*the following is gonna be tmi for some,
but it’s honest for others and myself
i’m worn the fuck out this morning.
i didn’t go to bed until 4 something this morning.
i’m not complaining because i was up for a good reason…
so i was looking for something to curb my depression.
i’ve been feeling pretty good,
but i was starting to slip.
i was hearing about vitamin d pills,
but something else in walgreens caught my eye about two weeks ago:
the sales person said it was really popular.
it cost me 30 bills,
but i was ready to try anything to help me pull it together.
it took a day for me to i feel like i was on a natural high.
whenever my mind took a left,
i noticed i would quickly feel optimistic.
the “night” pills made me feel too tired,
but that “day” was lit.
as i’m going about my days,
i notice that i’m not using the bathroom as i usually do.
i starting to get too happy to notice.
i had no urge to use the bathroom or anything.
i found that weird.
so one day,
i ate something that made me want to go.
i was constipated like a muthafucka.
my poop was hard as rocks.
i had to brace myself to take a shit.
i’m on the toilet like:
that one mega dump literally ripped my inside.
i made the mistake and strained to get it out.
i regret it now,
but i was in “get the shit the fuck outta me” mode.
i figured it was those pills that was backing me up.
after i stopped taking them last week,
from that day on,
it was like i was shittin’ glass.
the poop was still hard and i bled every time i wiped.
it was legit scary and had me in a panic.
i thought i had anal cancer or something.
i was feeling sad due to seeing the blood,
how bad it hurt to use the bathroom,
and how gassy i was becoming.
my whole bathroom situation was off and i was scared to use it.
i made up my mind this week that i was gonna do a detox.
i copped a magnesium citrate (citroma) and “detox tea” from yogi.
it would help make my poop softer,
but it would also get everything out of me so i can “start over”.
well it sure did.
i took it when i came home yesterday at 7 and…
i feel super empty.
i didn’t see any bleeding so that’s good.
i think the hard poop was rubbing against the rip.
i’m gonna do a couple epsom salts baths and allow this to heal.
i want to feel normal again.
lowkey: ironically enough,
all this has me feeling depressed again.