f0xmail: Skip The Sex, But More Fallin’ In Love? Weird?

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FOXMAIL

Hey Jamari,

Recently I’ve been a bit exploration with my personal life. Throughout my life ive only been with two guys. With pressure of being a virgin i ended up payed someone to do the job but we didnt get that far. Recently I’ve met this guy that’s really nice with tons of ambitions in life. A handsome college grad thats a few years older than me. He’s a bit feminine but it doesn’t show in his appearance which is okay to me… but I get absolutely nothing sexual from him. I’ve even told him about my past but he has hard time believing he’s the first guy I’ve been with. He’s made me realize I’m not sexually attracted to sex but I’m attracted to the fantasy of being with someone beyond physically. When i see someone, i think about what it would be like to be THEIRS or for them to be MINE. This not only applies to men for me, but for women as well. I feel because of things being so sexual nowadays it seems like people skip over falling in love with someone. They go more towards lust now. instead It’s more so just a hookup or fwb sex that most people are after. I though the increasing want to have sex with someone came from being so deeply connected to someone that there’s no other way to show how much you love them? Maybe it has something to do with being abused as a child… These thoughts have had me down for a few months now and i dont know what to think of them. Being bisexual is already a bad enough label. People immediately assume im hoe-ish. Ive been through so much now im about ready to give up on something that seems so hopeless.

Am I wrong for feeling this way?

MY ANSWER…

 oh foxholer.
let me tell you a little secret about me…

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come closer…

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okay wait!
that is too close

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…so when i meet a wolf,
or anyone for that matter,

i try to get to know them on a deeper level.
i know!
scandal!
giphyi don’t think i fit in with the “gay dating world” today.
we don’t even “date” anymore.
we fuck.
we all seem to be very disposable to each other.
it is interesting to me.
i like to take it slow.
sometimes i get lost in the fantasy as you do.
yeah i’m fresh as hell on the foxhole,
but i still believe in the art of “talking”.
remember that word?
you were “talking” to someone.
that meant you were opening up the possibility to cuff.

i’m not beyond a fwb situation.
for jamari fox,
i like to understand you before we fuck.

lebron-james-asks-for-girls-phone-number-at-white-housethat’s just me.
i have better sex when i know someone.
i know what pleases them and they know what pleases me.
i’m sorry that makes me fuckin’ weird,
but that is just how it is.

here is another secret.
you know why animals never forget about me?
i “talked” to them.
i made them open up and drop the walls down.
i like to make animals laugh.
i treat you like someone i’ve known for years.
i am interested in you.
i’ve had wolves i haven’t seen in years tell me:

you cared about me when no one else did.”

they ghosted me for hoes and realize those hoes don’t love them.
i could have.
too bad; so sad.

image-17my advice:

keep believing in love.
there is love out there.
keep giving animals love.
animals today need a lot of love.
you train others how you want them to treat you.
if you come off like a sex toy,
don’t get mad when you are treated like one.
this reminds me of the episode of “satc” when samantha was sick.
she had no wolf to call to rescue her.
she done pulled her curtain rod down and all kinds of shit.
since she was a “hop on a pipe quick” kind of vixen,
all the wolves were busy or didn’t answer her call.
here is my favorite scene:

i never forget this.
it’s the entire gay life in close to two minutes.
it will get you down foxholer,
but there is someone out there for you.
i hope he shows face soon.

best,
jf

lowkey: does this not describe us...

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Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

16 thoughts on “f0xmail: Skip The Sex, But More Fallin’ In Love? Weird?

  1. Great advice J especially that sex and the city clip. ( love that series)

    To the sender of the letter I don’t think you should give up on your dreams finding love and finding someone who will be in love with you, because I’m the same exact way I’m a hopeless romantic and every time I get a new crush or start something new with someone I am imagining all the good times we can have or how would be to be in a relationship with them.

    I also think we hopeless romantic’s need to also start thinking we may not find “The One ” . We need to start appreciating other aspects of our life and not so much focusing on trying to find love because when you start looking for loving barely comes to you, a lot of time It pops up to you when you least expect it.

    1. ^once i stopped putting the pressure of “needing to be with someone”,
      and that last situation did help,
      i started to see the beauty in other areas of my life.
      i had a lot of work on within myself.
      how can i give myself to someone if i don’t even love me?
      i will always be searching for something.
      so like “no more mr. nice guy”,
      i’ll go about life without expecting a perfect outcome.
      it leaves no more pressure.

  2. Wow this entry was everything!!! Your advice was point. We all have to believe we are worthy of receiving and giving love. This is truly a Hookup culture we live in….but I have faith.

  3. I’m similar, this is why I don’t believe in hookups, for me as a person. I can admit to myself that it would do more harm to me than good because of what I’m looking for, and it’s not sex. Anyone can create a jack’d account and get sex, that’s not hard, but investing your time into someone, being there for them, building trust and loyalty IS, all the while trying to navigate whether your actions and feelings are being reciprocated is a very difficult process in this day and age. I need that familiarity or it will just be too foreign to me. I need at least SOME modicum of trust or I just won’t do it. I don’t care if I’m a cornball, but I just need to know the person I’m getting down with or it’s just not happening. The mailer realizes that sex really isn’t everything, there are more important things about people that are worth way more than sex. I like to know that a person cares whether or not I had a bad day and will listen to me rant about the little things the same way I would them, I like getting to know what kind of food they like, their music, their culture, their philosophy, ambitions, who they are as a person, all that good stuff. If the other person isn’t willing to reciprocate that, well, what’s so sexy about that? Couldn’t tell you. We as a “microwave generation” have lost sight of the important things. It’s not a bad thing in and of itself to have the intention of having sex, it’s when it becomes such a priority that people are willing to trick others to play their game is when it becomes a problem, hence why my intention will never be sex. I start with “are we compatible?” and go from there.

  4. This entry made me resurrect and comment again. I love the process of getting to know someone during the early stages of a potential relationship. I like the courtship aspect; getting to know someone, getting to know their likes, dislikes, what kind of person he may be etc. If I invite him for dinner or to the movies, I’m picking up the tab. I also daydream about how much satisfying it would be to love and be loved in return.

    The hook-up culture is one of the main reasons why I’ve abstained and continue to abstain from sex for the past couple years. They way I am, I don’t want to just share my body just for fleeting desire. I’ll have enough of that when my man steps into my live; even better I’ll be doing with someone I actually love and care about as opposed to a random from an app or social media. Our generation is so caught up on instant gratification that the idea of dating is foreign lexicon to them.

  5. It is great that you are aware of what you are looking for in life with many people still searching or don’t know what they really want. My advice is if you are out to go to some of the gay organization events in your community or at your college because that is a great way to meet intelligent and like minded individuals like yourself. Also, it is harder for a person to show their bad side when you are meeting a person at those type of venues and you are already learning some of their interests at those events. Plus the people their are likely to be more mature and not involved with playing games like people you would meet on apps or the internet. Continue to be patient and mindful of the places that you are seeking for love and get involved with some extracurricular activities if you are not already to occupy your time. I hope everything works out for you and that love comes your way.

  6. I agree. Love still exists. Many of the guys out there want to date and get to know someone, but they’ve been hurt so many times that many rather not get their feelings involved. I’m a firm believer that you will find what you’re looking for if you don’t settle for just sex. You’ll radiate an energy that will dispell guys that are on that bullshit, and attract good dudes. Not only good dudes, but good people. A friend told me recently that most of his friends (male and female) frequently inquire about me and develop a crush on me. This happens everywhere I go. It’s Not only because I’m attractive; there are plenty of good looking people. But when you carry yourself with respect, confidence, and dignity, people take notice and it sets you apart from others. It will draw whatever you’re looking for. Stay positive and keep smiling and focus on you. Don’t give up!

  7. I love that there is still gay men out there like this lol. For me “hooking up” is just a mere fantasy. I always say what type of man I’m attracted to (physically) and every time when I get the chance to hook up with them I always chicken out. Because I know how this game works. These guys don’t want you like that, they just want to be able to let off their thirst by finally having the satisfaction of doing you. Once they’ve had you, you’d be disposed like used period pads. They’ll get bored of you & move on to the next target.

    And I can’t just meet guy after guy and let them HAVE ME like that with no type of emotional & timely connection whatsoever. You will not enter this zone and think you can just skeet up in it for 2 seconds & up and leave. Uh uh I don’t operate that way. Save that for the dudes with the anus pics spread all over their profiles. Team relationship all the way. Call me what you want but I know my worth. That’s all. I refuse to be one of those who everybody claims they’ve “had”. This gem here is exclusive.

  8. Reader, I can totally relate to you. I like sex as the next person, but I have some restrictions. You’re going to open my cheeks without getting to know me first and go on dates to see we are compatible or not. Let me tell you I fell into the pressure of losing my virginity as well which I really regret. But I don’t regret having sex with this one particular guy who showed me that’s having a deep connection o spiritual connection can make sex so amazing and I’m not even a sexual person. I like the fantasy of it and watching it, but to actually do it is kinda different.

    But yeah, we live in a day and age where everything is about sex, sex, sex and I’m sick of it. Sex ruin the dating game. Majority of the guys that I know of are boyfriends because they hooked up at some restroom and guess what? They don’t even last, no surprised, but it pissed me because when I want to go on a date o go to the movies, that asking too much from them. They just want to fuck and leave. Sex really ruined the dating game. Like so many gay guys that I talk to who are in relationship when I ask them why they are with their boyfriends, it’s always a sexual respond “He got a big dick o he got a phat ass o he’s good with his mouth o he makes me cum without touching myself.” Then when I ask how is he personality-wise, they don’t know because when they see each other it’s usually a hook-up. It blows my mind. Sex really ruined the dating game.

  9. No, you are not wrong for wanting to sleep with a person you are connected with. In my mind, that is the way it should be. When you meet these people you are intrested in, take the time to get to know them. Your life will have less drama.

    S/N: There is nothing wrong with being bisexual. I hate it when people judge us. The verses better not have an issue. 😑

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