foxmail: my “straight” crush turned out to be gay, but he has a boyfriend other than me! help!

FOXMAIL

Hey Jamari,

Long time fan and reader here. This past weekend I’ve ran into an issue and I wanted to get your advice on it. So for pretty much my whole high school career I’ve had the BIGGEST crush on one of my friends. Just hanging out with him after school would make my day ten times better but I was always hurt because I knew I was wasting my time because he wasn’t gay so I just took it on the chin and tried to move on. This past weekend, some odd years after high school, this nigga decides to come out to me and introduce me to his boyfriend. To see I was flabbergasted would be an understatement. Now, all the emotions I had suppressed for years came back and I’ve been in my feelings these past couple days. I’m genuinely happy that he’s happy now but ain’t the same time, I’m sad that it’s not with me (I know this sounds selfish but that’s honestly how I feel). I need your advice as to how to move on with the friendship.

Should I just play everything off and deal with it?

Should i tell him and let that play out?

Or should I just stop talking to him?

You’re the only one I feel like I can talk to about this.Thank you for your time and I’d appreciate any feedback!

MY ANSWER…

*before i start,
i want to thank you for being a foxholer,
as well as coming to me about this issue.
i know what it’s like to have no one to talk to about things like this.
star fox use to be my “go-to”,
but since he passed,
the foxhole has become my safe haven to font freely to others like me.

nothing is worst than falling in love with someone,
but they don’t want you.
that can start many of our stories within the gay life.
i know i have a few books in my mental library that start with…

“Dear diary,
he looked at me today…”

…but alas,
many of these males may have been straight and not interested.

What if the “straight male crush” actually turns out to be gay?

YES!
The Universe has thrown a bone-r.
we’re all set for that “happily ever after” story line…

…until he shows up with a boyfriend,
or a whole fiance,
and we’re left even more devastated than we were

reader…
your situation sounds like the plot for “my best friend’s wedding“.
it’s that julia roberts flick were she was in love with her best friend,
but he was getting married to another woman.
for your story line,
you can have different endings.

a) You get him and be the exception to the rule
b) Flattered but only sees you as a friend
c) Not interested and it becomes awkward

i’m all for the happy ending,
but i’d say if this is a friend,
i wouldn’t stop speaking to him.
you don’t give up on someone because you can’t be with them.
thats being selfish.
if you feel very strongly about him,
i’d say confess once their relationship comes to an end.
nothing worst than being “the julia roberts” and causing drama:

if you were the boyfriend,
how would you feel if your man’s friend suddenly admitted their feelings to him?

i bet you’d cancel that little friendship in a heartbeat.
 i surely tf would.


there is also the question of:

Was he attracted to you in the first place?

i’d imagine he had many occasions to admit he was feeling you.
if the boyfriend is just a place holder,
you’ll know soon enough.
if not,
i’d still continue to be in his life,
but start the process of moving on from “romantic” feelings.
if you need distance from him,
please take it.
you never know what can happen in the future,
but you don’t want to be waiting for someone to finally “see” you.

you’re better than to be living in that kind of hell.

i hope that was able to help you betterfoxholer!
please keep me updated on how it goes.

love,
jf

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Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

7 thoughts on “foxmail: my “straight” crush turned out to be gay, but he has a boyfriend other than me! help!

  1. Sometime it’s just not your turn.

    The worst thing someone can do is believe they have some date with destiny because they are feeling someone heavy.

    The best thing you can do is to try to keep contact in case it doesn’t work out but avoid emotional dependence on him and understand there can be other people for you.

  2. reason, season, lifetime
    He felt comfortable with your friendship enough to come out to you. That took energy, strength and trust. The friendship sounds important. Love is not something you can predict. Maybe if you both are single at some point things would be different. Does he know you are also gay? That’s a start but to place pressure on his relationship by disclosing your long harbored love I don’t think would be a good thing. Be his friend. Let the past remain in the past. He never came on to you before. Some people value friendship more than messing it up if a relationship doesn’t work. You want to place distance…why? The only thing he did was tell you his truth and you want to punish him bc he’s with someone else and not you. You don’t know what place he’s in mentally. Sounds like he values you as a friend. Value him too. In this life, most gay men have very few true friends who don’t try to get in their clothes. Focus on growth between the two of you on a friend basis, not potential lover who got away. Don’t feel short changed bc if were meant to be it would have happened. Life holds many opportunities for you. Open up your eyes and see through the eyes of a man growing not regretting what did or did not happen in the past. Your situation actually happened to me when I was young. I was the friend. The guy told me about his feelings but it didn’t make me breakup with who I was with. I didn’t come out to him to only hear how much he wanted me when we were in college. I told him bc I valued his friendship. He went away for a while and I didn’t know what I’d done. I took the route of just being his friend nothing more and to this day he’s one of my close friends. He finally came around and realized friendship was more important.

  3. I’m sure many of us had crushes that we didn’t know was ok or at the time wasn’t convenient. If we only had some sort of gaydar of who was in the life.

  4. No, you should not cut him off and you should not tell him about your feelings either. Even though you have crushed on him for years, he is now in a relationship, and you have to respect that. Regarding remaining friends with him, you should be his friend, but I am questioning whether you can remove your feelings out of the equation and be a genuine friend to him.

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