help me please

just now,
i was talking on FT to one of my ex-coworkers.
i haven’t seen her in a while.
due to the circumstances of the rona,
she looked really good.
so i said to her…

“If you would have told me this would have been my 2020,
not having a job and being self isolated,
I would have let out the biggest ‘fuck you’.”

foxhole,
once we got off the FT,
i legit started crying.
i don’t know why saying that hurt me so much.
i look at my old co-workers on social media and they’re bonding and connecting.
even in the midst of a pandemic,
they’re still really virtually happy with one another.

I feel so left out of what they have going on

my friends all left ny and even tho we talk via text,
i still feel really alone.
foxhole,
i’ve been feeling so depressed and defeated.
my energy is at an all time low.
so many thoughts are going through my mind…

What’s next for me?
Will I ever be someone’s “dream fox”?
How will I make money once unemployment is over?
Does that wolf I fell for even think of me?
Why do I even want someone like him to think of me?
Have I hit the bottom of the barrel?

Why does he have such a hold on me?
Will this Rona be how I die?
Would anyone even gaf if I died?

i’m trying to remain positive,
keep creative,
read,
play video games,
and connect with anyone who will give me their time.
realistically,
i’m suffering internally and i’m trying to see the good in all of this.
i don’t know who else is dealing with their own demons,
but i’d love to hear from you.
a kind word would help me so much right now.

low-key: i miss star fox.
i feel like he “got me” and since he was a gay male,
he would “get it”.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

22 thoughts on “help me please

  1. Music has been my go to since being isolated. I have heavy depression that I deal with but to escape I listen to music, watch funny movies and shoes. Anything that causes me to be sad I avoid it like the plague. I read positive stuff and I don’t watch the or any updates on this Coronavirus. Media will drive you crazy. This is the perfect time for creating innovative ideas. Don’t get sad get creative. Hell I even talk to myself sometimes lol. Whatever I must do at that moment to get to happy I do it. Also I’ve been hitting masturbation up crazy with pornhub premium since it’s free

    1. ^i’m trying to fight this depression,
      but it comes in waves.
      one minute,
      i’m okay and the next,
      something sets a big wave that takes me under.

      i don’t know if the rona activated a major depression,
      or it enhanced what was already there,
      but i’m definitely at my lowest these days.

  2. I concur with Malcom. Music, movies, reading, online shopping, & masturbation tends to help me through this time; my anxiety is also at a all time high with everything i had looking forward to within the next couple of months has been cancelled or postponed. I’ve been ghosted, disappointed, and depressed with what’s going on in the world however I’m choosing to be present in the moment by working on the mind body & soul connection. Try to pick up a new hobby maybe work out the stress & tap into your creative side, your time is now 🖤

  3. Hang in there everybody, my anxiety hit me hard last week and I am still dealing with it but it has gotten better. I am use to being by myself anyway but this feels so different, these days are blending together and it feels really weird, but I am determined to tell my story to future generations. This has been the most horrible thing in so many ways, I have to keep telling myself that this is not the end, but a part of me feels like the whole world may melt down. I do not feel safe even in my own home, we have an inept incompetent asshole in charge and I am sure things are going to get worse before they get better. The greedy 1percent in this world have wreaked havoc on the environment and we all are going to have to suffer this time around. Stay strong as you can and please stay safe and away from everyone as much as possible especially all of us in large metro areas. J I am praying for you and all of NYC at this moment.

    1. ^”I am use to being by myself anyway but this feels so different, these days are blending together and it feels really weird,”

      i felt that 110% t.
      the meltdown from everyone else is coming.
      i need to be strong af when that happens.

  4. I feel the same it’s my birthday and I feel undeserving of another year…No significant other No career I just feel low and stuck

  5. You have a lot to be thankful for. I’ve followed you for several years and you always bounce back. Rona has turned everyone’s life upside down but remember you help people that realize they are not alone. You put your life out there and you have know idea how much you have helped people. I look forward to reading you blog everyday. You are a brave resilient person and you’ll get through this, and as you do you’ll be helping other dealing with similar situations. Thank you for sharing you life with us.

    1. ^thank you calvin.
      i appreciate your kind words.
      thank you for sticking with me during my good and bad.
      right now is just a moment.
      one i will look back on and be thankful i made it out.

      these last few months have been a struggle.

  6. Whatever it takes, stay positive and keep negative thoughts, people, and situations at bay. Attempt to work through your feelings (good or bad) at that moment; whether that’s talking aloud or writing feelings down. Don’t allow negative energy to linger.

    It’s okay to feel sad and tired, but you can’t allow yourself to be stuck in that way of being.

    Most importantly, remember to put God first. He’s strengthened you through so many tough periods of your life. You have to believe He’ll do it again.

    Keep your mind at ease and your head up, J.

  7. Jamari,

    I’m trying to figure out my place in this changing world, too. I look forward to reading your words almost daily, even if I don’t always respond. So, I’m out here in Tennessee sending love, light and prayers your way. As many others have stated, music, prayers, eating (can’t work out, so fuck it), masturbation and television are getting me through. I REFUSE, however, to lose my optimism for something better to come. Stay strong, WE WILL GET THERE!

    1. I think it might have something to do with miss rona and this quarantine! Being locked away without nature or sunlight can really affect your mood.

  8. It’s a tough time and it doesn’t look good all the way around?

    What can you do about it? Nothing. STAY AWAY FROM THE NEWS AND SOCIAL MEDIA if possible. I was anxious too until i stopped burying myself in the news.

    Use this time for self improvement. I am learning a new language, reading, and exercising like a mad man.

    Take a free online course. Boost your immune system. Eat right.

  9. Jamari I feel hopeless these days, in a job I completely hate, I feel so small in this mess of a world we live in. All of my friends moved, cut off some really close ppl I thought would be in my life forever and it’s just tough. I find myself worrying about my close family members and this Covid crisis. I feel like I’m one more tragedy from completely shattering. There’s this fire in me that won’t burn out but I’m am completely beat. I feel you and we are all in this together. We just need to wait it out and strengthen our mental.

    I love you.

  10. Try exercising to help relieve the stress and anxiety. It’s hard now that the gyms are closed, but if you get creative you can make it happen. Go for a run. I remember running on the treadmill feeling so low, listening to sia’s titanium and just crying. When I got off the treadmill I actually felt a little better. Whatever you don’t, let these feelings building up in you.

  11. These past couple of months, I think I see what the issue is, to me. When your coworkers threw you that party, you was happy as ever not a care in this world. The fact they are going on and still managed to be happy has gotten you feeling like, “I missed that memo”. You miss them how happy they made you. You can’t and especially now, get to that place. Its not the job, you couldn’t stand the job and management but you love your former coworkers. Its their facial reactions that you look forward to. You get so emotionally happy around them. Try inviting them just for company even if its one on one.

  12. I think you don’t see yourself as a fighter, you’ve been through a lot more downs than up but you have always stuck it out. That’s not just because of luck or happenstance there is an inner will in you to be happy it might not be the strongest at time s but it never goes away. What I’m learning as I get older is that everyone’s journey is different comparing yours to another will do no one any good. There are thought times we are living through right now but I believe they will get better go all of us.

  13. I understand how you feel it seems like this year has been a struggle in all things but I believe you will be okay and push through the bs. You have the will and you have always made it through things that have tried to set/hold you back.

  14. Is it time for a fresh start jamari? A new beginning? How long have you been in nyc? Maybe all that you desire can be found in dc? Back down south?

  15. Jamari I think your seeking attention. You might be down but every other week you post on here you’re depressed and use images that would elude to you hurting yourself. Simply put, you want a man. Find you one. You want to stop being fired from these jobs. Finish your degree. You have nothing but time. Stop feeding into all these depression and attention seeking behaviors. You’re too old for that.

  16. Talk to a professional. I’m sure there are some free to low-cost services – someone that is sensitive to gay black men. I don’t know if GMAD still exists in NYC, but if so, they would have some resources. And you can do it over video. You’re not alone & a lot of people are going through right now – this situation only enhances it. But definitely find someone you can trust to talk to.

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