i was talking on FT to one of my ex-coworkers.
i haven’t seen her in a while.
due to the circumstances of the rona,
she looked really good.
so i said to her…
“If you would have told me this would have been my 2020,
not having a job and being self isolated,
I would have let out the biggest ‘fuck you’.”
once we got off the FT,
i legit started crying.
i don’t know why saying that hurt me so much.
i look at my old co-workers on social media and they’re bonding and connecting.
even in the midst of a pandemic,
they’re still really virtually happy with one another.
I feel so left out of what they have going on
my friends all left ny and even tho we talk via text,
i still feel really alone.
i’ve been feeling so depressed and defeated.
my energy is at an all time low.
so many thoughts are going through my mind…
What’s next for me?
Will I ever be someone’s “dream fox”?
How will I make money once unemployment is over?
Does that wolf I fell for even think of me?
Why do I even want someone like him to think of me?
Have I hit the bottom of the barrel?
Why does he have such a hold on me?
Will this Rona be how I die?
Would anyone even gaf if I died?
i’m trying to remain positive,
play video games,
and connect with anyone who will give me their time.
i’m suffering internally and i’m trying to see the good in all of this.
i don’t know who else is dealing with their own demons,
but i’d love to hear from you.
a kind word would help me so much right now.
low-key: i miss star fox.
i feel like he “got me” and since he was a gay male,
he would “get it”.