Posted in A LIL TASTE OF JAMARI, LIVIN' THIS LIFE WE LIVE, THE MENTAL HEALTH MUSINGS

while you were sleeping, i was dealing with rejection

   Published Date: December 12, 2022  2 Comments on while you were sleeping, i was dealing with rejection

the fear of rejection.

this morning at around 4 am,
while i was up due to anxiety,
i asked myself:

“Why are you scared of rejection?”

…because tbh,
the facts are,
my whole life has been constant rejection…

I’ve been rejected by people who I thought were my friends
I have been rejected by wolves I was really into
I got rejected by jobs I really wanted
I got rejected after I got the job I hoped to have being a temp
I came into this blogging world and got rejected by many celebrities
I got rejected by some of the cool kid gay community

…so for someone who faced a life of rejection,
even by some of my own community when i launched a patreon…

Why was I so scared to put myself out there?
Why was I so scared to show the world who I am?
Why was I so scared to be me?

was it because i’m gay?
well,
people always thought i was gay.
was it because of people and who i am?
well,
folks have seen me on tmz.
was it because people in my real life will judge me?
well,
many of them don’t support me so they don’t matter.

shouldn’t i be proud of who i am and what i have created?
shouldn’t i be happy i did something after being rejected so much?
i have amazing people in my life who support me.
the ones that are proud of my smallest wins.
no cap but…
i’m better than the folks in my real life that i craved their acceptance.

so…

What’s going on Jamari?

and if you feel like you are scared of rejection,
maybe you need to do some soul-searching yourself.

2 thoughts on “while you were sleeping, i was dealing with rejection”

  1. Jamari 🦊
    Our body clock and cycle is similar. I have a performance coming up in a few days in the midst of local big whigs. As well or good as people say I am, I am always ambivalent before a audience, it stems directly from rejection. Feeling self conscious at the sound of my speaking voice, my walk, the works.
    I will throw my soul, spirit, body into rehearsal and it will be fun, but there is still reticence. We have been rejected on every front: vis a vis, family, friends, strangers colleagues.
    Sometimes the weight descends like a flood, it gets us wet, but we will not drown in the onslaught.

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