when we move from chaos to much safer ground,
for many of us,
it can leave us still in “fight or flight” mode.
we start scanning for danger when nothing is happening.
it can actually make you feel really fuckin’ nuts.
that is how i’ve been lately…

feeling pretty fuckin’ nuts.

my mind has been in a silent war.
one side is feeling happy and joyful; another side is trying to override that with panic.
for the last few years,
i was really struggling to keep it together.
God did a shake up to bring me where i am now,
but i can’t help feeling like there is a “GOTCHA BITCH!” moment waiting in the wings.
in the past:

looking desperately for a job; got the job and it didn’t last
looking desperately for a wolf; met the wolf and he turned out to be an asshlole
looking desperately for friends; found OPPS instead of genuine connections

…but maybe that is the major difference with this situation?
many of those situations came from when i was in desperate places.
this current situation happened because it ended up happening randomly.
i was offered the opportunity to move here,
rather than having to beg.

if you would have told me last year around this time i’d be here,
i would have laughed in your face.

i guess we need to always remind ourselves:

many situations that happens naturally always tends to work out.

i don’t know if things will work out,
but speed running disaster in my mind isn’t helping either.
i remember one time i was preparing for danger with something that wasn’t happening.
my mind had already convinced me to get prepared for battle,
even though nothing even popped off yet.
a friend at the time stopped me and said:

“if something goes down,
we will handle it then.
right now,
nothing is happening so relax.”

…and that made me feel so calm in that moment.

the wild part is nothing ended up happening.

going with the flow has always been hard for me because of how i grew up,
but i had to wonder if expecting something negative actually does bring negative?
so many times i have gone left in my mind and looked like a fool.
maybe that is the law of attraction and manifestation?

we are attracting all the horrible shit because we are thinking about all the horrible shit?

…and if the horrible shit does go down,
we will handle it like we always do.