how do two people grow up in the same orbit,
but end up speaking completely different emotional languages?
i asked cousin hybrid that exact question yesterday.
his answer…

“You had more trauma than I did.
Gran,
the bullying,
feeling like an outcast even though you existed,
all of those things hit you harder.
I had my own trauma,
but yours shaped you differently.”

he’s always been better at boundaries tbh.
quick to check; quicker to block.
no lingering; no loops.
from exes to friends,
they all understand he is gonna do what he wants to do.

“I was taught individualism; you were taught perfectionism.
I learned to handle people; you learned to serve them.
That isn’t to say it’s a bad thing,
but if not understood properly,
it can be.
You have been in situations where you emotionally served the wrong people.
When it came time to return the favor,
they turned you into the bad guy rather than giving you grace.”

those line hit me like i was in a vehicle that stopped suddenly.
if i wasn’t wearing a seat belt,
i’d fly out the windshield.

he is right and i’m learning that now.
for years,
i thought saying “no” made me a bad person,
that choosing myself was cold and mean.
even after i had to address or set boundaries,
i was haunted by the thought of: “will they like me afterwards?”
whereas cousin hybrid has always been like nicki to mariah:

“Are you that bitch?”

i over-extended emotionally and now i’m feeling repercussions of life,
many of those people aren’t there to hold space and if they are there,
they are so fuckin’ self absorbed.

I’m starting to see things much clearer.