f0xmail: i am homophobic towards myself and others. help!

FOXHOLE

Good day Jamari, I’m an avid reader of your blog and I have always viewed everyday after the day’s activities, well done. 

I’m a 21-year-old university student in West Central Africa and I had discovered my sexuality few years ago, I know full well that I’m homosexual, not heterosexual, nor bisexual. (albeit I have a smokescreen girlfriend, but she doesn’t even know she is hoax). Don’t blame me, I’m trying to not draw attention to my sexuality, because I could get close to 20 years jail term for it.
Consequently, I struggle with self-hate and hate related issues, probably due to the extremely homophobic environment I grew up in or perhaps, the fact that literally and metaphorically everyone around here is homophobic – I don’t really know which for sure. 

But I’m devastatingly tired of living life this way, I’ve missed lots of opportunities to be involved with men who find me attractive, e.g. In my university, I ignore men who look my way and sometimes I even feel disgust and throw homophobic slurs at them like “stop looking at me, faggot” and stuff like that – I don’t know if you understand me?

 

Other times, I had been the one to show interest and when they requite, I start to ignore, give them stern looks, and completely change my behaviors towards them. I totally find the idea of two men kissing repulsive and reprehensible, and at the same time fantasize the same.
I don’t plan on coming out to anyone ever, and I know for sure that nothing would induce me to.
My life is simply a paradox right now (in terms of my sexuality) and it also feels as an enigma to even myself.
Thank you.

MY ANSWER…

when i was around 21,
i really hated and homophobic to myself.
i mean i was insecure af.
the thought of liking another male was gross,
yet strangely intriguing to my body parts.
if i saw gay males in movies or tv shows,
i’d turn the channel.
if i saw them in the forests,
i’d go the other way.
the idea of dick grossed me out completely too.
it wasn’t a good time in my life.
around that time,
i was running the forests with straight hood wolves.
they were pretty homophobic.
it was all about getting pussy and being “the wolf”.
i had to pretend i was interested in vixens,
even though,
my soul was pushing me to something else i fought inside.
these days,
through a ton of maturity and learning lessons,
i’m pretty comfortable within my own fur.
i don’t feel uncomfortable,
and as the foxhole knows,
i’ll put my autograph on a mushroom head.

it blows my mind when i hear about other forests in the world.
in america,
you still have the risk of being killed for being gay,
but there is a tremendous amount of freedom too.
it all depends on the area you live.

reader…
when i read your foxmail,
i had to sit and marinate on giving you the right answer.
you’re literally in a battle zone.
i would never tell you to come out because the outcome might be terror.
i’m not one of those pretentious gays who thinks folks should be out for their liking.

I want you to be comfortable with who you are first

internally,
you need to accept “you”.
life isn’t a fun place if you aren’t comfortable with yourself.
being attracted to the same sex is who you are and that’s okay.
for me,
and i can only font for me,
but my first time was when i started getting comfortable.
there was a level of trust and free fall that i had to do beforehand.
i was worried af he would out me,
but i allowed him to take control naturally.
it helped that i was high key attracted to him too.

you should start befriending other males at your school.
you might be throwing daggers at someone trying to find themselves.
the life is already a very lonely one,
but with the right connects around you,
you’re bound to meet someone you can vibe with on that level.
this is after they’ve established they aren’t playing double agent.
before any of this can happen,
you have to face YOU.
take some time to accept you’re attracted to males.
  get comfortable with that idea.
you may not even need the girlfriend once this happens.
once you arrive at that place,
there are still more levels to go,
but that’s been the first step for many of us.
you don’t have to come out entirely,
as i choose to live a discreet life,
but you will break down the walls that are holding you back.

i hope this helped in some way.
you only know the situation you’re in.
i can only give advice from what you’re telling me.
please keep me posted and i’ll send some positive energy your way.
the foxhole will always be here.

love,
jf

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Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

14 thoughts on “f0xmail: i am homophobic towards myself and others. help!

  1. I agree with Jamari, you have to accept yourself first before anything else. Once you accept yourself, the pieces will start to fall in place. You have to become comfortable with yourself before anyone else can. Also, this may sound insensitive, but you need to leave Africa if you are able. I could not imagine wanting to live my life out in the open, and fear not only facing homophobia, but possibly going to prison as well. Nope, that would be too much ducking and dodging.

  2. Suppressing your sexuality is the worst type of deprivation you can experience in life. In your environment you absolutely cannot come out if you don’t want to fear for your life on a daily basis. I have a friend teaching in Uganda right now and he says there’s a massive gay scene and they are pros as hiding their meet ups, the risk of being caught actually turns a lot of them on. It’s just a matter of how you move, it breaks my heart that my brothers and sisters can’t be themselves in our motherland. I hope you find inner peice and a fine brother to get your rocks off with.

  3. This letter makes me sad because I can see myself in it. Having the feeling the reader described in this letter can make you severely depressed. I pray he figures it all out. Sending good vibes!

  4. Baby, as everyone else said..You have to accept yourself. Now it’s easy for us to tell him to leave Africa but it’s easier said than done. Africa, Jamaica, and South America….some of the most homophobic places but have the most gayest folks..🤷‍♂️

    Lord, I don’t know what’s worse, suppression of sexual urges or the fact I put too much Cayenne pepper on my veggies today.

    Ya know..this post should make some of us glad tho. One, the Foxhole has like international visitors.. We love tourist..Hey boo!!! 🙋‍♂️

    And

    Two: Americans kinda lucky af. I almost forgot about how they treat the gays elsewhere. I heard Russia is a damn mess too with damn gay concentration camps and shit for parents who send their gay kids off..smdh.

  5. This post touched me as I am African myself. I have to say that it wasn’t easy growing up back home and having my family basically say “nigga stop your shit or you’ll get your ass beat!” My mom used to always tell me “You’re only born once! And you were born a boy so you do boy things!”

    Fast forward to this day my family is cool but people never get comfortable to it. So they know I’m gay but nobody asks me hey do you have a boyfriend? They always do that oh that’s his business which is another way of saying don’t bring that shit in here! Lol it’s all good though you can’t have it all! Either you have family that’s accepting, family that’s accepting but don’t wanna deal with the visual or no family at all. I’m good though I’m doing me and given love all day.

    Living in African society which has now increasing grown in homophobia even in my country, which is crazy cuz it used to be gay friendly, it’s the worst! White priests have gone from town, cities, villages and pretty much corrupted the minds of people showing them gay porn and preaching hate. That’s the world we live in and you gotta find a way to overcome these things.

    To the African brother David, I would just say take it easy, you don’t have to fight all these demons at once, it’s imposdible because they are basically the angels of your souls, you just can’t appreciate them right now but the time will come. Also give yourself a chance to love who you are and focus on the great things about you. As gay men we really are the light of the world; like mutants almost. The sky isn’t just blue to us, it’s yellow, it’s red, pink, green, it’s a billion colors to our visuals. Realize that this part of you that you are so afraid of actually comes with gifts and you’ll be surprised at how amazing they are. Realize that we are the artists of the world and they visionaries of the universe. You’re not just gay, YOU’RE FUCKING DAVID!

  6. Leave Africa if possible, if not make plans to get away!!! You need to be free to express yourself!! Don’t risk your life by sneaking around!! Good luck to you!! Be safe!

  7. I really feel for the letter writer. It is hard enough to be a gay, bi, trans or nonbinary person in societies that are more accepting, though as we know, even in “liberal” countries like the US LGBTQ people, especially trans folks, are regular targets of hate, violence and murder, and when you add in intersectional identities like race, gender, class, religion, etc. it can be even more difficult. In the US over 25 states still do not have comprehensive anti-discrimination laws protecting LGBTQ people. So you add all the challenges together, and our lives are a kind of miracle. For people in countries without any legal protections or social, cultural or political support it’s even tougher.

    As others have said, learning to accept and love yourself, hard as it is, is the first step. It won’t be easy without external support or positive reinforcement, but it is not impossible. In many countries in Africa where the laws are harshly anti-gay and Western evangelicals/missionaries continue to spread hate, there are underground groups that offer support but as I need not tell you, you have to be very careful, so if you can, download a free VPN to make it harder to track you via phone and laptop. Sites like this one can be a lifeline to let you know you are not alone.

    Also you can find some info on sites like OutRight Action International, which advocates for LGBTQ people all over the globe, and on sites like Mamba Online, which are dedicated to LGBTQ folks in Africa. There are also gay African writers like Binyavanga Wainana and Chike Frankie Edozien who have written books about the challenges they’ve faced, and gay African musicians like Nakhane who also are affirming. That site shows that while some countries (Cameroon, Uganda, Nigeria) are still very homophobic others, like Angola and Botswana, are moving in the opposite direction. And there are semi-oases like South Africa, at least in terms of sexual orientation protections under the law. Sending you best wishes and strength. It is not easy, but our lives never are. Yet we survive and thrive.

  8. This makes me sad because my parents are African but I was fortunate enough to be born & raised in London. I can only IMAGINE how hard it would be had I been brought up in my country of origin. I am the same age bracket as you, I just turned 22.

    I don’t even know what to say to you that hasn’t already been said because leaving a country at 21 isn’t easy. Especially when you’re still studying. But I honestly think you should at least start making plans about it now. Because as much as I hate to break it to you, I doubt Africa in general will be as tolerant as the west (and I say that loosely because Westerners aren’t perfect) when it comes to homosexuality in our lifetime. Get your studies in first of course.

    I know how extremely religious and homophobic African societies are where homosexuality is like the worst thing a parent could ever want for their child there. So I can empathise. Please take care of yourself in the time being man. You are NOT alone and there are Africans and people WORLDWIDE who are in your position. The world can be so fucked up smh.

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