My Boyfriend Abuses Me, But I Still Go Back To Him

Screen Shot 2013-12-28 at 6.17.03 PMi was curious about him when i was younger.
he was big and strong.
just how i like them.
i just knew he would open my eyes to new experiences.
allow me to be myself.
my parents told me to be careful because he  can be dangerous.
he is a bad boy.
they always wanted to be there when i went out with him.
they didn’t trust him at all.
once they both left to join the one above,
it was just me and him.
all alone.
he treated me good for a while.
bought me pretty things,
made me look good,
and introduced me to interesting people.
suddenly he started to turn on me.
he beat me down so many times.
often making me feel like i wasn’t worth shit.
continuously bending me over against my will.
fucking me hard until i cried.
he made me his bitch.
he made everyone his bitch sadly.
it was like i liked the abuse or something,
even tho he hurt me continuously,
i always learned something with him.
he intensified my presence.
he taught me how to be tough,
not to cry,
and to stand up for myself.
he made people fear me from all the lessons i learned.
he taught me about class and the finer things of life.
for the last two years,
we haven’t really been getting along again.
i was so depressed.
i threw him the middle finger and i was out.
i needed a break and of course,
i cheated on him with someone else.
this new guy provided me with warmth,
even tho low key,
he was kinda… boring.
there was no excitement,
his style was super wack,
and i would end up settling to someone my heart was not fully with.
my ex could go all night.
he never went to sleep.
this one shut down after a while.
i won’t lie tho,
he did make me feel wanted.
way different than my first boyfriend.
the one i couldn’t stop thinking about.
see what he does to me?
it’s like he has under his control.
i look at others and no one will ever be like him.
some of my friends tell me leave him alone!
run!
go to that other guy!
you are stupid if you stay jamari!
easy for them to say.
he will forever be my heart and something continuously attracts me to him.
so i’m back with him.
i know.
i know.
i decided to give him another chance.
this go round,
i feel a lot different.
that other guy taught me to be more laid back and go with the flow.
if it isn’t working out and i’m not happy,
then i need to say “fuck you” and just walk away.
how do you walk away from your addiction?
sigh.
well i’m giving him two months or so.
if he doesn’t get it together then i’m gone.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

14 thoughts on “My Boyfriend Abuses Me, But I Still Go Back To Him

  1. If man didn’t comment I would’ve thought ur ass was in a abusive relationship. All I have to say is well written Jamari and I can relate at where I am in my life right now. I can relate in the ways I feel about NY and where my heart is set (some place in the south where I wanna spend four yrs and go to school) thanks for this.

    1. LMAO…@abusive relationship lol. I know Jamari said he would be more open and honest a while back….but not this honest, I would not think. I do not think if he was in a abusive relationship he would blog about it, just my opinion. It is just some things that are too personal lol. He’d probably make up a fake foxmail or something LMAO… Niggas probably be ready to fly to NY and set it off lol. I know I would lol.

  2. You have to do what makes YOU happy. I would never tell someone to leave another, but if it’s bad for you….bounce! ;o)
    Sometimes what you consider boring and whack may very well be better for you at this stage. Feel me?

  3. Your head seems to be in the right place Jamari. Decisions like these you have to give time and not make too abruptly. The answer will come to you. I know the South is different from NY and may not be as exciting, but the cost of living is cheaper and we got that southern hospitality thing (even though we have more than our fair share of assholes). Either way you decide I know the foxhole has got your back.

  4. “Man” I’m in love with you! You light up my inner me just by commenting. I look for you every time I visit the site. I want to kiss every moving part of your being (and some that don’t move). But I know I’m not your type so I digress. Keep being you and I will keep dreaming. I might write a Jamari type story of you and me for him to post.

    Jamari, life is tough but you are going to have to “tuff it out” a little longer. Sorry!

      1. Definitely got to church man. I have been to church this Sunday, the last one, and I am going next week to get my communion. I feel a lil unusual when I am there tho, but I will get back into it. I used to be on the choir as a kid, I was a soprano. Don’t laugh, my voice was not developed, so I had to sing with the girls lol.

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