my friend said to me over the weekend:

“life is really testing you right now.
you got a big blessing on the way.”

i need blessing with an s.
it felt good to hear but when you’re in it,
it can feel condescending AF.
last week was utter chaos.

a major blowup at the beginning of the week.
a heavy walking on eggshells the middle of the week.
a 10-person sleepover at the end of the week.
a weekend guest over the weekend.
a no real space to breathe all around.

i had an anxiety attack on friday when i saw 10 people trying to squeeze in here,
and then add on top of that…

i learned the hard way when everything came to ahead.

some people internalize
they’re ultra sensitive
they build stories in silence and then move like they’re facts

under stress,
it can get chaotic.
while i have done the same in past situations,
i found help so i could understand my crazy.
monday and tuesday were an absolute mess.
we had our first shared space fight,
which revealed a lot about each other.

i move on structure and clear communication
they move on impulses and emotions

it reminded me of my grandmother and it triggered me heavy.
after it blew up,
we made up,
but the worst thing happened the next day…

stress can look like chaos happening all at once.
it looks like someone handing you their overwhelm and calling it a conversation.
one minute you’re talking about buying trash bags that ran out,
next minute you’re defending your entire existence in a shared space.
i’ve learned something tonight…

i hit my first snag of “the shared living space” today.

i woke up with a headache during the snag of “the shared living space” too.
when i had my own space,
my saturdays was a day to relax,
maybe run errands,
or do some light Foxholing if i chose to.
in someone else’s space,
however,
i adjust to whatever changes at any given moment.
so today,
quiet wasn’t on the agenda.
i was told an hour before…

i’m not the biggest k pop person.

i have heard some songs from artists i liked in passing,
but not enough to make the effort to listen.
for the last 6 months,
i have been listening to ariana grade heavy.

positions
sweetener
thank you next (sometimes)

…but positions was really on heavy rotation.

something was urging me to listen to the blackpink vixens solos.
jennie
lisa
rosé
jisoo
i enjoyed these two tracks from them:

i heard a song from lisa with doja cat,
or one of the rap vixens,
that i liked.
on one of my strolls the other day because it was nice out,
something told me listen to one of the member’s solo album and Foxhole…

“have i officially hit rock bottom?“

that was the thought going through my head yesterday.
here i was,
looking stylish because that is who i am,
standing in a suburban forest line with a ton of white folks…