It Isn’t Safe Inside: The Life of A High Functioning Depressed Person

“i think i’m a high functioning depressed person…”

at the time when one of my foxholers told me that,
i was in the middle of a “moment”.
you know how they say males only have “moments”?
a few weeks ago.
that was around that time the foxholer hit me with it.
it resonated with me,
but i thought i was commanding this “new day; new me” shit,
so i was in a “happy” state.
well i have to agree with my foxholer because…

“hi.
my name is jamari fox and i’m a high functioning depressed fox”

i can imagine that “low functioning” means you can’t even get out of bed.
you’re too depressed to work and don’t enjoy anything.
“high functioning” is the opposite in where you can do all those things,
but there is still that depression in the background.
you are depressed af,
but you can still be glamorous or pursuing your goals.
it can work overtime,
but not be in your foreground as “low functioning”.

for the last week,
my life has been off.
i’ve been so sad and trying to hold it together.
i look like i’m okay,
but i’m not.
it’s to the point that i have my phone on permanent “do not disturb”.
i don’t want to talk or even hang out.
i just want to be left alone.
there is a lot that has been happening.
i’m not just depressed for no reason.
the upcoming holidays always makes me “ugh”,
but this year feels different.
this new job is amazing,
and it’s what i was looking for,
but they aren’t paying for my time off.
the first job i ever had that i won’t be getting holiday paid.
that means next wednesday,
thursday,
and friday will be “off at my own risk”.
i barely have any money and rent/bills/food/survive is on my brain.
most of my friends are in new relationships so they’ve all gone missing.
ask me when last i spoke to karaoke?

i think my life is meant to be a “high functioning depressed fox”.
while in my deep thoughts today,
i was trying to recall a time when i was ever truly happy.
“moments”,
yes,
but never a period that i was in pure bliss.
i keep asking God to allow that to happen.
a time when nothing goes wrong and shit just goes smooth.

he hasn’t answered yet.

thanks for reading.
i needed the cry that came from this.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

12 thoughts on “It Isn’t Safe Inside: The Life of A High Functioning Depressed Person

  1. Im rite there with you hun, most days at work i jus feel so numb i could literally clump over on the floor, my problem is i never had a specific “passion” so im jus at a job thats getting me by, and in my late 20s with a rent to pay, im passed the stage in life where u can bounce from one job to another, the only diffrence with me is instead of having my phone on do not disturb, im going out any chance i get jus to get the rush of being in high energy places like clubs or bars, and i have hooked up with people jus for something to do, but i’ve slowed down cause its not a safe thing to make habit of, so trust me when i say u are not alone!

  2. sad to say, i can definitely relate. it’s to the point where i dont even remember what happiness feels like. i am so used to being depressed that it is my “normal”. huhh. this is terrible. best wishes to you my friend. we will get it together.

  3. you know what made me step away to cry just now?
    the fact that i’m not the only one.
    we need to know we aren’t the only ones.
    it helps tremendously.
    we are taught in the black community to not talk about this.
    to turn to God or “man up”.
    that is wrong and it really fucks you up emotionally doing that.
    i’m glad i’m able to share my lows and pain in a safe place.

    thank you.

  4. Your life is what you decide and say it is. Speak happiness …you will soon find beauty in life. Speak sadness and pretty soon sadness rules over you.

  5. I have come to think that this is most Black Gay Men if the truth be told we are all just high functioning depressive beings. I have been trying to bounce back from a family tragedy that happened this summer that shook me to my core. It doesnt really take much to get me in my feelings during this time of the year anyway and trying to deal with work and personal issues has me ready to say “F” it all and shut down as well, I keep trying to push through but some days I can see this everyday rat race is taking its toll on my psyche and well being. I am so ready to give my job the middle finger. I am trying to reach some financial goals so I need to play it Kool on the job but it seems like everyday the management pushes me to a place that I am going to go off and there will be no return. I actually call the counseling line at work only to find out that you have to go through so many hoops just to talk to someone. It is so much craziness that goes on in the world, that many times when I go out now, I am uneasy thinking someone is going to go off and shoot up the place or some other crazy act of terror will pop off. I know that is not the way to live life but it is always in the back of my mind. With the political climate we now live in and the emptiness of most people around us, each year seems to get worse. The world itself has turned into such a dark and uncaring place that some days it is hard to be optimistic and positive no matter how hard you try.

  6. Shit just got real. lol Keep opening up the these types of topics, Jamari people need them, esp now that the holiday season is in full swing. I can fucking believe that Thanksgiving is next week and I dont have any fucking feeling of thanks for any damn thing. I be searching,but I have nothing. I can relate to your brand of crazy Jamari. Damn, I can relate. You need a chat group for shit like this.

  7. I suffered a bout of depression and saw a therapist. It’s a dark place I don’t want to go back to. It’s hard to get out of — all the voices of self-doubt pull you down and keep you from breaking the surface.

    What exacerbated my condition was working under an asshole of a boss in a high pressure work situation. Couple that with family deaths. It can bring you down.

    I urge everyone on this thread to be open about this (it’s wonderful Jamari’s blog has given you a place to do that), talk to others, see a therapist, exercise and MAKE YOURSELF GET OUT AND DO ENJOYABLE THINGS even when you would rather cover your head with your comforter and sleep.

    Go to the movies. Go for a walk. Go to a church service. Volunteer.

    If your therapist recommends medication take it. It can help you get back.

    That’s my small bit of advice. Hope it helps. I wish everyone who posted here peace and recovery!

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