notes: emotionally battered and abused

abuse.
so i needed to vent.
i’ve been going through it and i felt like i was about to explode.
so i wanted to speak my truth for anyone who is willing to listen…

thank you.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

12 thoughts on “notes: emotionally battered and abused

  1. Your calling is BIGGER than your feelings, your circumstances and your setbacks. In this journey of life we the innovators stick out because we’re not monolithic we’re not robots. I moved back to Philly in 2013 after finishing college with my Associates because i hit my limit in financial aid so i couldn’t go into the professional phase of the Physician Assistant program I was in. I settled for the Associates Degree so that I’d have something. Family celebrated because i was the first grandkid or person in my family on Moms side to finish college. I watched as colleagues of mine went into the program, graduated on to jobs paying $40-$50 an HR about 85-100k a year while i went thru multiple temp jobs because most companies do temp contractors to save money. Even lived in a room for 2 and a half years. Felt suicidal, empty. Couldnt back to school because i was working multiple jobs. Things just started to balance out within the last two years, even still I’m going through things. Self published two books NONE of my relatives or close friends purchased a copy. Yet i was the one driving folks to take their kids off to college; doing Resumes for free, supporting fish frys and fundraiser campaigns; iyanla vanzant whenever my friends needed emotional support but received nothinf in return. And often alone. My former pastor told me something YEARS ago that still resonates today and I’ll share. He said that my ANOINTING attracts ADVERSITY. He said the platform that GOD had ordained for me will require much strength and FOCUS and that I’ll go through much and I’ll be alone for a long time. I looked at him in confusion at the time and then he went on to say our GREATEST TRIUMPH is born out our darkest time. Create your own lane. This podcast just like your blog originally will flourish it takes time. But also submit your podcast entries to Other sites as well to gain followers. You are allowed to feel broken but understand that our feelings doesnt dictate our PURPOSE. So cry and weep at times if you must. Your presence is needed and you are NOT alone. Do not let this world rob you of your peace. You are worthy. Always remember your heart beats STILL because your purpose has yet to be fulfilled. It’s not over yet. Push through and also see a therapist if you can it’d be therapeutic and conducive to your healing. Forever with Love im praying for you

    1. ^i really appreciate this message malcolm.
      what your pastor said to you really stuck out to me as well.
      that was POWERFUL!!!!
      it made a lot of sense to me and really spoke to me too.

      thank you for sharing your testimony as we share the same in many ways.

  2. Remember our conversation. I hear it all in your voice. Take a break. You need to get back to Jamari. You need to get out that hole. You steady saying all you are getting is negativity. That’s not doing you any good to constantly see that. Its taking you down deeper and you are not doing anything wrong. You just being you and you need your shine. Get your groove back and come back. Will talk to you off here.

  3. @Malcom that was a powerful heartfelt message and I’m glad you shared that. Just like Jamari I have been abused all of my life, by family, friends and employers. I think people saw my potential when I was a child and really went out of their way to shake my confidence and tear me down. They would downplay and criticize everything I would do but turn around and copy it. My uncle terrorized me for years and would call me faggot because I was in to film. The crazy thing is when his son was murdered he got drunk and told me he wanted his son to be like me. My light was shining too bright for him and he couldn’t take it, I cut that man off and never looked back. The crazy thing is all that adversity made me a stronger and a more confident person. The more obstacles I overcame the more confident I became. One thing I’ve learned is when you’re black and talented white employers will hire you solely to abuse you and attack your self esteem. They know where you’re going and they can’t have that, they wan’t Jamari in a dark place so he doesn’t reach his full potential. The minute I pick up on that passive aggressive, racist behavior from employers I’m out the door. I do think because Jamari was abused by his parents he tends to seek out the wrong people and that’s something he needs to work on. This prayer helped pull me out of dark place Jamari and I’m sure it will work for you too. Listen to it daily with headphones in a quite place and watch what happens in your life, read the comments if you don’t believe me…

    https://youtu.be/8KjXwxlIq3Q

    1. ^this is such a powerful response to malcolm lyfe.
      you are absolutely right about how abuse works.
      i seek out patterns that remind me of certain things i’ve dealt with.

      family
      friends
      work wolf
      employers

      it is all connected.
      the crazy part is i was working at a black company where this latest abuse happened.
      i thought i could find solace with them,
      but they hated how bright my light shined.

      thank you for the comment you left.
      i’m going to listen to that prayer every day because i want a new outcome.

  4. I sent you an email Jamari, I just listened to this message and I’m extremely worried. I’ve wrote to you before about other personal matters but I felt that I needed to say this. I UNDERSTAND… Jamari you are the person that I’ve never meet to give me comfort and relief when I’m stressed or completely over my circumstances with life. I can say all that 2020 has been TRULY a difficult reality upon the new year, new decade. I’ve always valued your content throughout these years and I couldn’t imagined to not hear from you ever again. I want to be a light to encourage, uplift and promote positivity ALWAYS that is how I try to navigate my life at my new at of 30. Life as we know it is extremely difficult. Life continues and does not stop for anyone and it’s a hard reality to fathom how as people we don’t communicate and check in with each other. The big topic, anytime Jamari I hear the word suicide I get extremely nervous, I say want to say DIRECTLY TO YOU, DO NOT GIVE UP AND NEVER STOP. I understand some of us have it harder than others but I just wanted to say that you matter Jamari. I will pray for you and I just have to say you are a friend and I’ve never even met you. Your voice matters and we need you Jamari Fox. Don’t give up!

    STAY STRONG BROTHER ✊🏾

    1. ^thank you james.
      i had a moment earlier.
      this year has been hell for me.
      it’s only march and i’m feeling hopeless over what’s next.
      thank you and please continue to pray for me.

      love you,
      jf

  5. I think we can be friends! You seem like someone apart of my tribe! You need support, I need support, let’s support!

  6. Jamari

    Little bro, I feel so much empathy for you right now because I’ve lived through lots of pain in my own life. I have low expectations for the people I meet and the existing people in my orbit because they will eventually disappoint or betray me. I wish I could offer up some possible solutions to your state of being but the truth is there really isn’t a magic remedy to the toughness of life. People are cruel, they are cowards, they will disappoint, abuse and betray us yet we seem to “need” them for some reason. Please hold on to whatever light burns inside. It’s the only way to see through the morass. People will dim it if we let them.

"off topic", trolling, and other nonsense gets sent to my spam folder. other than that, play nice and let's discuss!