i was curious about him when i was younger.
he was big and strong.
just how i like them.
i just knew he would open my eyes to new experiences.
allow me to be myself.
my parents told me to be careful because he can be dangerous.
he is a bad boy.
they always wanted to be there when i went out with him.
they didn’t trust him at all.
once they both left to join the one above,
it was just me and him.
he treated me good for a while.
bought me pretty things,
made me look good,
and introduced me to interesting people.
suddenly he started to turn on me.
he beat me down so many times.
often making me feel like i wasn’t worth shit.
continuously bending me over against my will.
fucking me hard until i cried.
he made me his bitch.
he made everyone his bitch sadly.
it was like i liked the abuse or something,
even tho he hurt me continuously,
i always learned something with him.
he intensified my presence.
he taught me how to be tough,
not to cry,
and to stand up for myself.
he made people fear me from all the lessons i learned.
he taught me about class and the finer things of life.
for the last two years,
we haven’t really been getting along again.
i was so depressed.
i threw him the middle finger and i was out.
i needed a break and of course,
i cheated on him with someone else.
this new guy provided me with warmth,
even tho low key,
he was kinda… boring.
there was no excitement,
his style was super wack,
and i would end up settling to someone my heart was not fully with.
my ex could go all night.
he never went to sleep.
this one shut down after a while.
i won’t lie tho,
he did make me feel wanted.
way different than my first boyfriend.
the one i couldn’t stop thinking about.
see what he does to me?
it’s like he has under his control.
i look at others and no one will ever be like him.
some of my friends tell me leave him alone!
go to that other guy!
you are stupid if you stay jamari!
easy for them to say.
he will forever be my heart and something continuously attracts me to him.
so i’m back with him.
i decided to give him another chance.
this go round,
i feel a lot different.
that other guy taught me to be more laid back and go with the flow.
if it isn’t working out and i’m not happy,
then i need to say “fuck you” and just walk away.
how do you walk away from your addiction?
well i’m giving him two months or so.
if he doesn’t get it together then i’m gone.