Move It, Lose It, Or Just Fuckin’ Die.

tumblr_m6ufu5AzQ61qks25go1_1280 i went over to mr. big wolf’s apartment friday.
star fox’s ex.
he picked me up and got some food.
i needed someone to talk too.
i didn’t clean myself out because no sex would be happening.
well i hoped not anyway….

it felt good to talk to someone who knew star fox like i did.
someone who knows “the real him”.
not the “made for family” version.
we shared stories and watched videos of them on his computer.
it was so surreal seeing a younger star fox having fun.
being kinda ratchet.
that was the person i knew.
the one i missed.

after having a deep conversation about life,
him fainting at me being married,
we went over to his friend’s crib.
i never met these people,
but i remember star fox always talking about hanging with them.
they lived in a nice apartment in brooklyn.
neighborhood was do-able.
it seemed star fox knew a lot of “artistic” people.
i found out that mr. big wolf has been hiding this secret career as a rapper.
yes.
a rapper.
i actually witnessed him get on the mic in their home made studio.
would i buy his record?
no.
would i listen to a free copy?
definitely.

f03z1cit was amazing to me how these people knew of me,
but they never met me.
they told me how star fox would always talk so highly about me.
they thought i was some celeb.
he always mentioned something about me.
something i was doing.
something i said.
that’s when it happened.
i broke.
cried like a damn baby.
“is this happening now?”
“ugh”.
i was so embarrassed.
they didn’t judge me.
they knew.
one of them cried too.
we exchanged numbers before i left.
they said they liked my energy.
i hope to see them again.
mr. big wolf said something to me as he dropped me off.

“jamari.
you can’t let this,
life,
bring you down.

just by what you have been telling me about your life thus far,
you are coming off bitter.
you have too much potential boo.
you let shit bring you down that you expect the worst.
you are not the person i first met years ago.
i don’t know who this person is.”

tumblr_inline_mn7tdmSQI71qz4rgpbusted.
i couldn’t argue.
it was true.
hell i didn’t know who i was.
i had to ask myself if that’s how i been coming off?
lawd.
i let all these random things/situations put me down.
had me questioning what was my point?
i just don’t know where to start.
how to even change this negative self talk i do.
“you need to start thinking insanely positive now.
he is gone and isn’t there to help you up.
i’ll be there as much as i can,
but you gotta change.”

that’s what he said before i got out.
my “rock” is gone.
i have to do this alone now.
no one to call when things get rough.
no one to ask “lifesyle” questions.
it’s just me.
i was ready to run away from here,
but why?
you can’t run from your demons forever.
a new outlook is in the works.

i’m ready for it.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

7 thoughts on “Move It, Lose It, Or Just Fuckin’ Die.

  1. Mr. Big Wolf was right about what he told you. You have to keep your mind positive and move on from this. Some people on here have said that it is best to grieve and let it all out, but it is not always healthy. It is a such thing as grieving too much. Think for a second, it’s some people grieving over stuff that happened ten years ago and that is an issue. Yes you will have one of “those days” every now and then, but one of “those days” should not come around everyday or every other day.

    1. ^when he said that i’m not the person he first met,
      that sat with me all weekend.
      i’m not.
      that alone requires a change.
      he says he is willing to help me like he did star fox.
      i’m going to accept his help.

  2. I agree with you, J. Fox. Accept the help and also get to know one or two of the friends and that might help. Yes, thinking positive is all you have in any life, gay or straight. It is the only thing that makes you and without it, it will break you. Be encouraged.

  3. Hi Jamari!
    I’ve been a dedicated reader for years now and I’ve always been a little afraid to comment. Even though I’m a straight black female, I can relate to a lot of the stuff you’ve written about, especially recently. To see a real person going through the ups and downs in life just like I am is so comforting. You’ve inspired me and shown me its okay to hurt, but eventually you have to pick yourself up and do what makes you happy. For all that, I want to thank you for helping me through one of the toughest 6 months of my life.

  4. So, what I’m always taking away is you’re honestly feeling guilty about wanting to fuck Star’s ex. Is that it? Keep it 100%, J.

    Every post related to the Ex, there is ALWAYS always talk about sex. Whether you *think* he’s coming on to you, you having inappropriate dreams or thoughts about him, etc etc.

    I’d say I’m sorry for your lost but I’m not sure if you’re really hurting. Before I leave this point, it really doesn’t matter what I think because *drumroll* it’s your life.

    But you’ve allowed us a glimpse in so I’m commenting. Lol

    Anyways….

    Actions speak louder than words. And I mean no disrespect by this but YOU should go back and read your post since the mentioning of his death.

    Who really thinks about fucking their dead best friend’s man? Who’s been freshly placed in the grave, mind you? To me, it speaks volumes of your character and says something about your lifestyle, especially since it’s one you seem to try to avoid (being stereotypical).

    I’m sure some of your regular readers are going to come at me *Flame suit on* but there is an underlying issue here that needs to be addressed.

    Best of luck to you on refocusing your attention to your life–goals, dreams, ambitions, and honoring that of your lost BFF, “Star Fox”.

    R.I.P. to the fallen.

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