it’s pretty easy to fall into destructive habits on social media.
before “snap” and “ig“,
if we weren’t in someone’s life any longer,
we truly didn’t know what was happening with them.
it isn’t until we run into them in the supermarket,
or get word of their death,
is when we’ll get an update.
it’s easy to become a lowkey stalker these days.
for the last week,
that has been me.
I found the first wolf that was my first crush
my first “work wolf”,
sans a working environment.
the one who literally opened the door to alla this.
we all have that one.
i fucked up…
one thing i realized too:
All of the wolves that I’ve fallen for look like a variation of him
the common theme is they all have his facial structure.
anyway,
we met as teenagers,
but the things he did me question my sexuality.
i was completely clueless at first,
as he identified as straight,
but it wasn’t until someone i was close to pointed out the things he did to me.
“He likes you Jamari.”
…and then i started noticing other shit he did to me when no one was looking.
BOOM.
welcome to being trapped in this mind fuck of of “signs” and “clues“.
not only that…
He was sexy af
he was the “most handsome-est” of all the wolves i’ve ever crushed on.
all the vixens loved him when we were younger.
he’d walk in a room and you’d literally hear the elastic on panties pop.
he went through so many vixens.
no one really stuck tho.
one thing about him is he always looked sad.
I’m attracted to conflicted souls and they’re attracted to me
his eyes always looked like he had so much going on in his mind.
aside from his looks,
i found that so attractive.
i wanted to save him and myself.
last week,
i found him through a mutual friend.
he commented on their picture and i ended up going to his ig.
he looks even better and seems to be living a damn good life.
he has a few work out videos and i nearly lost it.
his eyes still tell me a story tho.
i won’t lie…
Seeing him again made me so sad,
but I can’t stop looking at his pics
i must be addicted to pain or something.
i doubt we will ever connect again.
we are strangers only connected through a friend list.
i’m trying to stop looking his updates,
but it ain’t easy.
it’s hard to let go of the first “work wolf” that opened your sexuality.
lowkey: i’m making an effort to cut him outta my social media diet.
I saw mine at a wedding. He was engaged to a pastor’s daughter and they broke it off. He was a friend of the groom. After he saw me, I heard him tell the groom he was going to have to pass on the reception. He’s a Cancer so I know he couldn’t handle seeing me. I heard he’s still single to this day. I ran into him and he works near my house. I acted like I didn’t see him. I refuse to play myself again.
^something this comment gave me chills.
the last sentence was brave.
I said he was a Cancer like it didn’t affect me. I’m super emotional. Seeing him was “This could be us, but you playin” in real life. At a wedding? And yes, I’d thought about marrying him. Especially back when gay marriage was a big deal and people were trying to get a petition against it. He didn’t sign it. Other times, when we hung out, he would sit on my lap and bounce and I’d try to get him off. Tried to kiss me several times. But hey, that’s “straight”. Once you react back, you’re “suspect”. It’s a ridiculous mindgame with no winner.
People get embarrassed at that person who is openly affectionate, but I’d rather that over the “Is he? Isn’t he?” uncertainty. Not much is certain in life and we need to be sure of who loves us.
So I’m guessing inboxing him is not an option? Or do you feel like it’ll be wasted effort?
^wasted.
last time i inboxed one of the wolves from that side of my life,
it went read and ignored.
i don’t know if he will,
but i don’t feel comfortable reaching out as of yet.
I
1. Is there a model, rapper, or actor that he looks like?
2. Why did you two lose touch?
3. And it if this is someone who takes over your heart and thoughts just at the mention of his name…you have to block him. Wounds of the heart don’t heal, we only get used to the longing. That only happens if you give yourself time to let him drift to the back of your mind.
1 – honestly,
none at the moment.
i feel like there is one,
but i haven’t seen him yet.
2 – long story.
in the war of roses,
sometimes,
folks will take other sides out of loyalty of them rather than you.
3 – you’re right.
i gotta treat him like the knock off “work wolf” to him.
I really takes time to get over some people, even a lifetime it seems. But you’re doing great yourself. Keep pressing forward your KING is out there waiting
^thank you malcolm.
it really does take a lifetime especially when there is no closure.