are grieving betrayal.
some of us are grieving all of the above.
2024 has been the year we were all unified in grief.
right now,
i’m grieving…