why are the emotionally unavailable males the sexiest?

i am attracted to emotionally unavailable “straight” jackals.
i have the guts to admit my faults tho.
i seem to have a thing for males who love mixed signals.
one minute,
they are showing signs of interest to get you wrapped up.
the next,
it’s like they barely even know you.
once they need something to feed on,
they are right back to me.
after my string of disasters in my “lust” life,
i came to that conclusion by breaking down my biggest mistakes

work wolf was the definition of emotionally unavailable.
even as a “friend”,
he would treat me like pure shit.
i was sure he was interested in me,
but now that i think of it,
he was just enjoying the attention that i gave him.
his days were spent desperately looking for a vixen to be with.
he enjoyed our moments because it was the affection he wasn’t getting.
once he found someone,
he would leave me alone until that ended in disaster.
they always ended in disaster.
when i look back to how he treated vixens,
he did the same thing to them.
i wasn’t a special snowflake as much as i thought i was.

i started to find interest in someone who had similar traits 2 mercury retrogrades ago.
he was much bolder with his interest in me.
for him,
i played it cool and let him do all the heavy lifting.
of course,
he was the typical curious jackal that always falls for me.
our communication was always non-verbal.

the way he would stare a hole in me when i saw him
the way he would try to get my attention when i didn’t pay attention to him

so i started to play along.
he played himself trying to ghost me one time.

i ended up ignored TF outta his attention and messages.
even though i let him lead,
and i kept my guard up,
the problem is that i got emotionally attached.
that is always a big “no-no” with these types.
sadly we have stopped speaking on his terms,
but the “what ifs” and “why’s?” of our situation are always on my brain.
am i an idiot for thinking there could be still “something” even still?
yeah,
i’m an idiot.

i’ve realized i chase these kind of wolves due to how i was raised.
my parents were emotionally unavailable to me.
they would love bomb and then proceed to gas light me.
i chased them for their affection so with these jackals,
it sparks a familiar pattern.
many gay males experience this with jackals as well too.
out or in the closet.
we can have amazing sex,
but its the emotionally unavailable that we always remember.

NO MORE

i have always spoken about the dangers of emotional attachment.
that’s worst than physical because sex can be a fleeting moment.

The longing for someone toxic once they aren’t there anymore is the most dangerous.

we have to avoid these emotionally unavailable mixed signally jackals.
when we find ourselves making excuses for their behavior is the first red flag.
the second is this hope we can “turn them out” for a happily ever after.
it won’t happen and even if it does,
they will end up driving us crazy with the mixed signals.
they’re no good for us and don’t deserve the pedestal we placed them on.

low-key: God is still working on me.
i’m still liable to fuck up,
but i’m working to being more in control with these wolves.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

11 thoughts on “why are the emotionally unavailable males the sexiest?

  1. Imma be real; I think we as gay men ALL have a certain level of self hate/ loathing, especially if we couldn’t blend into straight spaces. Theres this little part that Longs to fit in as MEN & then when u add in sexual attraction it’s this DOUBLE whammy of over eagerness to be wanted by masculine “straight” men that set that mold. Because if “He” can see the “worth” in me, then im not “that bad” or just “the stereotype”. I totally feel u Jamari & I’ve been there too, I had a “work wolf” and to be honest, reading your write-ups use to upset me a lil subconsciously cause I SWORE my situation was “so different” but no, like yours; he liked the softness, the affection & the comfort I provided (he was an insomniac and legit only slept when I was over 🙄) but he couldn’t provide me ANY physical (& barely emotional) reciprocation and I had to come to terms that while I know he “cared“ about me, he just wasn’t GAY in the sense that even if there was a TINGE inside, his MIND was not going to allow him to engage, and I would be doing myself a disservice if I continued to except this. One day he even said to me “your gonna make some man really happy one day” and I swear on my life my heart broke cause I think that’s when I realized it just wasn’t gonna happen…..I say all this to Basically say, you are NOT alone, so please don’t get down on yourself ❤️

    1. ^i love when the foxhole can get honest.
      no need in feeling shame.
      we all go through this.
      you went through something similar even if the circumstances were different.

      i can be totally honest when i look back at that work wolf situation.
      once thing i noticed is i looked so bad because that situation was suckin the life outta me.
      i lost so much weight and i looked horrid.
      when he left my life and i grieved it being over,
      i got back to normal and dare i font,
      i ended up looking much better.

      these situations end up taking a toll on me and that’s the biggest sign.
      thank you for sharing your truth with me bryan.

      1. No problem, it felt good to get that off my mind actually, and just one more thing! our stories ALSO share us looking bad 😩😂 yo I had lost mad weight too, and this nigga was just over here lookin flawless! Mind you the nigga was damn near homeless! getting KICKED out of places left & right! I’m like how TF You look so good! nigga knew how to cut his own hair & everything, ugh use to make me SICK 🙄 😂😂😂

        1. ^i think we looked bad because we gave them all of us.
          we treated them like they were ours.
          they were energy vampires who used their emotional unavailability to their advantage.
          we lost control and it made us anxious because secretly,
          we were scared they would leave us during that moment.
          well,
          that was my fear.
          he would get with someone else and my life would be over.

          well guess what jamari?
          he did and i survived.

    2. My first relationship was to a fine as abusive fuck boy. Years later I realized it’s because I figured if he could love me then I wasn’t that bad. He was the kind of guy my mother would have wanted me to be. I was trying to earn her love (never getting that) through him. The funny thing is after a lot of soul searching I don’t like masculine men. I like the look but I need a feminine personality. Someone I can laugh with. All of the masculine men I’ve been with its there famine side I loved but there masculine validation I’ve craved.

  2. Bryan your post broke me all the way down because I can relate too it. It is something about a masculine Str8 dude who pays you attention especially if he is someone you are physically attracted too that is DANGEROUS, if you become emotionally attached to him it can be LETHAL for your heart and soul. I am speaking from experience. I wish I could go into greater detail about it, but I am going to be honest, it really hurts too bad to talk about it right now, days when I think I am strong and over the situation, I realize that I am not, I realize that I have let an emotional unavailable narcissist straight identified male almost destroy my emotional well-being. I am still going thru this storm as I type this but it is getting better. The games these dudes play with you will have you thinking you aint Shit and you are next to nothing. Sometimes you have to look at yourself and remember who you are and you are worthy and deserves someone who is going to appreciate you.

    1. Thankyou Tajan, it was on my heart and I started typing and couldn’t stop lol I’m so glad it Resonated with u, cause sometimes even something as “little” as knowing someone else has gone through it, can really make us feel better! But u know one more thing that helped/ still does help me, I realized that the SAME masculine energy that i let intimidated me, I still Possess ASWELL! Even if it’s not as rough or hard as the next, I am STILL a man and should not let other man emotionally back me into a corner! It’s crazy but once I realized this it helped me stop looking at masculine males (the ones at the barber shop, at club, the car wash etc.) as intimidating, and more as equals, Tajan I know that hurt stings but Know u are strong! And in a lot of ways STRONGER Because u can PROCESS these feelings, most of these hyper masculine men are emotionally stunted (In my opinion Imprisoned), they just hop on that 2K game and call that coping, 🙄😂 ….trust me U got this! ❤️

  3. @Bryan, Tajan, & Jamari,

    It’s so funny that this was the first post I read today. I attract emotionally unavailable men like “bees to honey” (as they say). I have fallen off the “trying to get better” wagon so many times I’m afraid it’s made me skeptical of any “masculine” man. But that’s what I’m attracted to, so I don’t even try to meet men anymore. I will talk to them if they approach me but it’s with one eyebrow raised like “nigga, really?”. Even the “softer” guys I’ve tried to talk to have some degree of unavailability in them somewhere. My close friends think my avoidance/skepticism of men is me being strong because that’s how I present it to avoid the embarrassment of not being able to “get myself right” after all this time. Thank you guys for talking about this so this negro doesn’t have to feel alone, LOL….

  4. Sometimes you gotta admit when you are not ready to date. I’m not ready. I still get weak for a broken masculine dude. Houston is FULL of them. I honestly wouldn’t know what to do with a good dude. I’d probably curse him out. Is probably start crying because I “know” I’m not good enough and feel like he’s playing games with me pretending that I am.

    Deep down inside I don’t feel valuable and loveable. So I seek these broken dudes with traits I feel I’m missing (mainly masculinity). I notice I never lust after feminine or fat fuck boys. Society doesn’t value them so I can’t value myself through them.

    It’s too the point where I’m thinking about selling my services. Not sure if your man is a fuck boy? Bring him to me. If I don’t want him you’ve found a keeper. If I’m interested he’s a fuck boy. Until I get over all that self hate I’m not going to date.

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