i woke up today feeling really calm.
that hasn’t been the case most mornings,
i’ll be honest.
it’s been anxiety city for whatever reason.
a foxholer mentioned you to me yesterday…
“Remember his teachings”
it stopped me in my tracks.
brandy has been in my radar a lot these last few days too.
i know how much you loved brandy.
remember that time you were in the bath,
you told me you had candles lit,
and you were listening to her “afrodisiac” album?
you were missing your twin flame.
the one that was drawn to you and you didn’t hear from in years.
it must have been something spiritual because he hit you up a week later.
that’s what i remember the most about you.
we had amazing times in these forests,
but your faith was unshakeable.
i don’t know if it’s because you grew up in such a christian household,
but your prayer game was undeniable.
your ability to remain calm in all your storms was inspiring.
speaking of storms,
remember when you went to jail?
you were off running with the wrong crowd,
doing the wrong shit,
and i hadn’t heard from you in two weeks.
i figured you met new friends and was living your best life in that new state.
you called me and told me that you got locked up.
you told me how you waited in the back of a police van for hours.
you said while you were locked up,
you sung songs that same brandy album and recited different parts of the bible.
it was that or you read the bible to keep you calm in that storm.
i remember crying because i couldn’t believe what i was hearing.
“I thought about you.
How much I have disappointed my big brother…“
even though we were platonic af best friends,
you were my brother.
you were the first person i came out to and vice versa.
remember how it happened?
sitting in front of the church of all places.
i forgot how it was said,
but i know you were like:
“So I want to let you know that I like dudes.”
in which i responded:
…and it was off to the races after that.
never in a million years would i ever think you wouldn’t be here today.
i hate knowing our last phone call was you,
going off to bbq on memorial day weekend,
for the hyenas and jackals who may have been responsible for your death.
the ones who stole all your shit before your body was in the morgue.
i hate them.
i hate that they took you from me.
i hate your family just moved on and didn’t fight for you.
i hate you don’t even have a proper headstone on where you are laid to rest.
i miss you so much star fox,
but i know that you’re around me.
i can feel your energy when i’m going through a lot.
when i’m feeling calm af,
that’s when i know you’re around.
i hope you are having an amazing birthday today in heaven.
i love you always,
rest in power.