happy birthday to my one

happy birthday.
i woke up today feeling really calm.
that hasn’t been the case most mornings,
i’ll be honest.
it’s been anxiety city for whatever reason.
a foxholer mentioned you to me yesterday…

“Remember his teachings”

dead ass,
it stopped me in my tracks.
brandy has been in my radar a lot these last few days too.
i know how much you loved brandy.
remember that time you were in the bath,
you told me you had candles lit,
and you were listening to her “afrodisiac” album?
you were missing your twin flame.
the one that was drawn to you and you didn’t hear from in years.
it must have been something spiritual because he hit you up a week later.
that’s what i remember the most about you.
we had amazing times in these forests,
but your faith was unshakeable.
i don’t know if it’s because you grew up in such a christian household,
but your prayer game was undeniable.
your ability to remain calm in all your storms was inspiring.

speaking of storms,
remember when you went to jail?
you were off running with the wrong crowd,
doing the wrong shit,
and i hadn’t heard from you in two weeks.
i figured you met new friends and was living your best life in that new state.
you called me and told me that you got locked up.
you told me how you waited in the back of a police van for hours.
you said while you were locked up,
you sung songs that same brandy album and recited different parts of the bible.
it was that or you read the bible to keep you calm in that storm.
i remember crying because i couldn’t believe what i was hearing.

I thought about you.
How much I have disappointed my big brother…

even though we were platonic af best friends,
you were my brother.
you were the first person i came out to and vice versa.
remember how it happened?
sitting in front of the church of all places.
i forgot how it was said,
but i know you were like:

“So I want to let you know that I like dudes.”

in which i responded:

“Guess what?
Me too!”

…and it was off to the races after that.
never in a million years would i ever think you wouldn’t be here today.
i hate knowing our last phone call was you,
going off to bbq on memorial day weekend,
for the hyenas and jackals who may have been responsible for your death.
the ones who stole all your shit before your body was in the morgue.
i hate them.
i hate that they took you from me.
i hate your family just moved on and didn’t fight for you.
i hate you don’t even have a proper headstone on where you are laid to rest.

i miss you so much star fox,
but i know that you’re around me.
at times,
i can feel your energy when i’m going through a lot.
when i’m feeling calm af,
that’s when i know you’re around.
i hope you are having an amazing birthday today in heaven.
i love you always,
day 1.
rest in power.

j

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

9 thoughts on “happy birthday to my one

      1. ^andy can you do me a fav?

        can you go back under your original screen name you cam on here with?
        that character was cool and i liked their comments.
        this new character you created is sort of a downer and he is sooooooo “one trick pony”.
        for your eyes only xoxo.

      2. You have extreme mental illness. You were saying you were cool when he posted something you sent in. Jamari, he should be shadow banned. Let him post but nobody sees it. It takes a special kind of evil….

        1. ^honestly,
          i was getting annoyed at first,
          but i felt sorry for him after i realized what was happening with the IP addresses.
          i don’t know what caused him to go from one screen name to then become this “andy” character.
          i never said anything to him and honestly,
          he always had pleasant things to say and i fucked with him commentary.
          you even agreed and liked his past comments.

          clearly he has had a psychotic break and doesn’t have the proper channels for his misdirected anger.
          the rona is revealing many with severe mental illness and i get it.

          he has posted much more and it’s the same comments over and over.
          some folks you gotta pray for and leave them be.

  1. As scientific as I am, life IS a system. Everything we see was from humans and animals and plants who came before, died, decomposed, turned back to the basic chemicals and minerals from whence they came and provide for future life. The water we drink once nourished a plant. The coal we used to power our lives was once a dinosaur. The fruit we eat was once energy from the sun that traveled light years to power a plant that made fruit to increase the likelihood of its seeds being spread. Energy does not leave the system. It simply changes form. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise <3

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