…emotionally tho,
it’s been a big yikes.
as much fun as sexy wolves are:

my mentals have been all over the place.

if “faking it til you make it” was a competition,
i’d win a platinum medal.
that has been faking a smile when i’d rather say fuck everyone.
i’ve literally been the entire “after laughter” album from paramore.

when you are staying at someone else’s crib tho,
you gotta fake it as much as possibly you can.
you don’t want to give them the impression you are ungrateful.
i have been enjoying making sure dishes are washed,
trash is taken out,
products i use gets replaced,
and everything is order before they get home.
that is one of the many things i learned from Mum and even Star Fox…

“when you are a guest in someone’s home,
you need to be an asset rather than their newest problem.”

fancy said this seems like a foreshadow for my partner as most as my life usual is.

karaoke said something to me last year that i haven’t forgotten.
she said when she is feeling out of control,
and she doesn’t know what to do,
she does nothing.
it doesn’t mean she is lazy,
it means that she doesn’t allow things that are out of her control to stress her.

“what is stressing going to do,
jamari?”
it won’t fix it.”

ironically,
at church this past weekend,
my pastor said something similar.

“when seeking clarity,
you need to go to stillness.”

they reference stillness a lot in the bible too.
i decided that for this week,
i’m going to be still.

i have been feeling so emotionally out of control.

i don’t think i have properly grieved my old spot.
it was get out of there,
get here,
but then try to get out of here.
it ain’t even been a whole month yet.

so i’m gonna try that “let go and let God” thing many of ya’ll speak and font so highly of

…because i’m no good if i’m no good.

lowkey: one thing that makes me happy is that i’m not comfortable.
i’m not gonna be comfortable until i’m back in my own spot.
don’t get me wrong,
i’m being treated well but its ingrained in me to never get comfortable in temporary situations.