so last night,
i decided to indulge in a bedtime story.
it would be told from my crush i wrote about yesterday,
kiing law.
“obie”,
as he was introduced to me.
when i met him,
i thought he was straight.
i may be in severely “deep like” with you,
but i’m respectful of potential boundaries.
plus,
i’m shy and i’m not with the “hittin on random males” shits.
anyway,
what i ended up reading was a powerful story of his coming out.
he wrote it on his own blog and i wanted to share a snippet for the foxhole…

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I have to say, writing this is one of the most daring things I’ve ever did in my life:  Since I was young I knew I was different from others, internally something was oddly unique according to society standards. All throughout Public school and high school I struggled with who I was, what was my purpose. After many years I have finally come to grips with being the person I was meant to be vs what I felt I should be. At the age of 32 I can proudly state that I am in fact a Hardworking, driven homosexual Black Male and finally cool with saying it aloud. Growing up being homosexual was a means of disgust and dishonor within certain cultures & families. Psychological torment plagued me, depression kicked in more times than I can count and sadly unknown too many friends and family taken my own life was a factor several times. (Knowing I would go to HELL stopped me every time. The Fear of GOD)  

​In black and urban culture being homosexual and masculine don’t go together by society’s ideals. It’s also a problem for many If they cannot place you in a category of some sought so that they can identify you and tag you like livestock. Terms like “You’re a waste of a man” is commonly spoken on behalf of females that find out your gay and they have an attraction towards you. I have found myself playing the role of seeming interested but never really feeding into it. Would never give my number to a female that liked me and or would tell her that I am not in a relationship but me and my ex was trying to work things out. Anyone that knows me, knows how much I hate to lie especially when matters of the heart are involved. Commonly for this lifestyle, heterosexual men and women throw around terms such as DL if you appear masculine and they find out you messing with the same sex. It doesn’t matter whether or not you messing with both or just male; if you appear to be masculine then your automatically classified as DL.  The Phrase “DOWN LOW” carries a harsh undertone. DL signifies you are dating a female and sleeping with a man at the same time and in some cases this is true but not with all. I blame Reality TV such as Love and Hip Hop which showcases the negativity in the urban gay community for ratings. I blame TV for ONLY portraying black flamboyant homosexuals or Down Low confused characters. Thus perpetuating and giving room for heterosexuals to continue using negativity towards us. I am and have always been naturally a private person so it goes without saying that the way I choose to move in life I do discreetly. I choose discreet which means I enjoy being me, I hang with my friends and I go out to clubs from time to time but I don’t have to promote a specific agenda of being Gay! again I am me, Who just so happens to be Gay but most will never get to know that part of me  because they are more concern with WHY I am gay vs why I am a cool, Caring person. Yes, Gay (Sexually attracted to someone of the same sex) Not Bi. I am a black educated male who wants the best for many along with myself no matter color, religion or sexual preference.

What I am about to say may come as a shock to some but I have never slept with any females certainly not because I couldn’t but because I never wanted to. My first sexual experience was at the age of 22, (Virgin until 22) by that time I was grown enough to know what I wanted so that I didn’t have to play both sides of the fence.  

after reading his confessional,
i saw a lot of myself within his words.
it was almost like i reading my own life,
but through someone else.
it was very eye opening and touching read.
one of the things i loved that he shared is his privacy.
that is all i know of him and that is such a turn on to me.
in a social media world of attentionistos,
and those who have that “look” he does,
everyone knows everything about you.
i love that i don’t know anything about him besides what he tells us.
well law,
i hope to learn more one day.
i think it’ll be fun to bounce life stories off each other.
check out the rest of law’s entry:

x HERE