the fear of rejection.

this morning at around 4 am,
while i was up due to anxiety,
i asked myself:

“Why are you scared of rejection?”

…because tbh,
the facts are,
my whole life has been constant rejection…

I’ve been rejected by people who I thought were my friends
I have been rejected by wolves I was really into
I got rejected by jobs I really wanted
I got rejected after I got the job I hoped to have being a temp
I came into this blogging world and got rejected by many celebrities
I got rejected by some of the cool kid gay community

…so for someone who faced a life of rejection,
even by some of my own community when i launched a patreon…

Why was I so scared to put myself out there?
Why was I so scared to show the world who I am?
Why was I so scared to be me?

was it because i’m gay?
well,
people always thought i was gay.
was it because of people and who i am?
well,
folks have seen me on tmz.
was it because people in my real life will judge me?
well,
many of them don’t support me so they don’t matter.

shouldn’t i be proud of who i am and what i have created?
shouldn’t i be happy i did something after being rejected so much?
i have amazing people in my life who support me.
the ones that are proud of my smallest wins.
no cap but…
i’m better than the folks in my real life that i craved their acceptance.

so…

What’s going on Jamari?

and if you feel like you are scared of rejection,
maybe you need to do some soul-searching yourself.