i don’t know if this has always been a thing,
or maybe my allergies are turnt TF up today,
but the bananas i bought the other day smelled…

i’ve realized that i’ve spent my entire life performing for family,
“friends”,
jobs,
and of course,
wolves i really liked.
the forest was my stage and everyone was my audience but in reality:

the more i performed; the less i found myself being accepted and respected.

many people didn’t stick around as much effort as i put in.
once they left,
i still found myself performing for their approval.
i wanted people that don’t even matter to still see me in some way.
it caused me to be consumed by the dark arts of the performance,
all the while making me doubt myself in where i stand in my life if i wasn’t “the star”.
as i have been healing many parts of me that are broken…

…this week,
after a lot of soul searching,
i asked myself a question:

What are things about me that makes me a bad partner?

i was honest with myself about my red flags…

recently,
i caught feelings…
or so i thought.
he is so sexy to me.
it’s his voice,
how attentive he is,
and how he made me feel seen when we were together.

But…

there were many times i’d feel more confused than connected,
but somehow,
i still wanted more.
for a while,
i told myself it would work.
“lied to myself“,
actually.
as the conversations showed more emotional detachment,
and the connection started feeling more skimp,
i started feeling something i knew all too well…

what is corny,
really?
i found myself asking that question today while watching everyone drag akademiks:

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it is giving loud,
off,
and “do these people even like him?”.
everything about it screamed cornball behavior but i had to wonder:

We throw the word “corny” around a lot but what are we actually calling out?

right now…

Foxhole,
I went to the promise land over the weekend.
The promise land = my friend’s luxury building.

so i met this friend at a past job.
she has been asking me and another mutual friend to come see her in jersey.
it’s been a few years now.
she was gonna BBQ and we would hang out for a little reunion.
we both agreed because it’s only jersey.
the trip there was like an hour and 40 minutes by train.
when we finally arrived,
i noticed it was HD bright.
it was the type of bright i’ve never seen in new yawk.
when we got to her building,
i fell in love as she gave us the tour:

Massive Rooftop
Huge pool
Gym
Common area
Arcade
Various lounges + work areas
24 hr security desk

but Foxhole,
lets get into the real view…