you know what i hate?
the “not knowing”.
i have never been one to appreciate that.
i always want to know what the fuck is going on.
that’s completely natural,
its normal to want to be in the loop.
or maybe i just some kind need patience?
i don’t know…
we went out tonight.
work wolf and i.
special guest also included.
a vixen from our job.
she cool people.
platonic with both of us.
we went to a happy hour and then the movies after.
“straight outta compton”.
“what kind of slushie you want?”
he asked me in a low voice.
he even bought a popcorn for us to share.
as we dipped our hands in the bucket,
we touched a few times.
i loved it.
i loved how it made me feel.
at the same time,
i hated it.
i hate that after the movie,
we couldn’t say “bye” to her and head back to my crib.
that is where i would suck the soul out his dick.
you know what else bothers me?
how horny i was as i sat next to him.
first of all,
he is so muscular now.
second of all,
his muscular arm felt so good next to me.
how i know?
i mean he was literally leaned up on me.
he would adjust himself and be all on me.
when he was trying to talk to me,
he would be all in my ear.
its like we were in our own world.
it felt so good.
…and then he would lean over on her.
then back on me.
do this a few more times until he stopped completely.
like our back and forth in this “ship”,
it was very confusing.
he is confusing.
i almost hate him.
i had to ask myself if we were on a unofficial date?
or were we just out as platonic friends?
we don’t do normal shit “friends” do.
he doesn’t talk to me like a normal friend would.
he admitted something to me before we parted ways:
“i haven’t been myself these last two weeks.
i got a lot going on.
ima treat you good next week.
i promise jamari…”
…and then he went on his train.
he was very vague about what he was doing tonight.
i can only imagine.
“i was just looking…”
i didn‘t even ask that question or care too.
he answered like a cub with his hands in the cookie jar.
i don’t know what to do about this one anymore.
i am scared.
scared of my emotions.
scared that many people have said to me:
“you are falling in love with him.”
that sentence makes me sick to my stomach.
it might just be true.
that scares me.
the “not knowing” if he also feels the same way.
the “not knowing” if he even thinks about my dumb ass like i do him.
the “not knowing” when this will come to an end.
i hate that i’m addicted to this.
addicted to him.
going to bed.