Thoughts In Front of The Fire

Fox-Tumblr-550x425sometimes i would sit and wonder,
what would i do if my parents showed up at my door?
if in some twist of fate,
a joke from above,
that they didn’t pass away.
they were actually russian spies who had to fake their deaths.
and what about star fox?
what if he turned out to had faked his death because he witnessed a crime.
how would i react if they al showed up on some ol:

“we’re back!
you gonna let us in?
we hungry!”

would we hug?
would i slap them?
curse them out where they stood?
even though those are complete fantasies,
i often think about it when i start to miss them.
when i have no one to talk to or i’m dealing with an issue.
the holidays are coming up so they cross my mind a lot during this time.
sure i have the foxhole,
but i don’t really have a support system out here.
i don’t have a family i can go to if something goes wrong.
that is scary.
that scares me.
i often wonder would things go back to normal if they magically came back?
would i feel better if i had my safety nets again…

to be honest,
in a way,
i’m glad they left when they did.
it took a long time to be able to say that out loud.
with them being here,
i couldn’t experience life the way i needed too.
i was comfortable living with my parents.
they provided me with everything.
i was lazy.
stagnant.
if you told me id have this website back then,
i’d probably laugh in your face.
star fox came into the picture shortly after.
any issue i had,
i would run to him.
he would be my protector.
the person who had to build up my self esteem.
it got to the point that i needed to hear what he had to say first.
i couldn’t even make simple decisions on my own.

even though i miss them tremendously,
know that i didn’t get here without myself.
i had to learn to rescue myself real quick.
maybe that is the blessing in disguise in all of this?
i had to take me,
this complete hot mess,
and learn how to live in a cold forest on my own.
learn how to pay bills on time.
budget,
sacrifice,
and tell myself no when i really want to buy that outfit with the matching shoes.
no drugs.
no drank.
no addictions (well besides a healthy one of shopping).
no idiots.
just me and my heart.
being open to receiving pain so i know what that feels like.
knowing what it’s like to suffer and be hungry.
understanding what i want in life and continuously striving for that goal.
the answer is usually through god (or the foxhole).
i have some good friends in my life,
but i’ve had to get here on my own.
yeah.
i’d like to think i’m a lot stronger than i use to be.

tumblr_n320wgxhI31tvhtb7o1_500fox armor picture credited: albert montoya

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

14 thoughts on “Thoughts In Front of The Fire

    1. I agree. J, everything in life happens for reasons & makes you who you’re supposed to be. (Saying that makes me hear that line from the upcoming Tomb Raider game sequel.)

  1. God shall repay you with a lover so good, he’ll make you wanna drive to Vermont and get married.

    I like to believe I’ve gotten stronger but sometimes, you just want your damn mommy. I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. My mom is 50 something and still wishes she had her mom. Your mom probably felt the same way about hers. I know a man in his early 70’s who started crying out of the blue, because he was thinking about his mom’s passing. We might as well face it, unless you had a mother like DMX’s that beat you with an extension cord for not saying bless you after she sneezed, you’re gonna want your mom.

  2. This is one of your strongest post yet, it takes real guts to open the way you do above. I know I’ve said this before but I feel your something is about to happen to change your life for the better.

  3. Deep and very insightful post J. Missing loved ones, especially a parent(s) is particularly tough. But as they say, time heals all wounds.

  4. I like this quote by Mother Teresa, “I know God won’t give me anything I can’t handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.” Stay strong J.

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