Kill (Mi)Self

“i am going to kill myself”

that was the text that shook though my soul last night.
i had to stop what i was doing.
i fully understand how someone feels when you get a text like that.
i get what it feels like when i would send “help me” texts in my past.
that was from mi

it’s funny,
but everyone who does me wrong ends up getting a humbling out of this world.
this is why i tell those don’t stoop to the level of getting revenge.
the best weapons you can use is:

killing those with kindness
the cloak of invisibility


mi is seeing everything i was saying to her when she was living here.
i tried to guide her in the right direction,
but she was acting like a fuckin’ entitled demon in my crib.
she didn’t have to want for anything.
she had a job,
but i was footing most of her living expenses.
all she had to do was show up.
she decided to put randoms,
most who are all gone,
over me and tried to ruin my reputation.

“jamari i’m really depressed and i feel so alone”

“whats wrong?????”

“i messed up with you and now i’m out here alone,
no job,
i didn’t know things would be this hard”

life is hard.
it’s not easy.
when you out here burning bridges,
it makes the mountain climbing even harder.
mi has burnt every bridge around her.
no one is fuckin with her like that out here now.
she grew up with everything handed to her and had a sense of “i don’t give a fuck”.
now she sees that life and others don’t give a fuck about her.

“i understand how you felt”

“well i was only trying to help you”

“reality hit me hard now.
i didn’t now i was that bad.
i’m scared”

“don’t be scared.
welcome to life 101.
it sucks and rock bottom is usually the start to a great beginning.”

we texted for what felt like a few hours,
but i listened to what she had to say.
sometimes you gotta let those who hurt you go for them to learn.
it’s tough because i do care for her,
but she wanted to learn the hard way.

she got what she gave.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

9 thoughts on “Kill (Mi)Self

  1. Life comes at you fast, but this humble pie she is being served is just what she needs. J you gave her more life lessons that anybody probably ever has and hopefully she will humble herself and use them. She has no choice but to put her big girl panties on and make it. She needs to find a church in whatever city she is in and tell them her troubles and lay her burdens down. In order for her make it though, she is going to have to check that self entitled attitude, our world is cynical but there are still many people out here who are willing to help you when you want to help yourself.

    1. ^exactly!

      it’s funny how she thought it was all good until she actually had to go through it.
      scallywags will cosign the bad behavior and the gossip,
      but when it’s over and the honeymoon phase is done,
      that’s when you see who was really down for you.
      she needs to learn you can’t hurt those around you and expect to be blessed.

  2. Who else in the family talks to her? You should let them know what she said. Let them help out. The burden should not be all on you. If they choose not to, that’s on them. At least you let them know.
    You can love someone, but when they shit on you when you tried to help them at their lowest, that’s when you say I wish you well…and keep it moving.

      1. Never wrong to be forgiving. Forgetful, probably. But forgiveness releases any hold that a wrongdoer or that action may have over you. In the end, grudges and bitterness just poison your mind, body and life.

        Now I don’t have the answers for what to do in this situation, except pray for her and try to do like Tajan said and find her a church/support group. Talk to her about getting some mental and emotional help because we are supposed to take every mention of suicide seriously. Let her know there’s too much out here to live for to be talking like that. Get the other members of the fam involved. If she still has that baby she’s going to need to be responsible for it too. I don’t think you need to lay into her, but let her know that the kid gloves are off and that she’s in the real world now. Let her know that it’s gonna be hard and that she will feel like giving up but if she stays on the grind and does what she needs to as a woman and a mother she can overcome her circumstances. There are literally thousands of examples of people throughout the U.S. alone that have gone through the same thing and come out on top, let alone the whole world.Tell her to learn from her mistakes so that she doesn’t repeat them and can grow into a better person.

        And as for you mister fox, you are clearly a light from God sent into these ppl’s lives. Maybe there is something you’re unconsciously emoting that is attracting unappreciative hyenas. Now maybe you’re only supposed to be in these ppl’s lives for a couple of seasons so that they see an example of what it is like to be/know someone who genuinely cares and is real. Perhaps this is God getting you ready to fully appreciate someone(s) who is coming into your life that may care for you the same way you care for them. Idk but there seems to be something deeper going on here. Good luck to you fox and I hope that she gets the help that she needs.

        1. ^thanks aj.
          that last paragraph is what ive been asking myself as of late.

          why am I so under appreciated when i do so much for everyone?

          im always the first there and the first to be left behind.
          it really bothers me.

          as for me,
          she got the abortion.
          i mentioned to her what would have happened if she kept that baby?
          she would have gone crazy with all this recent drama she is in.
          needless to say,
          i can speak to her upfront and honest now we are separated and she is open to listening.
          ill suggest everything you guys are saying!

  3. As someone who goes through depression and thoughts of suicide my prayers go out to her.

    Tell her to remember THIS feeling right now, remember it if this situation happens again, remember it before you decide to burn a bridge. A lot of times we have to go to the a certain life lesson numerous times in order to get it. I agree with the comment about finding a church maybe she can find some therapy through it and just express all of her emotions.

    Good luck to her

    1. ^beautiful comment mikey.

      i spoke to her just now and she seems like she is in better spirits.
      she says she wants a change and wants to be a better person to those around her.
      we shall see.

  4. Some people just never learn and make bad decisions in their lives and she is no exception, but hopefully she will find her way. I know it would be painful for you if she did decide to take her own life, despite all of the turmoil the two of you have been through.

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