“Yes” Never Felt So Bad

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“YES!”

work wolf said yes!
i didn’t know whether to sit or stand.
i literally felt weak in the knees.
well i knew how i was going to respond

so work wolf admitted he said what he said.
the vixen,
who will now call “nightly”,
was right.
when nightly told me,
i knew in my foxy senses he said it.
after some recent incidents where he got caught up.
mostly with him telling lies and stories.
about vixens,
of course.

tumblr_mdjnqpKl1Q1qaf90uo8_r2_250i don’t know why he did it,
but i started to peg him as a liar.

i called him saturday and told him i heard what he said.
he told me he said it.
liar liar wasn’t involved in any schemes.
she just happened to be there when he said it.
nightly was actually trying to chill with both of us.
thats why she was also there.
according to work wolf,
he said it because people have been talking about us.

“you’re always around.
we are always leaving together.
people been whispering.
you are my first gay friend so i don’t know how to handle this.”

hell a majority of the times,
it was him insinuating i come around.
he admitted he did.
he said he liked when it was just “us” and no one was in our business.
in the end,
he really had no explanation for his behavior.
he knew nightly would tell me which is why he said it in front of her.
he didn’t know how to tell me.
he didn’t want to hurt me.

tumblr_l6kogp2FBj1qa7o5bum.
too late.
i told him it hurt me when he said it.

“i’m sorry jamari.
i really am.
i fucked up with you bad.”

we both ended the call with us kind of in the air.
i think i’m over him tho.
no amount of “i’m sorry” can justify what he did to me.
i’m not mad.
i just feel…
used or something.
i stayed in the bed the rest of the weekend.
got up to eat,
wash my tail,
and quickly went back to bed.
i didn’t cry.
i was kinda just numb.
i did do a lot of praying tho.
the comments in the last entry…
some of them felt made me feel like i couldn’t breathe.
like i was claustrophobic within my own skin.
like i was the only one in the world who fell for someone like this.

yes.
thats right.
jamari fox liked the straight wolf.
me.
this fox.
right here.
no one else in this life has ever fell for one.
everyone is in happy relationships.
some are engaged.
the rest are married with a couple cubs.
i’m the dumbass.

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…happy?

tumblr_m32trnW4eX1qaf90uo8_r1_250should i send it in a newsletter?
i stopped reading after a while.
if i was super sensitive,
i would have went up to the roof.
this email from one of my close foxholers summed it up:

“You’re so fucking brave. I can’t even take my parent’s overbearing nature and you have 100 comments from overbearing people telling you what you did wrong and what you need to do. I couldn’t do it!”

i did feel like i was being ganged up on.
i’ll be honest.
is that too honest?

there was no texting or calling today.
i didn’t really see him.
i didn’t expect to see him.
i didn’t care if i saw him.
i hate how he made me feel tho.

Fox, from the series At Rest

…like road kill.

lowkey: i got everyone’s emails.
 i needed some time.
thanks for understanding.
well reply back to each one soon.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

49 thoughts on ““Yes” Never Felt So Bad

  1. So glad that you are okay I assumed the worse. The Man was totally right that you just needed a few days to cool off. Forget work wolf I think you need to continue to keep him at a distance, and like I told you before get your butt in the gym Jamari not only for possibly meeting somebody but for your health and mind. Working out relieves so much stress off of me and it might sound vain, but it’s nice looking in the mirror and seeing your body change.

    1. ^thank you eric.
      no i’m okay.
      still feeling a little down,
      but i’m making it.
      i’m actually saving some money up for a trainer.

      thank you for your concern.
      i really appreciate it.

  2. Love you so much take time to get your head right, and your heart will follow , God has your best wishes at heart, love is the gift you have because your blog has saved so many people me too, I have been blessed by your blog ,let ww go on his way and work on you this life is crazy and some people fall for what others think so be glad you now the truth and deal with the truth you will smile again,you will also love again. Be blessed I loveeeeeeee you smooches all to Jesus

  3. Glad to hear from you! Also, don’t be so hard on yourself. I doubt you’re the only one who has dealt with a wolf like this…but you are courageous enough to open up about it all. Learn from this situation and do what is best for YOU!
    I wish u well Jamari!😀

  4. I ‘m glad you were able to take time out for yourself to just be. After what happened and the comments I was fearing it was getting to be too much for you. It’s a little sad that he couldn’t come tell you himself what happen instead of saying it knowing it would reach back to you. Friends know how when they’ve made a misstep and normally take up for their actions, but him letting this nightly who is an acquaintance tell you is kind of below the belt. I pray you get the answers you are looking for! Keep your head up J!

  5. Keep your head up, and everything will work out fine. WW may be in your life for a season or a reason, just take what you have learned from this situation and funnel it to something positive. If you guys are meant to be friends or more, it will eventually play itself out. Wishing you nothing but the best!

  6. Move on Jamari. There are PLENTY of gay wolves looking for a fox. You do the most when it comes to this guy. Either tell him how you feel or keep it moving

    1. ^and fly,
      there are PLENTY of gays who do the most with any guy.
      i have gotten plenty of emails about “doing the most gays”.
      gays or straights,
      when you find someone who peaks your interest,
      you may “end up doing the most”.
      i’m not going to feel like i’m a leper.
      its an experience and i learned some lessons.

      i can’t say the most for others.

    2. There is a part of me that feels you should tell him how you felt about him.not for to free yourself and then you can truly move on. But I can hear him saying “I know”… you will be amazed at who you attract when you put all of your focus on you. Its not about gettin a man but when you ficus on you and your goals you feel amazing and you will attract amazing and worthy people. We’ve all fallen for someone who didn’t feel the same way. But when you do you…the right people will want to do you as well..lol

      1. ^after that mess last week,
        i don’t really care anymore.
        if he says “yes”,
        i don’t want to date him.
        he got way too much going on for my good stuff.
        i’m content with friendship if i allow it in the future.

    3. Totally agree ith you Flyfoxx, Jamari needs to go out and meets guys even if it’s not for date. i can’t believe he lives in NYC and always acts as that WW is the only man in that city. Ilove you Jamari but enough is enough sorry i had to get it out of my chest!!!!

      1. You and me are on the same page. I’m sorry I can’t be more sympathetic. I think as a gay man we have all been in this situation. But for Jamari to let this guy have him depressed ALL weekend bcuz of some bs that he said is not good. Work wolf doesn’t owe you anything. He is your friend and not your boyfriend. If anything this shows you who he is.

        Jamari you really need to get out and find some more friends or a network of people to uplift you. I know you have some trust issues after losing star fox but you REALLY need some good people in your life. You have made this ONE guy your world.You need some niggas thats gone hold you down or buy a drink at the bar to get over his ass. I think we need to do a foxhole meet & greet in NYC. Let’s all meet at a bar and turn up

  7. Glad youre okay. Atleast he admitted it. He’s confused but jamari. Needs to focus on jamari anyone worth allowing in your life will wait and follow along with you. Keep the fire in Phoenix burning man. You have a destiny that will be fulfilled and the right people will be there regardless. Try to shake it off and let what will be…be.

    1. ^thank you tony.
      i appreciate the kind words.
      i love this line:

      “Needs to focus on jamari anyone worth allowing in your life will wait and follow along with you.”

      powerful.

      1. It’s true. You seem like an awesome dude… what you truly seek will come when you are truly ready and when you are in a point in your life when you are where you want to be in life. Some of my best moments in life were when I dated ME. I went where I wantes..when I wanted and life was and is awesome. Unpack your own baggage before you are ready to help someone carry their baggage

      2. ^thank you.

        according to someone in the last comment,
        i “turned people off”.
        well if i am able to turn people off because i can recognize i’m not perfect,
        all while laying my cards on the table,
        then i wouldn’t want those people i turned off.
        those types are turned on by attentionistos.
        the ones who are scared to show themselves.

        this is who i am.
        #nofuckstogive

      3. #fuckem. You only turn off people who shouldn’t be around you to begin with. There are hundreds of billions of people in this world and I’ll be dammed if one of em can control my happiness. On to the next one

  8. I’m in a very similar situation J. I think these kind of st8 wolves GET OFF on knowing we like them and lust over them. They ARE using us to flush out some pinned up curiosity that buried deep inside them. Shit goes LEFT when these “Got Ems” catch on to “something” that is peculiar. “Got Ems” are the messy, nosy, thirsty hoes that wish they could have us “put together” type foxes AND of course they’d like a roll in the hay with our wolves. They play on our wolves’ insecurities and we always end up flat on our face. It’s tough when you KNOW you have a connection with a st8 wolf but everything/everyone around won’t allow you all to fully pursue the depths of said connection. In these cases, we must keep it moving in life, DATE OTHER FINE ASS WOLVES IN FRONT OF THE ST8 WOLVES, and let the chips fall where they may. Obsession causes depression. Let him know you REALLY DO have options. He’ll either step up or stay a good friend. He’ll never stop being curious about you though. The ball is in YOUR court. Dribble and shoot! #gameOVER

    1. ^okay that comment woke up something inside me.

      with every experience,
      i don’t get bitter.
      i get better.
      everyone plays the fool sometime.
      god knows my heart was clean.
      i shall be rewarded soon.

      thanks for the comment o!

  9. Thankfully he was honest as much as he was. But you knew the answer before he even said it which says a lot about your instincts. You are not the only one J…I’m going through the same thing and I’m about to tell my work boo that im gay and if it ends our 2 year friendship then so be it. WW isn’t strong enough for the type of friendship that you have presented at his feet. And that’s unfortunate for him because he’s missing out on a wonderful thing. –YOU!! I don’t doubt for one second that once he leaves the job he will be back at your door. The question is; Will you open the door? Time and space heals all wounds. Sincerely ME

    1. ^thanks zeus.

      i don’t know what the future will hold,
      but as of right now,
      i’m okay with where i’m at with him.
      i allowed my feelings for ww to emotionally drain me.
      he came in my life for me to teach me something about myself.

  10. I’m just glad you’re okay buddy!
    Regardless of what happens, I believe in you, and support whatever decision you make! 🙂
    (Yeah that comment section was a battle-zone LOL)

      1. Honestly, if it can help you in any way then I feel I’ve accomplished what I want in my comments.

        I read all the comments too and even if I didn’t agree, or was on an opposing side, the people who drop comments in here are seriously intelligent, both major viewpoints had valid points to make. I actually learned some things. It got redundant after a while though lol…you are quite the blogger to incite such a major reaction! LOL! I know it must have been overwhelming.
        What must be, will be.

  11. Jamari, YOU ARE NOT THE ONE WITH THE PROBLEM! If he has an issue that is all on him! If he cares about “what people think”- lets see how far he gets in life! I feel one of the benefits of being gay is the power we have/ must have to “DECIDE WHO DESERVES TO BE IN OUR LIVES”.

    HE WILL BE BACK! However you need to let him know that LOYALTY comes in different shapes and packages. You need not be understanding about “how he must feel” – You are a “human and a man”, first foremost before being a “gay man”. His work collelegues will not be around forever judging but a GOOD FRIEND AND PERSON such as yourself will be.

    We must decide in 2015 and all the time- who, how and where we are going and evolving to.

  12. At the end of the day you were a good, true friend. You did nothing wrong. You gave him positive energy. You were your true self. You had no control over what energy he would send back at you. You can hold your head up high and sleep well at night knowing that you are not the one at fault here. Opinions are a dime a dozen. If you are depressed it should be over how you were treated not because you did anything improper becasue you didn’t.

  13. I stayed away from commenting because i know you were hurt so i didnt want to come down on you. I knew nightly wasn’t lying. Ill tell you again you are not in this alone. You know work wolf has done things that str8 wolves dont do. The people who are talking are talking about both of yall, not just you. They see yall interaction and that takes two. Idk if you should put yourself iut there as far as how you feel but you def can ask him. You can ask him if he is nervous because he actually has feelings for you. If he says yes then you can lsy your cards out, if he ssys no then tell him what ither people think shouldn’t matter, and actually didn’t he say that to you before. I think this is the perfect time for you to get all the info you need to do want you need to do. Jamari it will give you closure even if you decide to end the friendship because truth be told you will always wonder what if.

    At the end of the day I hope all goes well for you.

  14. J! I was worried, honestly. Almost like waiting for someone to get home at a certain time & they don’t show; you begin to question & panic. But it’s good to see you’re confronting & getting to the bottom of it, straight from the source. Forget the haters with all the “tough love” telling you how you were moving was wrong & “bound to happen” and all them “told you so’s”.

    I remember reading a story on Humans of NY’s IG profile & this man was talking about how being selfish with yourself is the only way to get ahead, as shameful as it sounds. Be selfish with you, J. Love on yourself some…

  15. Well I am glad you called him to get clarification on what happened.Like I said I have no issue with you ending the relationship but I thought it was best to get it from the horse’s mouth .It is hard to get closure when there are loose ends.I find it better to address an issue rather than simply cut off contact.That’s why I didn’t want you to simply delete or block contacts without asking him about his comment.
    On a sidenote next time post an entry saying ,”I will not be posting for a few days”.You had some people worried .I hadn’t reach the worrying stage YET 😃

  16. Fuck that nigga, he put you out there in front of a bitch you don’t fuck with and disrespected you for his rep……He’s an immature, community dick having fuck boy. I mean Look at how he treats the women he messes with. He’s no Wolf, he’s more of a Pup name Scooby Doo.

  17. You’re back and doing fine, was starting to worry. That comment section was slappin! 😂

    I feel you on this. You’re not the only one that expected better from work wolf, lots of us did, even if we didn’t know him. He played his role and put on a show to save himself.

    Jamari, don’t ever feel like you’re the only one that fell for this trap. Use it as motivation. You may feel defeated, but you’re a phoenix; you’ll rise again and gain experience from it, making your flame grow even larger. 😉

  18. This has happened to me numerous times. I always hear later how they couldn’t mess with me because they loved me as a brother and wanted somebody that it would be just sex if it didn’t work out. They would kiss me on my cheek and leave it at that. I learned. Just sleep with their brother or cousin. Lol!

    Now about you. Jamari, you are a great person. See that in yourself like we do. I am getting their about myself. Just be Jamari. You don’t owe anybody anything so don’t try to give people anything you want back. I used to let people take everything I had and be left standing back looking crazy. No I don’t loan or give people nothing I will miss. Ask me for $2, I’m giving you $1. You can pay it back or keep it. Ask me to take you to Kroger and it will inconvenience me, no but I can take you tomorrow. I learned that the hard way now I am happier because I don’t give all of me away. Jamari, you are a 10. I don’t know that for sure because I never met you but you should feel that way no matter how you look. You have a heart of gold but like me, you let people take advantage of you. Not really thinking of it that way, it’s just the nice side. As the older people used to say to us, Put your big britches on and man up. Tell yourself you are only going to do the things you want to and sleep peacefully. That’s what they are doing after they find somebody else to help them. But anyway. Set a date for Mi to move out, get you a part time job until after Christmas and set yourself up for happiness. You are a star. We looking up to you. 👀👊🏽😍✌🏽️

  19. Glad to have you back. You aren’t the only one feeling this way. Trust me. I agree with the person who wrote you, you are very brave. It takes a lot for someone to put their life out there and be as transparent as you are with the foxhole. God bless, and keep doing you dude. Regardless of what that may look like to others.

  20. You have to go with your own feelings, but I think you may have overreacted a bit. However, I don’t live with either of you, so I don’t really know.

    I think it is hard for a straight person to be friends with a gay person. (I’m bi, but in the closet, so I kind of get it.)

    Of course, I shouldn’t be giving advise, my best friend and I haven’t had a, “normal” friendship in a minute, but I know he still cares, as do I, so at some point we’ll get back on track. Do what you feel is right.

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