You Aren’t Anyone Until You’ve Commited Suicide

leetyi’ve been reading various websites about lee thompson young today.
funny how death will make you learn so much about someone’s life.
well they are saying he may have killed himself due to depression.
it’s funny how now he is dead,
he didn’t realize how much people cared about him.
strangers who followed his career and watched his shows.
people he knew that remember all the joy he brought in their lives.
i haven’t read a bad comment about him yet.
“he looked so together!
he was good looking,
was a good actor,
had a steady job,
and had many accolades in his life.”
yeah.
those are the ones who fool you boo…


when i was holding on to the knife,
blood dropping on my living room floor.
my mother was looking at me with this look i will never forget.
it was a look of suspended terror.
it was then followed by confusion, hurt, and sadness.
my father wasn’t home so i knew i would get the sequel when he walked in the door.
that was my first suicide attempt when i was like sixteen.
i remember being so depressed at that time.
i had everything i ever wanted or could need,
but none of it mattered.
i wanted to kill all the demons i had inside.
i felt so alone even though i had so many people around me.
my parents immediately put me in therapy after.
it helped a little and they put me on medication that was a bitch to get off.

i struggled with depression through my teenage years/young adult life.
when they died,
that’s when i had to get my shit together.
i had to grow up fast and learn to be a man.
it was hard at first,
but i managed to prove i could make it on my own.
still learning.
i was then lucky enough to meet star fox.
he was my rock.
i was able to talk to him about my issues.
he never judged me.
he always listened to what i said to say.
after he passed away two months ago i was ready to kill myself.
i had the day picked out and everything.
the thought of going through life without him was unbearable.
if it wasn’t for this blog,
i would’ve done it.
so i been where lee is and i know what its like.

when you’re depressed like that,
you often feel like no one is there.
you look around and you see all these happy people everywhere.
they have all these “great” people around them.
living these amazing lives and doing these amazing things.
“whats wrong with me?”
“am i not doing something right?”
not realizing 99& of these same people are full of shit.
yup it’s called “image”.
now that social media can make a basic person look like a “messiah”,
people have lost their minds in trying to be:

“@_______ the great… online”

so to the depressed person,
they spend a majority of their time alone.
working on themselves and trying to make a better life.
the life of happiness that they see in their head.
the fucked up part is that when a person actually kills themselves,
it’s too late for them to realize they were actually appreciated.
people are so about self that they don’t see when someone else is hurting.

like i said,
i won’t judge him or anyone who goes through with it.
i will judge when you do it for attention.
not everyone makes it through their demons.
everyone has a cross to bear.
some heavier than others.
people will try to look down on him.
talk about how he was selfish.
“didn’t he realize so many people loved him?”
that’s where the ironic part comes in.
did they appreciate him while he was here?
nope.
they probably didn’t until he was wrapped up in a body bag.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

7 thoughts on “You Aren’t Anyone Until You’ve Commited Suicide

  1. reading this touched my heart because i too was once in that deep dark place. as a teenager i thought about killing myself many times and i tried twice. Thank God I didn’t succeed. I know what it is like to be there. That is why I am always willing to be an ear to anyone and a shoulder to cry on because I never had that. It hurts my heart to see people killing themselves especially young people. I pray every night for those struggling with those demons. So glad you got through your situation Jamari. May God bless his soul.

  2. Its hard for me to wrap my mind around this young man death. I wasnt really familiar with him. I have seen him on his last TV show, but that was only because they play TNT at the gym and the show always seemed to be own when I was in there. I also wondered who this good looking dude was but never took the time to find out, never realized he was a child star for Disney. I have heard some shocking things about what those kids went through, and I mean sick and disgustingly shocking, so I dont know if some of those things may have played a part in something that happened to him at a younger age, that he never got over. Looking at this picture you posted, and looking at his eyes, I get a eerie feeling, I really cant explain it, like you can see some type of pain. Whatever the case, I hope his soul is at peace in the universe.

  3. This was a very touching post because there are lots of people like him, i.e. nice looking, lots of accolades, steady job, and stable appearance, that are actually suffering inside. Depression is real and people need to be aware that those dealing with depression, need as much support and love as possible. Glad you are taking control of your life in spite of everything; stay strong.

  4. I will admit that I have contemplated suicide but never attempted.Mainly because I’m too much of wuss.Back when I was in middle school/high school, I wanted to kill myself because my home life was not great at all.Then I had to go to school and deal with bullies and teasing.I thought about hanging myself but I didn’t want to die slowly.If I was going to do it, I wanted it to be quick.I believe that had I got a gun I would’ve went through with it.I remember years ago on New Years Eve, I was at my Uncle’s house and he had a gun to shoot off for the New Year, I was pissed that he had a gun and I didn’t know about it because I would’ve stole it and shot myself.He only had 3 bullets but I remember thinking “all I needed was one.”I kind of had murder rampage thoughts of bringing a gun to school to kill my bullies/tormentors.

    At some point, I got better and realized that I could never take another human’s life but I really didn’t care for my own.I still suffer from depression, every now and then it just hits me.It’s kind of weird, a few months ago, this sudden feeling would come over me and I just felt like dropping dead at that moment.It was weird because even though I suffer from depression, I had never had something like that happen to me, even when I contemplated suicide.I prayed about it and I haven’t had that happen to me since.It only happened twice, the first time was so scary because I was thinking “Why do I feel so gloomy all of sudden, I was fine a few seconds ago.”

    When I first started commenting on this site, I used to purposely say mean things to try and piss you guys off, so you’d feel as bad/sad and down as I felt.I’m sorry if I did hurt any of you guy’s feelings because I didn’t mean it.

    Lee killing himself kind of had me down because not only did I have a crush on him but the characters he played were like me, a normal black dude.I’m not ghetto and I’m not uppity.I like seeing normal/non-stereotypical black dudes portrayed on TV.

    I’ve lasted this long because I feel like God has a plan for me and that my life will get better.I honestly think I’ll die when I’m in my 90’s as an old great+ grandpa.I feel like my mind has been trying to fight against that belief but I felt it was sort of a premonition.The premonition was actually me dying soon after my 100th birthday, but who would want to live that long, it sounds like torture because I’m so unhappy now.I’m like “damn, you mean I have to put up with life for 75 more years, ugh…”

    I’m also holding out for that special guy to be my medicine.

    1. Damn Chase.That first paragraph was too real. You must have been in a dark place for a long time. I remember those comments you used to leave. I’m happy you changed your tune, that shows growth.

  5. wonderful wonderful piece Jamari…you hit the nail on the head. the only virtue mankind pays to suicide is hypocrisy.

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