Now I will admit, I have thought to myself:
“If I looked like Beyonce, I would have the finest Wolves all on me!”
“If I was a Vixen, I would probably be the biggest ho ever!”
“These Wolves would be wrapped around my finger…”
Yup.
I’d be “that bad bitch with the fly wardrobe and the coke bottle shape“.
Probably be sexy enough to do music videos with all the rappers and singers I’d like to fuck.
But, after chillin’ with a few Vixens this weekend,
I could never be a Vixen.
Nope, nope, and nope….
I was invited to a major event last weekend by a few of my female friends.
It was one of those kind of events where you needed to dress real fly,
because everyone in the city was going to be there.
It was a “who’s who” type of thing in the The Concrete Jungle.
It brings out so many people I am usually left asking:
“THEY LIVE HERE?!?!?!”
I got there on CPT time and I immediately found my people.
Now, I personally do not know any ugly Vixens.
All of my Vixens are pretty much ranging between sexy and beautiful.
That was already a cause of attention between the straight Wolf kind at the event.
As we walked past, ears immediately lit up and they started to sniff “Vixen” scent.
It sort of made me uncomfortable with all that attention.
It is amazing to see what kind of attention a pretty Vixen can start by just entering the room.
Wolves were grabbing their arms and up in their faces trying to be seen,
hopefully be the ones chosen.
The Vixens were not having it.
They did not speak or even say anything, which surprised me.
Not something I would imagine myself doing if I had a pussy.
They just kept it moving to our various destination.
One of the reasons was some of the ones hollerin’ were ugly as hell.
They seem to be the boldest ones.
It was the fat, broke, no swagg, and even hood-like ones with the biggest barks.
One big fat one is going to tell my well put together “Jill Scott” Vixen:
“Baby, I just want to play with your rolls.”
WTF??!?!?!
Was that suppose to be a turn on statement?
Now, the Wolves I would personally fuck on first night where just standing around, trying to model their expensive new “Bodies That Needs To B Fucked“.
They were playing on their cell phones and making conversation with their boys.
It was obvious they wanted Vixens to come up to them.
I noticed one Wolf, who was simply gorgeous, just finished getting the number of one random Vixen and then tried to get the attention from one I was with.
She immediately peeped game and ignored him.
I had to ask them how do they deal with all the attention.
“It just becomes a normal thing. I just ignore it.”
“It is always the ugliest ones with all that mouth. The sexiest ones never want to approach.
“I’m not some hooker ho so I will not be walking up to cars because some nigga whistled from one.”
“If a dude gets your number right now, he will probably get 10 more numbers from some other thirsty bitches here.”
I left them that night with a lot on my mind.
We, as Foxes, want that kind of attention from Wolves we are attracted to.
We want Wolves to simply walk up to us and try to get our digits,
but would it get tiring fast to be in their Christian Loubs?
And lets say we get the sexy Wolf, can we keep him?
Some sexy Wolves just fuck the fine Vixens and keep it moving,
until they settle with the ugliest homeliest fattest one of them all.
The Wolf of our dreams cheats on a Vixen and impregnates his jump-off Shamu.
Not a good situation.
I would love to be the center of attention when it comes to Wolves,
but once you dismiss them it’s:
“WELL FUCK YOU TOO.”
“YOU UPPITY BITCH”
OR MY FAVORITE:“WELL I DIDN’T WANT YOUR NUMBER BECAUSE YOU WERE UGLY ANYWAY.”
As much as we admire Vixens for being the standard,
we can both trade war stories when it comes to Wolves.
What they do…
What they don’t do…
What we want them to do…
We may not have the pussy but…
First let me say that it is going to get better. It gets better when more foxes/wolves would live their life instead of a lifestyle. Stop the shame, fear, or apologies for being exactly who you are. Too many of us feel they can’t be X, Y, Z because of their attraction and the attitudes of other people in their lives. There is no one way to navigate an emotional connection with another man; but there are beneficial ways to do so.
I don’t know too many women who would be heartbroken of most of the men in their lives/environment would for one day shut-completely-the-fuck-up and not say one word to them–in fact I think more women would encourage the practice. Contrary to popular belief, any attention is not good (healthy) attention. Inattention doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with a person. Most people are not approached because they appear to be unapproachable for a number of reasons. Simple as that. Even though the reasons vary, most of them have nothing to do with you personally (how could it when they don’t know you) and everything to do with them. Eye-fucking only goes so far, at some point you do have to take initiative, but you also have to know when to give up control. Men want to dominated and submissive at different times.
What I mean by delusional is when gay men specifically seek out straight men for relations. This pisses me off to no end because I tire of shuttin’ down straight dudes thinking that every gay dude want them when nobody SHOULD want them cause they are not fucking prizes–but apparently a lot of foxes/wolves pretend friendships with straight men in hopes of trying to seduce one or at worst have a “relationship” with one. This is dangerous and delusional. There is nothing wrong with desiring masculinity, but to expecting all gay men to match an idealized straight man’s masculine performance is delusional since there are gay men who do this already without pretending to like pussy and are ostracized because they are not really straight. This is also tied to the false dichotomies of “masc” and “fem”, “top” and “bottom”, probably the biggest delusions of them all. What do you call a guy that is not into penetration but only likes mutual masturbation and frottage? Some of my foxes (more so than wolves) have turned down potential relationship partners because they were not total tops or total bottoms or because they don’t suck dick or some other wacked out reason related to a sexual position or practice. It gets delusional when people worry about playing a position or role instead of getting the entire a person who is otherwise decent.
This is honestly the first time I’ve ever read response (well part of the response) from you on this subject that was the least bit on the positive side. I agree, it does get better. But for those people are in the middle of it, who haven’t necessarily had the best experiences and are running around with no sort of directionality, it isn’t all that clear. I have plenty of friends who have next to given-up. Who, although are open about their sexuality and for the most part are comfortable with themselves, cannot seem to find anyone looking for what they’re looking for. Yes, compromise and self-respect and boundaries and all of that good stuff that’s involved in the process, but at the end of the day, its still tough and the prospects aren’t the best and the outlook does not look good. It definitely can, though and i feel like that’s where the disconnect is when it comes to discussions.
And that’s where we differ. I completely believe fysh thrive off of that sort of thing. I see it everyday. Although annoying and sometimes a bit much, there’s a part of them that needs that sort of attention as much as they claim to hate it. Yes, there are differences between negative and positive attention. But to most, attention is attention. They engage in certain activities like clubs and parties and do so in outfits and articles of clothing meant to draw the eyes of men even if they’re planning on rejecting them. Inattention to you may not signal that there is something wrong with you but there are plenty of women who would think negatively of themselves should they go long periods of time without gaining the glances and remarks of men. Who would most definitely label inattention that they once had as a reflection of who they are and what they’re giving. For most, although in an ideal world where being satisfied with oneself should be enough, something is not real until someone else acknowledges it. Particularly someone they’re potentially interested in.
I can tell you have strong feelings about straight man relations. No, they should not be regarded as “fuckin prizes.” Chasing after straight men is not necessarily the best way to go. Trying to place this sort of masculine standard on every man you meet can be a recipe for failure. But for some people, its actually worked. And other people hold on to that possibility. Personally, i don’t, but other people do and if that’s their twist, go for it. And I don’t know the extent to which one’s sexual position will make or break a relationship? I’m sure part of it has to do with perceived dominance and submissiveness and its correlation to what position one chooses to pick most often in the bedroom. Is it accurate? Not 100% of the time. Is it good for gauging what a person might potentially gives? I would say that its debatable.
Why are you coming for me when I did not send for you? LOL
I am not looking down on those seeking a relationship I’m questioning thought patterns and ideals behind wanting a relationship when the most important relationship–the one with the self–has not been addressed.
I never sought out relationships, I did not want to be tied down, at all, I never glorified a man or thought some dude was gonna complete me, make me happy, or validate my masculinity. I had a father and a older brother, tons of play cousins, and male associates and did want their brand of masculinity in a partner (but that bullshit happened anyway).
What is with this myth of their are fewer guys into guys than into females that are afraid to act and show it? Appearing straight and being straight are two different things. There are a slew of bisexuals milling about, total gays and total straights are minorities. Just because you specifically are not giving a dick some attention does mean someone who looks and acts just like you isn’t. Didn’t you have bands and footballs teams (basketball and track teams too) in high school and college? Don’t you know any Alphas, Nupes, Ques, (secretly Masons) really well? Ever have a friend in the military and hang out with his boys, before and after they start drinking? Even been to an birthday/after party with your local baller or celebrity?
Random Question: Would you guys entertain getting to know someone who works in the same building as you? NOT the same office, just building. People say don’t date where you live or work.
Sam building? More than likely, yeah. Even if it doesn’t work out I’m really good at acting like we’ve never met. lol
Haha very true. I forgot I also posess that ability. Plus I only see him in the lobby so I guess its no biggie. Trying to make sure he’s a wolf, he was kind of extra smiley when we spoke and I don’t do hybrids. On the PRO side of things… he’s fine and I know he has a great job =)
Ha! I feel the same way! lol Every time i hand out a passing “thank you” for all of the “you’re sexy’s” or a “no, thank you” when asked for my number or if they can “walk with me”… it brightens my day a little =)
Oh Jamari…
Come on now, if you looked like Beyonce but f*cked every fine wolf on you, you’d be no Beyonce.
Something about a slutty vixen makes me not want to even refer to her as a vixen. Just a whore.
I see dudes with really nice bodies, but then I think about how many things they’re f*cking and I don’t even want to associate with them.
Not to go all church in here, but we all really need to re-evaluate our morals and levels of self-respect.
*prepares for bombs coming this way*
^i am totally with you so no bombs here MW.
Made an excellent point.
I am glad I have moved on from that thinking.
This is exactly why i asked the question. It always seems to me as though you come at people who want to be in relationships from a deficit point of view. It can often come off like you’re labeling everyone else as desperate and seeking relationships out of loneliness and the need for validation. Although that is partly true for some people, it isn’t true for all. There are those who are comfortable by themselves and don’t view being single as the downtime between men but also want to enjoy what it is to be coupled, know what it takes and recognize the risks involved. Obviously, relationships take work and It is not fun all the time. Yes, there are men who are emotionally unavailable, cheaters, cold-hearted, and who throw out a litany of red flags early in a relationship but they do not represent the whole of the dating pool. But it is perfectly fine to want to be in a relationship IF you have boundaries, values, love yourself, and don’t carry many negative thoughts and opinions about men and love. I often find that’s what’s missing in dating and relationship discussions.
If you’ve managed to find some, then they are out there. There may not be a lot, but there are more than a few. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be in a relationship when its done from a healthy standpoint. Instead of focusing on “the problem” and all the things can go wrong i think it’s important to discuss ways in which can reach the place you’ve seem to have come to AND be in a relationship. To know what are red flags versus what are things you can work through and accept. To be able to recognize what a healthy relationship looks and feels like.
Fitting for the person IN A RELATIONSHIP to look down on someone else who’s seeking the same. People in relationships do that like “oh why are you even worried about it, you seem desperate.” Well um I’m sure you were in some way seeking one before yours as well.
Vain I’ve read your blog and you’re right som people are ready for the whole settling down thing earlier than others. Especially if you’ve been in a great, healthy relationshop before. I’ve been there and would love to have that feeling again. Am I gonna die if it doesn’t happen right now? Not at all, I have plenty to occupy myself. In the mean time, I’m open. Just don’t look at every situation you come across as potential for a commitment ceremony lol
MW took the words out of my mouth; some guys ooze “slut” and being that I’m only interested in a certain type, as pretty as they are to look at, they remain eye candy only. I don’t know if its just on a person by person basis but if I walk by and a guy is into guys he’s gonna at least look. I’ve gotten yelled at (embarassing), “yo waddups?” As they walk by (the “driveby) so I don’t feel a lack of attention. Just that (naturaly) there are fewer guys that like guys than tere are into females. And even fewer that will show it. FEWER that will act on it. Most I don’t want anyway so the looks are enough for me a lot of times 🙂 like little gold stars kids cllect kids collect in kindergarten 😉
Wow. Okay.
Before you knew I was in a relationship the assumption was that I was one of those single-with a lot of-theories people who state “be yourself”, “follow your passion”, “do you”, and the rest will follow—but now that you found out that I’m in a relationship I appear to come off as labeling all others who are not in a relationship (or who wants one) as deficient, desperate, or lonely.
I was not even thinking about it terms of being desperate or lonely, but going back over your initial post:
“Must be so hard to not have to worry about whether or not you will end up alone because there are so many men pulling you in their direction. Going out and not wondering if the reason you aren’t getting attention is because you are too (insert adjective here) or (not (insert adjective here) enough. To not have to spend large amounts of their time sitting in front of a computer on screens with blue or orange backgrounds in hopes that today is the day Mr. Right For You logs on and notices you’ve looked at his profile a million times and responds to the general message you sent him hoping the wording you used is what he wants to hear.”
“But i do believe that should reality switch and these same fysh were to go to a club all dressed up, stand on the sidelines or in the middle of the dance floor and be COMPLETELY IGNORED… they would kill themselves.”
I’m struck by where this attitude or notion comes from and how can this not appear to come from a place of loneliness or desperation. Expecting to find Mr. Right For You through computer love AND being suicidal because a man does not show any interest. Really? This last one really kills me. Whose self esteem is that low? Seriously? I’m dead serious, this so foreign to me, suicidal because men ignore them. If a man or woman feels like that, then they or not ready for a relationship at all. That’s some borderline personality disorder mess.
My point has been and always been stop putting dick on a pedestal and I guess I should add: stop being delusional when it comes to men and relationships.
I can’t tell you specifically what your red flags would be or what a healthy relationship for you would look like. For me, I’m into literate gay and bisexual men with good hearts, good dick, and good credit. I like guys that can give and take a dick and a joke. I’m into monogamy and polyamory. I like brutal honesty and minimal bullshit. I like children and cats. For those who don’t meet these most of these standards I don’t deal with them. I didn’t wait for my Mr. Rights to come along, I was living life and he appeared, they all appeared that way. I was doing me and ran into someone else who wanted to do me too.
What i was describing above is a reality for a lot of people in our lifestyle. Boys looking around like, is this every going to get any better? For some people, meeting men is not that easy. I get why places like BGC and A4A are so popular. And okay, you’re taking “they would kill themselves” very literally. I meant, should the roles change one day and the fysh were to experience what it is we go through. To go from being approached and wooed and even just casually talked to by men to spending their time having to decipher codes and stares and indirect language. I don’t believe they would be able to handle it. Like, at all. This is something that takes a strong minded person to go through and remain emotionally well intact. I feel as though should they experience what it is to be a black gay male for a day, they would not trade their every day experiences with men for a second. Not one.
Single or not, a lot of times it does comes off as though the rest of us shouldn’t even be on the look out from the way you respond. I do hear you. We must all have our feet planted in reality. We must understand who we are and our boundaries and goals and value ourselves. That an emotionally unavailable, or just generally unavailable man is not to going to lead to a fulfilling relationship. I get it, i do. For some people, it is enough to spend their time doing them and a man will come along, for others… not so much. And i acknowledge that.
And that’s what i mean, In regards to some of the responses, when you say being “delusion” about men and relationships, I don’t understand where that comes from sometimes? Sure, some people have varying views on those topics but It’s like, damn “delusional”? Really?
Say that! Honestly I think I’m one of those people that likes the idea of a relationship rather than the actual relationship, which is why I’ve avoided them. Everyone has to compromise a little, but you should only do that with certain things.
Imma file this is my ‘duh’ file. Of course women get more attention; men won’t until being gay/bi is socially acceptable. It only happens now in certain enclaves (i.e. San Fran, Atl, parts of NYC & DC).
However, I’m glad I’m not a women, especially after seeing how most dudes are downright rude & disrespectful — I’d be fighting a few n*ggas…lol
Basically your vixens don’t put Dick on a pedestal.
Life should not revolve around wanting a man; trying to get a man; hoping some man–who doesn’t want you and aint shit to begin with but you don’t know that right away–notices you.
Stop putting dick on a pedestal.
Some foxes are delusional when it comes to thinking about what men want and how to deal with/attract the kind of men they think they want.
A lot of wolves and foxes claim to be men but act like dizzy insecure Dick hungry broads. It’s pathetic and embarrassing.
So one should not want to be in a healthy, committed relationship with someone who is thoughtful, emotionally available, respectful, caring and loving?
Its one thing to revolve your life around the pursuit of a man, its another to like to be and enjoy the benefits of being coupled.
Some people are caught up in the thought of love, being in love than the actual relationship. Marriage is a perfect example of this: how many people focus on the a wedding day instead of the marriage.
How many men do you know who were raised to be thoughtful, emotionally available, respectful, careful and loving AND fit the physical requirements that you like AND is attracted to you?
I’ve met 3 in my life thus far, and currently with the last one at the present. His good outweighs his bad, he’s a handful; as am I. There are benefits to being coupled but a relationship is not all good all the time, and it’s not a curse to be single either.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a healthy, committed relationship. The problems occurs when a person wants that type of a relationship with someone who is thoughtless, emotionally unavailable, disrespectful, and cold. Which happens so a lot unfortunately. Many people overlook the red flags and hope their love is going change a person into their ideal instead of dealing with them as they are. People don’t change they get better at what they do well. So if you met and merge under false pretenses expect more of the same for the duration of your time together. If you know he has wife, boyfriend, or partner don’t be surprised when you find other numbers or evidence of other people he is fucking before you, after you, or even while his literally with you.
I have to disagree with you there. A lot of foxes (at least the many i know and have come across) don’t want to BE vixens so much as they want the perceived benefits or perks that COMES WITH being a vixen. Its’ one thing to want breasts and a vagina and the glass ceilings, but its another to want the beauty, attention, and spotlight that the fysh seem to be a lot more privy to.
It’s kinda sorta that way by both foxes and vixens want a wolf to take care of us but we can both admit that we have a rivalry. Think about it we see fine wolves holla at vixens all day and we build up our stragety to get our wolves. All a vixen have to do is look there best and they have their choice of the pack. It’s a lil bit harder for us foxes cause of the “in the closet” “down low” wolves who don’t like to be out and about. And when we find our perfect wolf we know he’s gona have some kinda baggage with him. When a vixen finds out that a wolf gets down it’s like he’s damaged goods and as I’m sure you know us foxes get put on the back burner when our DL wolf meets his pet vixen. It’s like the ratio for wolves and vixens is a lil bit higher but us fixer are smarter which makes our hunts more fun
Basically what Vain said with a little less passion. Lol
I tell the fine women I know all the time to enjoy that attention now because newer, better booty is never too far behind. Women act like they don’t enjoy that attention, but if men ignored them they’d be in club salty with a stank attitude.
A lot of foxes want to be vixens, but none of them are. Of course you have the really attractive foxes who may get similar attention from men but it’s rarely as direct.
Poor vixens, constantly being bombarded with opportunities to meet men. Must be so hard to not have to worry about whether or not you will end up alone because there are so many men pulling you in their direction. Going out and not wondering if the reason you aren’t getting attention is because you are too (insert adjective here) or (not (insert adjective here) enough. To not have to spend large amounts of their time sitting in front of a computer on screens with blue or orange backgrounds in hopes that today is the day Mr. Right For You logs on and notices you’ve looked at his profile a million times and responds to the general message you sent him hoping the wording you used is what he wants to hear. Who can open a bridal magazine and not have to wonder if this is all a fairytale and won’t happen to you because there someone is, who looks just like you, right on the page. Sounds like a really rough life.
I get approached down here in Atlanta. Though it doesn’t compare to the amount that fysh do I totally understand what they go through in having to just ignore it. There are moments where i see fysh being harassed by men and i think to myself, I would never want to experience that on a day to day. But i do believe that should reality switch and these same fysh were to go to a club all dressed up, stand on the sidelines or in the middle of the dance floor and be COMPLETELY IGNORED… they would kill themselves.
^i am handing out way to many “this” today lol
so I’ll say, “YUP” to mix it up.
well said Vain.
especially “they would kill themselves” part.
so so true…