i woke up this morning at 4am in a sweat.
it was kinda hot in my apartment,
because the heat been on “hoe in church with no draws on” level.
ironically enough,
i went to sleep naked that night.
i had a funny feeling in the pit my stomach.
something didn’t feel “right”.
i get those feelings often.
i got up and went to check the locks.
locked.
i walked throughout the crib to make sure no one was hiding in my closets.
(ha ha ha i already hear the jokes now).
nothing.
i looked at my mail on my coffee table.
no current or overdue bills.
restaurant ads and junk mail.
my apartment was clean.
i gave a quick thanks to god.
he has provided me so much and i am truly grateful.
i laid on my couch.
what was this feeling i was having?
why was i having it?
i wasn’t use to it.
then it hit me!
i was feeling the effects of “my house was in order”.
i had no drama in my life.
i’m not getting fucked on the regular,
but i don’t have to worry about some bullshit ass wolf.
no struggling to pay bills.
food was in my fridge.
i’m unemployed,
but i was still making it.
i cut off all the dead weight.
i erased a ton of useless contacts in my phone.
so why was i feeling like this?
why was i up at 4am,
naked,
and still stripping myself down looking for something wrong?
i started to wonder…
if i am so used to things going completely left field…
Was I actually shocked when things are going right?
couple years ago,
when my life was a mess of question marks,
i always expected something to go wrong.
it usually did.
i knew that around the corner,
something was going to get wallop me with some bullshit.
a massive overdue bill.
computer issues.
fake friend drama.
the wolf i liked didn’t like me back.
my job would throw me a curve ball.
as of late,
i have been happy in all the other areas of my life.
reading a ton of self-help books that have me seeing positive.
this site has also contributed to my happiness.
the biggest one?
i wasn’t thirsty to look for a wolf.
yesterday i saw a fine one who was giving me the impression he was interested,
and even though i didn’t get a number to get that “dih”,
i moved on pretty fast.
he vanished from the prison in my mind he would’ve been trapped in.
very odd for me.
is this growth?
am i going crazy?
i dunno…
i had to wonder about life and drama.
is life all about drama?
is it about something always going wrong to challenge us?
i know people who live for the drama.
their always wrapped up in some UN-neccassary shit.
i also know people who only hang with the wrong people.
i guess they keep them in the “know”,
but then their business is always in out there too.
i don’t want “that”.
i just want to be happy and live like “this”.
the only thing bothering me is how to live like this,
without having to work at a job again?
sooner or later,
i will have to find a job.
is it wrong when i say i’m scorned with going back to one?
there it is.
i guess i found it.
i just exhaled.
so i’m wondering:
Is it reality TV? I see so many vixens and queens who immolate everything they see these tacky ass reality stars do, they love to set it off with unnecessary drama. I remember years ago, I used to have this friend who was always having some type of drama with his boyfriend and after a while I realized that he created this because this was all he knew, after talking to him and seeing how he grew up and how his mom handled her “many relationships” I realized then that he thinks thats how you are supposed to be in a relationship. Its so many people who have grew up in chaotic, survive at any cost environments that they dont know how to let go of anger, mistrust of others, and ignorant behavior to solve problems. I run from loud obnoxious people, they make me cringe inside. I guess the drama is exciting and makes your adrenaline rush and thats why so many people gravitate toward it. Miss me with all of that.
Now Brother Icee, you spoke and preached to my spirit with your comments especially about the job situation and how things will always change for better or worse. 2yrs ago, today, I left a decent paying job with good benefits because I was miserable, overweight, and just unhappy with my life. I still have not found my dream job and its been scary and sometimes stressful figuring out my next move. I am working for half the money I used to make, but making less has taught me how to budget, cut out unnecessary shopping, hanging out and socializing with users and appreciating every penny, the job I am doing is really not about much, but I am thankful for the opportunity to earn money and I feel that a greater blessing is just around the corner. I am now almost 50lbs lighter, look ten years younger, and have more muscles than I did when I was in my early 20’s thanks to my fitness focused lifestyle. I still have a way to go especially in the love department, but when I am down I can come to this blog and be lifted with some of these comments showing me I am not alone. My wish is that everybody will take a chance and find themselves before the caskets drop because you truly only have one life to live, and get away from drama at all cost because it just stresses you out and takes years off of your life.
I’m happy you’re drama free and all, but….
I’m going to need you to take pics next time you’re walking around your apartment naked at 4 am.
Thanks in advance!
^ lololol!!!
Hell yea. Niggas tryin to get a peep. 🙂
————-
Drama is not good and it’s really unhealthy. We shouldn’t have drama in your life. I must admit it spices up things a little bit though, but too much is a bad thing. People who have a ton of drama in their life (mainly messy unnecessary bullshit), I wonder how they deal with it everyday. I’ll be like eff that!
No, it feels good when drama is not a factor, no drama means that I will not be worrying about a got damn thing. No drama is just as good as being on a vacation in Hawaii lol.
It’s been awhile, been kicking all last week, but HELL NAW, being drama free is your natural state.
It’s foolish to add unnecessary drama in life to feel like you’ve made it through a struggle. Life is full of joys and pains, why add premeditated bullshit OR expect it?
Makes no sense, people who do this above a certain age should be identified and avoided.
If you are not at your dream job, now is the time to create it. This is also the perfect time to know yourself without a steady source of income or work identity.
Who are you with no money or job? Once you have that answer can’t nobody tell you and damn thing.
Had a convo with my father recently about personal recessions. He has gone through five of them already, some that coincided with society, some I had no idea about, I was tripping through this current one, but I will not anymore.
Situations change, in spite of the situation, beneficials things are happening everyday.
^such an excellent comment.
it seems people today like drama.
they fuck with people who they know have drama.
they are on social media poppin’ off.
it’s even worse in the gay world.
you can’t meet anyone who doesn’t have an airport full of baggage.
im not about that life.
ive had people not be friends with me because I wasn’t providing them with drama for them to live off of.
they quickly found people who did,
they got fucked over,
and then wanted to call me to talk about it.
voicemail.
I’d rather be drama free and finding ways to bring money and happiness into my life.
i think people just want excitement.
Hate to be in all your business J, but how the hell do you live and play in the Concrete Forest without a job. Unemployment helps, but that only helps you tread water. Did you win the lottery, sugar daddy, rich relative? Inquiring minds want to know.
^well just know im not selling my body,
conning people for their money,
or doing credit card scams with brooklyn hustlers.
😉
…oh I’m not a spy either.
lol
LOL. You better not be selling your body.
^LOL.
i don’t do “wear and tear” babe.
Shit, you have my respect. I wouldn’t last a month in NYC with a steady job.
If you’re doing webcam shows. I have my my credit card in the air like an old woman excited for offering time in church. Lol
I heard Michael Strahan car service was spotted in front of your building the other nite.
^he was bringing me that 10k for the month.
he was a little late with it.
Lol