so last night,
i decided to meet up wit star fox’s “x”.
he hit me up and said he was in the area to grab dinner.
we met up at a nice spanish spot to catch up.
who knew he would end up letting me have it last night?
so before i got to the restaurant,
i saw this SUPER fine wolf walking towards me.
a thick muscular build.
his clothes fit his body so good
he saw me and instantly looked down at his phone.
that bothered me.
that happens a lot actually.
then as i was in the barber shop,
this other fine wolf walked in straight from the gym.
he was soooooo fine.
his face was perfect
he saw me and looked away.
so i felt low-key depressed.
i felt like something was wrong with me.
was i ugly?
am i a queen and don’t realize it?
is there a curse on my life?
are my parents cock blockin’ from heaven?
wtf is happening?
x saw i had something on my mind.
i’m no good at hiding my emotions on my face.
plus the comments in ( x this entry ) also had me in thought.
so i told him what was going on with me and my issues.
its like i just exploded about everything.
he knows me,
and could offer some constructive criticism.
he said the line we all dread:
“aight time for some tough love…”
i braced myself for what he said.
he said a lot but this is what i remember:
i walk down the street and dudes look off from me.
at first it bothered me,
but after asking people,
they told me i look intimidating.
you look serious and you probably scaring these pineapples half to death.
there is nothing wrong with you.
the reason people look off from you is you are attractive,
and look like you not with the dumb shit.
how you think they going to be?
of course people will feel awkward around you…”
i do the same when i see someone i’m attracted too.
i don’t want them to know i am looking.
“why do you base your life off superficial shit?”
i had said something about the jackals and hyenas meeting these wolves,
the fine ones,
and being able to fuck them.
so he goes in:
“jamari i want you to hear yourself.
the queens are getting them…
they aren’t dating them.
there is no ring on the finger.
this is dick.
i have fucked with a few queens when i was real horny.
no doubt they got good ass,
but thats just it.
the way how queens do it is they meet him,
and go home.
they’ll initiate contact for more sex,
but if he doesn’t respond,
then its back to meeting another pineapples.
take it from me.
i have slept around because i was looking for something.
i have issues!
i realized just recently that i wasn’t happy.
even as a wolf,
i wanted to find someone to love me.
which is why i asked to be with you that one time.
so do you really think people who are sleeping around are happy?
imagine sleeping with the fine dude that won’t call you again?
that hurts and you should be glad you aren’t experiencing that side of life…”
this is why i’m not good at one night stands.
“well people online glorify sleeping around.
its almost like sex is our calling card for finding a relationship…”
“um its online!
everyone can say whatever they want online.
i say dumb shit online.
i’m alone and looking to be loved just like they are.
gays are able to live in a fantasy world online.
meet them offline and they don’t have their life together.
some of them not even decent people but can judge everyone else…”
then this is where shit got real:
“you are too invested off superficial shit j.
i been meaning to tell you this for a while.
shit like meeting a pineapples and sex.
you base yourself off how you look and how men should treat you.
you think that because you are attractive,
pineapples should approach you on the street.
some of them are straight and the ones who are gay,
don’t know how to come at you.
you don’t even realize you have so much power that its crazy…”
“do you know that you are in such a better position in life.
your own crib,
good job besides the bullshit,
you just told me you got a credit card,
and no diseases.
plus you are good looking and can dress.
our asshole doesn’t need to be sewed back together.
what is the issue again???
these pineapples out here not even on your level of life!
you need to stop this self destruction before its too late.
this can become an issue…”
“if you would spend your time focusing on what you need to do,
you would be so high in life.
i see so much potential for you and you are wasting it on dumb shit.
start to realizing your power and you gonna see your life different…”
he is right.
i almost felt tears come out my eyes.
i was in a restaurant tho.
wasn’t gonna do that in there.
i honestly wrote this crying tho.
just trying to remember what he said made me feel so bad about myself.
what have i done to myself ya’ll?
i spent much of my life beating myself up,
that i haven’t actually embraced the good parts of myself.
i don’t know how and that hurts me.
i’ve just been going through like numb to anything good that has happened.
i do it and don’t even pat myself on the back.
i think thats what star fox said when he would say i “have a light”.
i refused to turn it on because i didn’t believe it.
so much because it makes me feel stagnant every day.
its funny how someone can tell you who you are,
but you never even considered that side.
“aha” moment #3?