the first step in a prison break is admitting you want to break out of prison

i can come off really guarded in person.
it’s nerves tbh.
it is all nervous energy in how i come off to other people.
when alcohol is in me,
my inhibitions can help me relax but i don’t want to become an alcoholic.
weed has only made me paranoid af.
honestly…

My anxiety has fucked me up in all areas.

today,
i was walking to the barbershop and spotted this fine-ass rican wolf.
he had the bawdy,
some tatts,
his tail was sitting,
and the way he walked made me think the dick was spectacular.

I used to talk to males like that.
I used to get fucked with males that looked like this.

it wasn’t hard for me to achieve them,
but things took a turn for the worst in my self-esteem many years ago.

after my best friend’s murder,
that hiv scare,
anxiety,
self-esteem issues,
the drama that comes with gay apps,
the drama that came with ex-friends,
and attracting curious males who wasted my time,
i feel it has made me retreat into a shell i created out of fear and comfort.

Have you ever seen an image of who you wanted to be in your head?

What do you do when people around you see that image,
but you can’t seem to get it right?

so many people see me as fly and dope,
by how i dress and my energy,
but i don’t feel it.


i don’t want to feel like i’m invisible anymore tho.
i want to feel like i’m a dope character in folk’s storylines.
confident and knows his worth.
there feels like a huge disconnect with my conscious and subconscious.
i see everything wrong with me first when i try to step into my confidence.

I’m holding myself back.

…and i don’t want to waste more time and years doing it.
i deserve to live a great life with things to show for it.
the first step is admitting you have a problem.

 

lowkey: my therapist insists i get really personal on the foxhole.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

9 thoughts on “the first step in a prison break is admitting you want to break out of prison

  1. How old are you again? A lot of this sounds like gay mid-life (30s…smh) crisis. Wanting more. Wanting a sense of normal. Being tired of being in limbo in different ways. Bro, it’s not just you. Keep that therapist man!

    1. ^it helped to release all of that tbh.

      ya know,
      i see why gay males kill themselves when they are in their 30s.
      you start feeling this sense of intense loneliness,
      but deep inside,
      ive always felt this way due to all the shame and trauma i’ve dealt with during my teens and 20s.

      ive had a life where i was just on autopilot,
      especially after the recent shit,
      and i’m seeing how much i wasted time being that way.

      1. I think a big part is the (too often) lack of brotherhood. Often, our close friends are straight ppl (for most, women). We hit the 30s, they start getting married and starting families, and we end up out on a limb because real life happens.

        We normalize trauma because it starts at such an early age for us. We just deal, instead of heal. Gay men often enter rooms more focused on making sure no one can drag them, instead of having a good time and maybe making a friend. It’s a whole unfortunate clusterfuk!

        Gay men HAVE to get into therapy. The best advice my therapist gave me was to forgive myself. When I tell you, that shit hit hard man!!! Still beating myself up internally for bad decisions I made as a dumb 28 yr old in love, at 38, is not it!

        Please keep posting on mental and emotional health man. Gay men are more than just thirsty, straight IG/onlyfans money throwers, even if we don’t believe it at times.

  2. It is par for the course when you are a Cancer. Reading you, Jamari is like reading my own thoughts, my inner mind. Was just telling my Mom that I wanted to skip the champagne for my born day this year and bring it in sober. No smoke either. Inner peace is the goal. Control over those Cancer impulses; phobias, guilt, self recriminations will be total nirvana.

    1. ^seeeeee my cancer babies understand the struggle.

      you get it!
      you get it!!!!

      i really don’t want anything fancy for my born day either.
      i’m glad i’m not the only one.

  3. Cancerians are Ye- Yo like Badu in a male body. We are little Iyanla”s. There is safety in the lair with a Cancer freak.
    Choruses of praise are often directed at us for being so damn creative, loyal and naturally gifted. I think we should believe our own press. It’s not haughty, it’s healthy. It is better than re-visiting space in that village in the dark place- where some of us were called faggified, sissified, girly, punk, etc. By friends and family alike. All who say they 💜us.
    Crabs tend to crawl back into that old shell for protection. Let’s regenerate new shells and exist in new spaces this Cancer season. 🌈 Let’s excise and sever from our spirits this self sabotage button & the bullshit that always lurks and crops up in the background, trying to hinder our progress.💐❤️💋. This is our 🕰️

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