i always tell people that when a loved one dies,
your spirit will always remind you.
there are some years you may forget but on birthdays,
or death anniversaries,
you’ll suddenly remember out of nowhere.

“ooooh,
this is why i’ve been feeling so moody.
it’s “such and such” death anniversary…”

some years,
you’ll keep it moving because you are in a good headspace.
when you are going through a lot,
the sadness feels heavier even though it’s years or decades.

love never dies even if their physical isn’t there anymore.

as you know,
i’m dealing with a lot in this new chapter.
i’m grateful for everyone who reaches out to uplift and check in.
every year,
like clockwork around memorial day…

when you share a deep and profound connection with someone,
it’s like your souls are intertwined forever.
you feel each other even when you’re miles apart or not speaking anymore.
when you think of someone and they reach out to you out the blue,
they were on the same spiritual wave as you.
even when someone randomly crosses your mind and you get stupid horny.
they were thinking of you sexually,
or thinking of you while they were having sex with someone else.
they call that remote seduction.

I believe that’s called a soul tie.

even when they’re no longer with us in the physical realm,
the connection remains,
although in a different form.

amidst all the chaos in my life,
i’ve been grappling with a deep and unexplained sadness.
sure,
it’s partly due to feeling overwhelmed and just done with it all,
but there was something more that i couldn’t explain.

And then it hit me like a ton of breaks…

you wanna know who taught me how to keep secrets?

Star Fox’s parentals but mainly his father.

he was the first person who taught me to move in silence in a room full of jackals.
not only that,
he taught me that he couldn’t keep my secrets either.
i learned to be grateful for making me the stealthy fox i am today.

when star fox first saw me,
he always said that i was going to be his friend.
not only that,
we came out to each other.
one day,
being young and gay af,
we went to old navy and bought matching shirts and the bag that came with it.
i know but we were best friends.
he didn’t care how gay it looked and honestly,
i didn’t either.
we found a way to finally be comfortable in our skin with each other.
i’ll never forget when his father saw it…

“I’m about to cook,
but Ill call you later,
Big Brother.”

on the 27th,
back in 2013,
those were the last words i ever heard star fox say to me…

Continue reading “this is the day star fox died (and a part of me died as well)” →

happy birthday.
i woke up today feeling really calm.
that hasn’t been the case most mornings,
i’ll be honest.
it’s been anxiety city for whatever reason.
a foxholer mentioned you to me yesterday…

Continue reading “happy birthday to my one” →

as i watch “insecure” this season,
i totally get where issa and molly are coming from.
there was a point in star fox and i friendship where i said:

“I’m not fuckin’ with Star Fox anymore…”

i remember when we had our first official fight.
it was a big one after he left to go down to atlanta for school.

low-key: sometimes i wish he would have picked the high paying job,
but i knew he was restless and wanted to pursue his dreams.

anyway,
it was a few months into when he arrived down south…

Continue reading “that season that i wasn’t f*ckin with star fox anymore” →