i had such a long day.
i came in and crashed on the couch.
didn’t even take off my clothes.
just fell out and stayed there.
i haven’t been sleeping so i’m tired.
mi was at work.
when i opened my eyes 2 hours later,
she was on the floor across from me…
i was actually on her bed.
when i was alone,
the couch was my second bed.
i miss it.
she said it was okay.
since she has been back,
even tho we do talk,
but i’ve been keeping my distance.
well we decided to talk tonight.
a real talk.
it started off about me and feeling so emotionally drained.
how this “work wolf” thing makes me feel.
how i feel about him.
how i feel about my life in general.
the fact after rent i’m going to be so broke.
how there is no food in the fridge.
how i should be in a better place in life.
how i miss my parents and star fox.
it was like she was a therapist and i was the client.
i laid all my burdens on her.
she just listened.
this literally describes me right now:
anyway the convo then drifted into her.
she told me how her phone broke and she threw it in the trash.
how she doesn’t even want a phone right now.
she is happy just being “missing”.
her focus is starting over and going back to school.
she picked up a second job.
the convo with her was different.
she admitted a lot to me about how she has been feeling.
she realizes she has been a complete fuck up.
i told her how she isn’t that girl i knew back then.
the innocent one who looked up to me.
“life changed me.
when i lost my mother,
i put a wall up.
i’m rough now.
i actually hate it.”
“i feel it with us.”
but you are the only person i can trust.
you are the only good person in my life and i see that now.”
i told her how when i speak to her,
the only thing i can see in my mind is when she swung at me.
“i’m very sorry about that.”
i admitted that i’m still adjusting.
sometimes i want her to leave,
but i’m holding onto my comfort zone.
she hasn’t done anything so far.
she has been really quiet.
well i could do without the weave all over the place.
its like she sheds like a chinese poodle.
i’m really just guarded and ready to sabotage so i could be left alone.
something i’m working on.
i told her that i’m looking for a therapist.
she wants to look for one as well.
“i guess we are both a mess.”
yeah we are.
the good thing about being a mess is being able to admit it.
its only up from here.